Happiness Exercise Number 13

1. It is so great to be back home, and to spend some time with my sister. Watching Caroline hack her lung while still making beautiful art blows me away. How did I get such a jewel of a sister? Such a beauty, such a fighter? How is it that we are the same--that she is my twin, that I allegedly look like her? She is my ally, my best friend.

2. I am below 150. I am grateful for that.

3. I managed to get through Chapter 2 of that College Essay book. *phew*

4. I am going to be 29 this year. I don't have cancer or am obese, or an eating disorder. I am healthy.

5. Jonathan and Leo. Vanessa. Wivine. Yanira. Didi. Karla. Cheryl. Daniella. Michie. Mira. Naosha. Michelle. Lolo. Manang Fe. Mrs. Delgado. Tita Tess. J.P. Colin. Brian. Chin Shan Sze. TJ. Janny. Queenie. K.C. Sheryl. Nancy. Gita.

6. Charlotte. Carmen. Lola Puring. Tia.

7. I have a cozy apartment that shields me from rain and cold and scary people.

8. I have a Masters degree.

9. All A's in Anatomy, Physiology, and Microbiology.

10. I am a good friend, I have a kind heart, and I am generous.

11. I am doing the best I can.

Don't

I awoke in horror at the thought of Soy contacting me, and this idea that she was doing so because she had been with Alex when Mojo died, and they ended up having grief sex. Her contacting me and adding me on FB...it tells me I am on her mind a bit. Her wanting to meet me. Her need to tell me not to worry. That these two act as if their continued connection should not make their significant others uncomfortable and threatened boggles the mind.

I looked at her profile and read her status again, and feel instantly sick. She has his habits. Granola making. Artistic and magical. I am very humble, low profile, and quiet next to her. I am glad I am going to therapy today, because all I want to do is puke for days.

I knew that Mojo's death would be a test on our relationship. He is now going into grief stage, and I know by now the arbitrary and terrifying nature of men when they go into grief and loss. I was not any good when I encountered this grief in my ex, nor other male friends. You are expected to be strong and silent, to weather their inaccessibility quietly, to love them despite all, to be a saint. I did my best for my ex, for those male friends, but I can't shake the belief that I failed because I lost them all. I must look for evidence of the contrary because it is too horrible. I must remember that "Don't take anything personal" message from the Four Agreements. It will be the most important thing, the most powerful tool I will have against the coming battle. I expect Alex to be inconsolable, a nightmare to be around. I expect to hear nothing, to do nothing, except experience his odd male acting-out of grief.

I wish I had the tools to bear the assault of icy isolation that is the male mystery of masculine unhappiness. I wish I could do for him what he could not for me. It is only fair this way--I realize. Men--well, all but Jonathan and Leo-- have been socialized to react to things in a very protective, tightly wound, and limited manner. And as such it is very hard to understand for me. And women are socialized into the opposite--although still a limited manner, I have to admit. There is that painful, excruciating divide that remains.

I don't know if I have the strength to date A. I don't know if I can do this.

The Origin of Love

I found an interesting article on http://www.synoptique.ca/core/articles/koutras_dino_shortbus/, analyzing Penetration in the film "Shortbus:"

"In reference to the adoration showered on him by his partner, James says: “It stops at my skin. I can’t let it inside me.”

This quote didn't hit me the first time, but it definitely did last Valentine's Day when I got to see John Cameron Mitchell sing some songs from Hedwig before we saw a screening of "Shortbus."

That quote is exactly what depression is about. It is exactly how it feels. I know that Caroline loves me. I know that Jonathan and Leo love me. I know I have mom and dad. I know I have friends who love me. This is all intellectual. This is not an emotional knowledge. It stops at my skin, it doesn't come in. My hunger, my need to be loved is intense. Especially with the intense self-loathing I have intensely fine-tuned over the years. It hasn't hurt as much as it has with Alex. I cannot, for the life of me, accept his words of love. He has tried again and again, and we had our first fight over it. That fight has taught me to keep my mouth shut. I must find a way to seal my traitorous lips closed because there is no evidence that what I say is true. There is enough he has given me, enough my friends have said, enough.....to say that he loves me. And yet I am encased in a tomb of doubt and agonizing insecurity. I think, "He is so wonderful. He is obscenely amazing. How can he love me?" I need to learn to find ways to love myself. It is very hard. I need to be my own friend, my own champion. I need to accept my flaws and rejoice in my abilities. I need to transform and grow and love.

He told me he could tell (the lunch the day after the fight) that I was still freaked out about what happened. He told me he loved me very, very much. He told me he wanted me never to doubt that. He told me he wants me to always be with him, spend every minute with him, he wants me to move in with him. He wants me to keep house for him, cook for him, make his place smell nice. He wants me to bear his baby. He said all of this slowly, surely, and looking me in the eye. And ended it with, "Okay?" And all I could do was nod, and chew my finger. He then asked me if what he said about wanting me to bear his baby freaked me out. It totally did, but I said it didn't. We've been fantasizing about it since our third date. And as he was saying this long speech I was thinking to myself, "He is trying to fix this. To undue the horrific doubts and insecurities from last night. This is that "man thing" men do. He viewed the things I said as a problem, and he is giving a solution....." But I was moved anyway. They are crazy things for a man to say.

Anyway. Caroline set me straight. I got back on Zoloft today. I need to. This madness has gone on long enough.

Happiness Exercise Number 12

1. After bearing my heart to him he is still here
2. He told me he loves me "the way I am"
3. We were very much in sync all day today
4. He met my J & L!
5. He has a toothbrush in his place for me, and he wants me to leave jeans at his place
6. He told me he loved me very much
7. He said he enjoys "our languid days together"
8. He was very loving even though I looked like crap today
9. We bonded after his comments about death. And my bawling my eyes out.
10. He asked if I would go with him to Morocco.

HALP

Jesus Christ help me.

I am sleepy and I have fucked myself over.

I am seeing Julie tomorrow at 2pm. I need my application crap ready. I need some sort of draft ready. I have Anthropology at 6:30 pm, a test, and a presentation due as well.

Neither of these things I am ready for.

Instead I have spent all weekend with my mind and heart and soul focused on one obnoxiously self-assured and addictive man.

Princess of Disks / Me!

He told me (in the middle of that agonizing talk) that I was the Princess of Disks on the tarot cards.

The Princess of Disks

A young woman indicated by the Princess of Disks would be a quiet, reserved person - sometimes shy. She will be practical and capable, though rarely seeking the limelight. I used to know a stage manager who always came up as a Princess of Disks - she loved the glitz of the theatre as long as she could stay behind the scenes - having, of course, created them first!

She's a gentle person who, like the Queen of Disks, is much concerned with domestic matters, and with Nature and growth. As a result, sometimes when this card comes up we may be looking at somebody who is expecting a child. The Princess of Cups often represents conception, the Princess of Disks shows the pregnancy and the Ace of Wands will then indicate the birth.

The Princess of Disks woman is a reliable and diligent person, trustworthy and hard-working. She is faithful by nature, and deals badly with conflict. She likes life to unfolds in an ordered fashion. In fact, she contemplates life very thoroughly, being sensitive to the needs of others, and sympathetic to their feelings.

Despite her quiet exterior, she has a huge resource of strength and support to offer to those who need it. She is also an excellent practical manager with marked proficiency in dealing with money and accounting. This will, however, generally be expressed in the home environment where she is at her most content.

When the card comes up to indicate a period in somebody's life, rather than the person herself, we will be looking at a young woman on the threshold - of life, marriage, motherhood, though rarely on the threshold of some major career ambition. That step would be more readily indicated by the Princess of Wands.

Alex's Tarot Reading

I've bolded in black the characteristics that make me think of Alex. I've bolded in red the negative qualities/possibilities.

The Knight of Swords

When the Knight of Swords comes up to indicate a man, he will be intelligent, subtle and clever. His capacity for abstract thought will be well developed. He is also highly intuitive and perceptive.

His nature will be elusive and ethereal, yet he has a strength and fascination that is hard to deny. He compels attention, except when he doesn't want it, and at those times you will not even notice him pass by.

Because of the enquiring and analytic nature of his mind, you will often find him involved in occult study, and following spiritual pursuits. Whilst tolerant of those who know less than him, he will not divulge his knowledge easily. Rather those who wish to learn from him must fight to see him clearly, rather than falling for the projections he readily casts around him.

If this man is badly dignified his subtlety turns to manipulation, and his fascination to glamour. In this way, he becomes unprincipled and self-seeking. There is a certain ruthlessness present in the Knight of Swords at all times.

Even when we meet him at his best, he makes a hard task master, and an acutely keen observer.The sword in his hand will quite often be used to cut to the heart of things - and sometimes we will not be comfortable with what is revealed.

When this card comes up to indicate a state of mind in a man not normally seen as a Knight of Swords, we are then dealing with quite another issue. Now we must address the darkest qualities of the card. This is an angry man, who has quite possibly been emotionally hurt, and may well be looking for revenge.

He has the potential to be physically violent and mentally cruel. He is a nasty enemy and somebody who needs to be treated with the utmost caution.

Surrender

What a traumatic experience today has been. I was honest with A. I told him how powerless I feel, how afraid I am. How I can't read him, how I am unable to tell that he loves me. It was a bloodbath. I cried. I was a wreck. It was horrible. He was sorta cold, kinda mad, it was a weird experience. He tried to comfort me. Just not in the way that was ideal to myself.

Facts:
1. He told me I was the most interesting woman he has met since his exwife
2. He told me he hasn't felt this strongly for a woman (as he does for me) since his exwife
3. I'm the first woman his family has met since his exwife
4. He told me he's never spent as much consecutive time with a woman/had a woman stay at his place as long as I have (I was with him for three days)
5. He told me he loves me very much.
6. He seems to equate the sex thing with love. When I told him sex is just sex for guys he said "I'm an old guy. I'm not as ruled with my hormones as when I was younger."

Things to Consider:
1. He told me he doesn't say "I love you" a whole bunch because he doesn't say those words casually
2. He told me the longest he's dated a woman was three months. And we're around...two months. He said let's see how I'll feel about him in a month.

Jonathan said it sounds like he's scared. And that anyone who has dated as much as he has means he's been hurt a lot.

Emotionally I can't imagine hurting him at all. If I was to end things with him, I imagine he would shrug it off.

Intellectually I have to put the pieces together and realize he's human too. He bleeds too. He is afraid too. In fact, it seems his walls have been high for a while. Everything with me is pretty intense.

I asked him to call me after he dropped me off. I didn't expect him to...I thought he would have forgotten since his memory has been shit. But he called me. He had gotten home an hour ago and had forgotten, but remembered, and wanted to call me before heading to bed.

So. That's effort. I asked him if all my comments scared him, and he told me he likes how honest I am with him.

I have never been good at this sort of thing.

I hate my gut feelings. My gut says I am being screwed over. My gut says he doesn't love me the way I deserve. My gut also says I am unloveable, and inherently repulsive to men if they got to know me. My gut tells me I can't do anything because I'm a big fucking failure. So. Yup. Either way God. Please throw me a lifeline here. Please help me. God, can you get me out of this with as little humiliation as possible, please? God, can you please help me take back my dignity in a big way? God, please help me.

And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong

A has asked me to be a dirty school girl for Halloween. I agreed to it with all my fingers and toes crossed as if I could somehow undo his request, as if I wasn't really agreeing to it. Trying to make myself sexy....in such a brazen and obvious manner is the weirdest thing. I have done the sexy in other forms, but not in that tacky Halloween way. And when I say tacky, I am including all my sour grapes-ness in the fact that I look at those girls with admiration and jealousy. I never see myself like them. I never think I could be sexy like that without that horrible dash of desperation, those extra cups of insecurity peppered all over my outfit. I fear of exposing my vulva. It's just one extreme to another for me. I have been trying to do sexy in that safe, covered up, "classy" way while still wanting to be sexy, still wanting to inspire attraction and desire. So doing the tacky Halloween dirty school girl thing is just so refreshing and terrifying for me. Why the fuck not? I am 28, and I would never have dared do this at 18. If not now, when? My body is my friend right now. In fact, I think I look really hot, considering I haven't been dieting or exercising at all. As a woman, being brazenly sexual is such a conscious choice for me. An out of body experience. I hope I pull it off without exposing my vulva (I have such a Britney Spears nightmare) and embarrassing myself. I want to pull of the dirty school girl look and retain my dignity as well. Hah. Hilarious. It's gonna take some guts, attitude, and planning. Sis said she would help me. I am so grateful for her.

Kanye West - Runaway "LIVE" on Saturday Night Live / SNL Feat Pusha T

Happiness Exercise Number 11

1. I had a very unhealthy breakfast (lechon and adobo rice) but I made up for it by having broccoli and slimfast for dunch. I'm quite proud of myself for that. My appetite is practically non-existent because I feel ill. But still. I feel a relief when I can manage to make myself eat some broccoli. Large amounts of broccoli.

2. I saw Janny and Queenie last night. We have managed to stay in touch over the years. Seeing them is like having a bit of my heart replaced. We're not super besties, but I care about them a lot, and I want them to be okay. I want them to be happy. I love them. Janny stayed over for a little bit, and shared a bit of her heart with me. I love her and want her to be okay. Too much suffering in this world.

3. The meeting for anthro was relatively painless

4. Feeling ill, so I napped earlier today. Being gentle with myself

5. Keep reminding myself how uninvested I am with this particular round of applications. That helps a lot.

6. Caroline loves me. She still tries even though I am hyper sensitive and super self-centered

7. Mom loves me still.

8. Seeing Roxanne, Daniel, J.P., and Soiyon, Olivia, and Daniel II, and Tita Tess was therapeutic for me. It did me good to be away.

9. I survived my time with A. He introduced me as his girlfriend. His best friend Bobby said I was a keeper. His gal/best friend Gloria seemed to like me. Her boyfriend flirted with me (ugh). The boyf liked me too much. The last night I was over A was impatient to have me join him in bed so he could wrap himself around me. He said he loved me very much.

10. He called me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We spoke for a decent length of time on the phone. The longest conversation ever! At one point I told him how weird it was to see him at swing, and he was like, "Why? Does it weird you out that I'm there?" And I was like, "Yeah, because swing's sort of been my world..." and he said, "Well, knowing how much that matters to you, baby, I want to be a part of it..." SIGH. He asked when he can see me again, and said we should do something fun. I am too ridiculously high

11. I'm someone's girlfriend!! I'm someone's girlfriend? This is soooooo weird/absurd! He's my boyfriend! AIFHP:ADFHAIFB:ASnvclKSvnlkvb;sihgso That's what he is, allegedly! I can barely make sense of it. I find the entire thing too absurd. Too strange. Too weird. I am happy, but happy the way you would be at the theory of Santa Claus being real. It's unreal. Every time things are good with him, things are unreal. When things suck, it hurts beyond anything. Hmm. He did tell me he was falling in love with me on the third date. *sigh* I think I am only now starting to allow myself to enjoy that.

Runaway fast as you can

Today is such an incredibly hard day. I am feeling not so good, and emotionally I just feel horrible. This always happens after I see him. I don't understand why I can't get my shit together. I am just filled with so much horror. I feel as if all I do is wait to get dumped. All I do is live with horror about a future dumping. I am so very traumatized by the past. I have a very hard time feeling peace with myself, and getting past my shit. I am filled with horror.

Happiness Exercise Number 10

1. I must take solace in the fact that I am PMSing...that I should be getting my period soon. So that could be the sole cause of my intense loneliness for the past couple of days. I am not a horrid person who has irrational feelings. My feelings are directly connected to a surge in hormonal changes that reflect that I am female. And being female is a great thing.

2. I went to court and got the whole thing over with. It's over, and I can now move on.

3. I am not talking to a certain person, despite his two phone calls today. I feel it's a step in the right direction. I deserve better from a friend. I am treating myself with respect by putting my foot down. It is really hard for me to do that. Far easier to be a rug. I am giving myself respect.

4. I finally managed to get comfortable w/Coffee Break French's second episode.

5. I drank a lot of water today. A lot. That's good, I think.

6. A highway patrol officer dude was actually a bit kind to me as I was crying miserably at the courthouse today. He said words of sympathy, and they touched me. Not all men in such positions are evil. He was sweet.

7. Had a long conversation w/a friend I rather take for granted, but it was actually a bit of a comfort in the end. I never give her credit, but it was actually a relief.

8. I was going to say there are absolutely no films I am looking forward to, but there's a film w/Sendhil Ramamurthy coming out in a bit. YUM

9. No matter what happens to me with A, I have my Caroline, some friends who love me and think I'm better than he is, and a heart that is stronger than it seems. I will survive him no matter what.

10. A is arriving tonight, and he wants to see me tomorrow! I am not sure if my body is strong enough to see him. I have been trying to recuperate as fast as possible, but I still get chills and exhaustion at random times. Maybe he will be forced to wait until Thursday, when my period is full blown. lol.

It will be alright. I will be alright. No need to despair. I will be okay.

Happiness Exercise Number 9

1. The Filipino American History Month Celebrations at the Asian Art Museum was such a wonderful break from my ordinary routine. It was just a wonderful, wonderful escape. I got to go back into a world I never think about (well...as much as I used to when I was at SFSU)....identity, being an immigrant, my ancestors, the legacy of Filipinos, Pinays, all that beautiful, wonderful, wonderful stuff. Seeing Dr. Gonzales again almost made me cry (okay. inside at least). He was my champion when I had no one else. He always treated me like I was a serious smartypants. He treated me with respect. I loved his class. I loved the way I found myself swelling with pride as he spoke about the legacy of the Filipinos in our Pilipinos in America class. I remember how much I learned and how much it affected me. I felt my cells trembling with awe and fury and joy. Seeing Jaena after such a long time was a treat. Eating sisig nachos was yummy and fun. That "Lalawigan - A Contemporary Tagalog Song Cycle" was the perfect end to the entire experience. Beautiful, touching, memorable. Those performers shook me to the core. Unforgettable.

2. I feel that spending time with Jonathan and Leo after was better than any medication. I just feel so much better than the past couple days. Their presence is such a comfort to me.

3. A text me this morning! He is coming back sooner! And he wants to see me on Tuesday! I hope it's not wrong how happy this makes me. I text him a picture of my sisig nachos, and he text me back later: "Damn--that looks good" Just reading his texts fills me with an absurd illogical joy.

4. A said he was registering for swing dance classes tonight! Which means....he's going to take Lindy lessons with me for a month! I am so excited! I can't believe he's doing this! I couldn't get my ex to do this! I can't believe it! AMAZING

5. There is something so comforting for me to hear about my culture, to see my face reflected in others, to hear tagalog, to laugh at Filipino humor...the whole shebang. I feel as if my tank has been filled. Emotionally, a fulfilling experience.

Gadzooks

It's 4:42 am, and I awoke a minute before 4 am because I thought I heard a loud knock on the door. My heart filled with terror, and I imagined a very persistent and frightening man on my doorstep. After a few minutes immobilized with fear, I got up and checked my door to find the outside lights were on. They usually remain on for a while until an unspecified time. Then I decided to read up on Zoloft and side effects--a truly depressing task. I am afraid of how it will effect my love life. Dr. L had said I could try getting off it for a few days, essentially planning out when I want to rock my socks off. Since seeing A is usually a premeditated task I suppose I could try that. One of the possible side effects of Zoloft is some insomnia, and, according to some, nightmares....suddenly waking up in horror. Perhaps that is what this whole thing was about. Now if I can just get some sleep...........

Happiness Exercise Number 8

1. Was happy to talk to mom for a little bit. She loves me, even though I am always depressed. I am grateful for her

2. Glad sis called me back and let me whimper and go on with self-pity. lol. I made her worry, which is evil, but her concern was what I wanted. I want to feel cared about. I am grateful for her love

3. Am amused and comforted by Ivan's attraction to me, although I had to turn him down. That I have the power to attract remains something I am grateful for, and continues to both surprise me and give me some comfort.

4. Just got off the phone with Jonathan. We had a long hour conversation that might as well have been an hour-long tea. Such a comfort. He and Leo are such happiness and kindness in my life. Absolute joy

5. Day three of Zoloft, and it has definitely cut the edge off. Yeah, I still had a rough day, but I did not spend the whole day crying like a maniac. I felt down, I struggled, I forced my way through part of the day. Which is a huge achievement compared to the past

6. Am excited for the Filipino American History Month Celebration at the Asian Art Museum tomorrow w/Jaena!

7. Grateful for Coffee Break French

8. My fever is relaxing. I think I am getting better.

9. My conversation w/Jonathan allowed me to remember some of the lovely memories I last had with A. Him kissing my hair and murmuring "baby" while half-awake during the night. The way he kisses my hand. That he insists our connection is more than sex. That he says "I'm quite in love with you." I guess "quite" means "very." Thinking about all this makes me so happy. Happy as a kite.

Kryptonite

I am plagued with loneliness today. Somehow I was able to ward it off a little yesterday. Maybe because sis was around in the morning? I went to bed quite early last night, telling myself I wasn't pathetic (at bed at 9 pm? ) and that I was sick, so an early bedtime was appropriate. Really, I wasn't sleepy at all. I did feel fragile and unable to think because the proteins in my brain and body felt like they were scrambling from the fever--which was on and off--a boiling hot cauldron to icy winter chills from moment to moment........ and this made me feel quite useless as a human being. So sleep seemed like a lovely escape from feelings of uselessness. But I was awoken by several phone calls by people, one of which was mom, who was promising to call again in a few hours since she was on a break at work. I asked her not to since I was desperate to get some sleep and to force some sort of peace in my achey heart, when I noticed that He was on the other line. Mom agreed to just call me in the morning, and I clicked over to hear his scratchy dry voice, and felt my heart explode in my chest. He was walking Mojo and thought to call. We did not speak about anything profound, but I had to fight to keep the shameful joy from erupting in my voice. It was a short conversation, but it was sorta leisurely, I guess. He sounded tired (as he always does), but when the conversation was coming to an end there was this pause, and then we both said I love you at the same time. And that was that. But I was so crazy happy. I was an absolute crazy happy beast for a little bit. Just crazy happy. In a way I hadn't been in a long time. I texted this news to a few beloved, and rolled in bed with scrunched eyes in emotional ecstasy, re-reading old texts he had written and trying to allow myself the idea that he did care for me, that it wasn't fiction. I was in such a good mood that I became hungry and heated up some lechon and rice...which turned out to become fried fat and rice, since there was not as much meat involved. Eating this, ice cream, and then sleeping resulted in a nightmarish dream in which sis was kidnapped. I managed to get her rescued, but I was plagued with guilt that she was kidnapped in the first place because it was my dream, I should have found a way for it not to happen, ever. Fatty food = nightmares.

I tried to sleep away my Saturday, telling myself it was to make myself better--that this was more about fighting my fever, and less about my depression and inability to face life. But around 2 pm I could not go around it any longer. I am only able to take microscopic steps as far as doing anything at all. I organized my bills. That was a task I always feel better about achieving. I tidied up my room. I fed myself. I returned some texts. I emailed my aunt. I contacted SFSU (err...left a message). I called mom, J & L, sis. I called back Ivan, and broke the news that I was seeing someone. That was fun. I hate the way men react to this, go into mourning. I admitted my insecurities about Him, and Ivan pounced on this, eager to rip Him to pieces, trying to make himself appealing. But Ivan is a conservativepants. Yuck. Dinner was chicken masaala, which was delicious, but it made me think of H. Thinking of H made me feel guilty and horrified. I get why I had to dump him, but it's still absurd. To turn down the affections of another--especially someone who is actually a very lovely, dedicated, attentive, generous, needy (I guess I like that shit since I'm a needy monster), vulnerable, beautiful soul......I feel like it's an act of Hell. An act of Satan. That I turned this beautiful soul down....that my heart turned away from him the moment I was with Him. It fits no sense of justice or love logic at all. In fact it is an act of violent perversion. I can't ever imagine it working out with H. Ever. But he is emotionally handleable, while He is emotionally handling me. So. Where does that leave us? H, D, and now Ivan, are three fellas who are clamoring for me, all now officially rejected, and none remotely a possibility. And there is Him, who hurts my heart, who is my kryptonite.

Happiness Exercise Number 7

1. Second day on Zoloft. I don't know if it's a placebo effect (okay, it probably is), but I feel like I am managing my depression waay better. I know I feel sad/bad, but instead of it consuming me like it usually does, I've thought: "What are ways to fight this? How can I stay busy?" I did not have the strength to this just a few days ago. All I could do was cry

2. I'm sick, but I spent all morning sleeping away. I'm glad I did. Will probably head to bed early after taking some tylenol. My body has the chills and feels achey, my throat is sore, and my head feels sorta weird. But I am taking it easy, and being gentle with myself

3. Jonathan and Leo. Need I say more?

4. It was lovely to talk to Cheryl this morning :-)

5. He text me this morning....I was happy for that. I am trying to come to terms with how crazy I am for him, and the way he is. I am forgiving myself for this as much as I can. At this point, all I can do is pray that God will get me through this. As impossible and unbelieving as I am, I need to believe I will survive this. I will be forgiven in the end (I hope) for being so powerless and...well, stupid about someone like him. I will survive this. And I will be loved again.

6. Considering I spent most of today by myself, I did not fall into as deep a depression as I normally would. In fact, I was able to surrender to my loneliness in a non-debilitating manner. I know I feel lonely and needy easily, and it's okay. I don't need to hate myself for that, or crucify myself. I took matters into my own hands to fight the loneliness. I listened to Coffee Break French, I cleaned. I rested. I texted a few friends. It's gonna be okay.

Don't break my heart like her

The ability to find happiness feels like an elusive and painful process. I am hoping this is just an issue of my twenties. I want so very much for this stage of my life to be over. I want an ease in stress and depression. I am starting to think that Zoloft might be the only cure. Who cares if I can't orgasm? So fucking what? What's the use of an orgasm if I am having fantasies of slicing my throat at all times? Being at home doesn't help. I cannot blame my parents. But then again, being back up is a total nightmare. I want no more to do with H, and I am so obsessed with A--like an illness. I am in so much pain, it feels like madness. Mom's therapist told me to think of ways to calm myself down--sooth myself. I have to think of things that are true about me....truths that calm me down.

He said number one, I was very attractive. That is not the first time he has said that. It is such a pleasure to me that he thinks so.

Number two, he said I did very well in my classes. That is true. In Anatomy, Physio, and Micro = all A's.

Number 3, I am a kind and generous person. I do the best I can to be a good friend.

Number 4, I dance Lindy swing! And it gives me great joy

Number 5, I have good friends who are beautiful, beautiful creatures.

Happiness Exercise #6

1. Maid of Honor duties give me a sense of purpose. And being needed. It's draining as hell, but I like being needed. I think I had a good time with my friend today

2. Got to have Filipino food today. Always a reason to rejoice

3. When I was with him, I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I spilled my guts. And he responded as if he was taking notes, memorizing what I needed and wanted. Attentive. It's weird how he acts as if I am the one keeping us from seeing each other more than once a week. He is a fucking alien. Anyway. It was wonderful. I was so happy. He does these sweet things that make me drown with happiness. I felt drunk with joy with him.

4. He wants me to meet his sister!!!!!!!!!!! And he's mentioned me to her! AAAAACK! HAPPY AS HELL OVER THAT

5. First time experiencing acupuncture. Not a deus ex machina experience, but new and different. I now have a tincture to drink twice a day to relieve me of anxiety and depression. We shall see if it works. I feel as if I am slowly gathering an arsenal of protection against the demons within me

6. Grateful for sis for checking on me all day. GRATEFUL!

7. Got message from Sheryl to hang out soon. She has been trying to hang out with me a lot lately. It honors me that I have intelligent friends who care about me

8. Going to LA soon. Scared and happy. It will be good to have a break from him because it's like he's cast a spell over me.

9. He spoke again about me moving in with him. It's bullshit and fucking absurd, but it makes me sooooooooooo happy. I wish mom's voice saying "Why doesn't he just ask you to marry him?" didn't pop up in my head when he says stuff like that.

10. Have lindyhop to look forward to next Tuesday. Can't wait

Oh Please God

My emotions are always up and down. I got off the phone w/sis feeling happy. And then I stupidly looked at his profile, and was perplexed not to see that bitch's message on his profile. I mean, I had asked him why he even deleted her message if she was just a friend. And he was like: "Deleted?" All perplexed. So I decided it was my FB. So allegedly he didn't delete her message. So who did? And how? Did she go back on his profile and delete what she wrote? When he described her to me, he said he didn't find her attractive. That she has these crazy furrowed wrinkles on her head from scowling/frowning so much because she has crazy mental problems. He emphasized how crazy she was. And how, the last time he saw her, she had had botox done, and so her forehead was smooth, and she looked so weird. So. Weird forehead scrunch, weird forehead smooth, and crazy as hell. Well I told him I think I'm a bit crazy too. And he said, "you're not like split personality...." And I was like, "bipolar?" And he said yes. And I believed him. When I am with him it's like heaven. But away I go crazy. I hope God has mercy on me, and this guy isn't actually a pathological liar.

Happiness Exercise #5

1. Walked the lake today with Leo. So I think it has been 5 days of either shred or Lake walking, with a day after the 5th where I had a break. Not bad. Today I walked the lake, but I ate ice cream and a popsicle. And a late night pizza. But I still feel good. My body has that tingling feel it has after a hot shower. But the lovely September warmth of the sun felt delicious on my shoulders and legs today.

2. I loved wearing my Walk-Lake-and-tan-legs-at-the-same-time outfit! Leo & sis were impressed. I feel so incredibly sporty and lesbian in it. lol. Love how I look in it.

3. My trauma book is already healing me strictly through it's existence.

4. almost done with wedding invitations

5. Got a brazilian. My poor privates! It looks red and pissed off now, but it's nice to have it all waxed off

6. Sis stayed in with me, despite my never-ending moodiness. During her period! I am forever grateful

That's pain leaving the body

It is 12:07 am, and I will be dumped today. Or. Maybe. I . Will. Dump. Him. First. Unsure how it will work out. I would rather not. I have been a weepy, depressed mess over this guy. And all signs keep pointing downhill. I have never dated a lying cretin before. I have never liked someone who was so slick and evil before. I have never been so stupid in my life. A significant, highly idiotic, foolish part of me wishes it were all untrue. That this is all smoke and mirrors. Maybe there's been some large misunderstanding. Once all facts have come out, it turned out he loves me after all. That he's not a fucking liar. But no matter how hard I cling on to that fantasy, deep inside I know the truth. I wish so hard there was another way. I want no more pain. I want a release button, some sort of escape route from today. I want a fast forward button to a time when my life makes sense, when pain is an alien concept. All I can do is read my book on trauma, and contemplate my upcoming trauma. I am starting to imagine myself as an impala being attacked by a cheetah. Being ripped piece by excruciating piece. Except right before the moment of impact (or during), I tense, I immobilize, and I feel nothing. I leave my body, and hence, I leave my pain. I wonder if there was a way i can do that. Leave my body, leave my pain. And come back to it when things don't hurt anymore.

Happiness Exercise #4

1. Saw "Soul Kitchen" with Jonathan and Leo. Cool movie. Light-hearted, silly, fun. Just a party. The Greek protagonist and his brother remind me of a certain guy a lot. Was honored to be invited.

2. We ate at Holy Land Restaurant--which was delicious if expensive. I had no intention of eating again, but got a bit roped into it. The malawach stole the show. Absolutely delicious! The lemonade with mint was crazy different. An experience

3. Spending time with J & L is food for the soul. They are so lovely.

4. The apartment is clean & neat

5. Today was a rest day. Absolutely no exercise, and didn't eat as healthy as I had tried for the past six days. My body is relieved for the break. I am doing my best to be gentle and not panic for this day.

6. Reading bits of "Waking the Tiger: Healing the Trauma" helps a little. I am grateful for it.

7. Paid all the bills for the month, and am up-to-date with my finances, finally. Have started on friend's wedding invitations. It's gonna happen.

8. Sis says my eyebrows look waxed. That's the goal. Trying to maintain them as much as possible to avoid having to go to the salon.

9. Have leftover falafel. That's exciting.

10. Have quarters for laundry and parking. Feel a sense of security over that.

Clitoridectomy

OMG. It's been three days since I've poured my heart and soul, and no text. Nothing at all.

Happiness Exercise #3

1. Tuesday Lindy Night Jump was a blast! I tried out my very first intermediate class, and it was a good fit. At first I was intimidated, but I think I caught on. I got to dance with two people who were just great. One dude had so much attitude in his zoot suit hipster-ness. He was a riot to dance with. We exchanged numbers so now I have an official swing buddy. The other guy, Dave, was this generic, bland white guy (not cute) who I thought nothing of when he asked me to dance with him. But he turned out to be an absolute riot to dance with. Again with "riot" as the description. His dancing style is extremely fun/funny. Just straight, flat-out FUN. You have to laugh while you dance with him, he keeps a mostly straight face with a slight grin escaping from the side of his mouth sometimes, and with dance moves that reveal a playful, silliness....and yet skill. With these two, it's not about making you spin like a maniac. They show off, but in ways that are pure joy. The first dude is about attitude and style. Wonderful. The other one is about this light-hearted fun silliness. But both guys have skills to pay the bills. It was so great. I had no time to doll up (and didn't have time last week neither), but dancing makes me feel so radiant and beautiful. It is one of the activities where, for a couple of hours, pain leaves the body, my heart, my mind. I am finding Lindy to be an absolute joy.

2. Therapy was great. Linda gave me this book: "Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma." It's to help me find ways to cope. I am excited to read it. I told her I would try to read one piece of feminist writing everyday, and write about it for 15 minutes. That would awaken my dormant feminist soul. I think she really forgives me/accepts me despite all my many mistakes. I feel so safe with her. I am so grateful for her loving face and smile, and the effort she has put in with me.

3. Even though I missed a shred yesterday, I have been doing some form of exercise everyday for the past six days.

4. Despite the anxiety, expense, and stress, my friend's wedding, and my maid of honor responsibilities have been SUCH a relief/ lovely distraction from my pains with old balls. Such a lovely and needed distraction. It feels so good to be needed/useful to someone as lovely as Yanira.

5. When I think about my Lindy dancing skills, I feel this guilty pleasure joy. I have a lot to learn, but still....I'm LEARNING! It makes me so happy! I never thought I would get this dance ever when I was younger. The basic lindy swingout was too bloody complicated, I thought. To be able to do it now...it's just too much happiness. I am so happy for Lindy hop.

Camp Mendocino

It's 5:56 am, and I woke up with the painful thought of him and his ex. Hanging out. I am waking up every morning now, and he is always the first thought in my mind. It hurts. A lot. I told my therapist that this constant pain is me telling myself that he's going to dump me. So when it happens, I won't be surprised. She then responded, "How has this [strategy] served you?" She was trying to get me to realize that it hasn't. That constant pain is not as great a protective mechanism as my psyche is leading me to believe. After I told her how I called my ex.....she said, "That's okay that you called him. It's okay." She read my mind, my want from her. I wanted her to say that. I wanted someone to forgive me. I have been doing things that harm me. I have felt I had no choice. They were sad, painful compulsions, like an addict. My inability to do anything to protect myself, my compulsion to turn the other cheek has gotten out of hand, and my desperation to be forgiven and loved is an endless well of sadness. But she has lent me a book that she says will help me find coping strategies. I need ways to cope with this horrific part of my life. All I can do is find ways to cope, pray a lot (despite my bitterness and misgivings about religion), and keep busy. I beg God for a solution everyday. The most obvious one is too horrible--I should dump him. I should end it. I am afraid I will never meet someone like him. I hated my dry spell. HATED IT. It was lovely actually. For my body and mind to heal. I was able to actually think about my goals and dreams. But my body and heart would much rather lean on someone, have someone validate me, in some superficial means. It is very, very hard to do it on my own. I had been half-assedly doing that for the past bunch of years. It is hard to convince myself, I am not a large fan of myself in general. At least not right now. Any little thing makes me want to disappear.

I need to dissect why I feel this need to cling on to someone that makes me feel deeply unloved. I think it must be his money *BARF*. No, too cheap. I may worry that his wealth makes me crazy, but I'm not that shallow. It must be what he represents to me. Stability and a bit of glamour. Two things I desire desperately right now. But how has he, the way he is, served me? Not much. Expensive dinners and fleeting moments of romance are cheap cover-ups for emotional agony, back-breaking insecurity, and constant sadness.

Happy Exercise #2

1. Did five consecutive days of the Shred! Happyyyyy about that

2. finally got the courage to call and talk to him. It wasn't a perfect conversation, but he did tell me he cared about me, and he was very serious about me. Something about maybe having me move in with him (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

3. Researched Bachelorette Party for amiga

4. Paid bills for month

5. Got to see Jonathan and Leo briefly

6. Got to see smokin' hot classmate. Freakin' hot

Happiness Exercise #1

My depression is getting out of hand. I have to get my shit together. Sis says to do happiness exercises.

1. Karla called me ten times when I called her crying. She called and I was on the phone with someone else, but she called me ten times because she cared about me. And when she spoke, she was so great. So great. I still don't understand why the planets have not collided into each other, or that pigs aren't flying out my window, or that hell hasn't frozen over yet. The fact that she is so fucking amazing on the inside....and jaw-droppingly beautiful on the outside...that she is such a goddamn beautiful human being....it boggles my mind. And she is my friend. And I love her. And she loves me. I still cannot believe my good luck. I just cannot believe it.

2. Even though I fucked up royal, Leo forgave me. I believed it when he told me so. And I love him so, and he was so sweet to me the last time I saw him. He has forgiven me. And I am so happy for that. That Jonathan and Leo love and care for me are beyond words happiness.

3. I am on the third day of the 30 Day Shed. I am proud of myself

4. I took my blind neighbor out for donuts today. I think she had a good time, and it was pleasant to get to know someone. She educated me about misconceptions about blind people.

5. My presence is a comfort for my friend Yanira. Her sisters said I should be a wedding organizer. They were impressed by all the stuff I have done. I have surprised myself.

6. I am enjoying the little bits of French I have learned in one French lesson.

7. I am fitting rather well in a size eight dress--my maid of honor dress. The number is so alien and pleasing to me. There are parts of me I have to tone and tighten, but still. I will rock that dress.

8. One of Yanira's nephews...a fifteen year-old liked talking to me. I felt this magic peace to be able to bond with someone in high school. A kid. It was a nice surprise.

Rohypnol

I didn't think I could feel the kind of pain I had years ago from that breakup. I didn't think I would ever heal from that or ever feel that same excruciating pain on a daily basis again. I thought I had managed to heal, I had managed to start to put the pieces together. I was starting to get there, there was other things to hope for, other dreams, other thoughts in my head. I had good, healthy people in my life. I had people who accepted me, warts and all. I thought I got my shit together.

I feel as if I am in a daily hell. I don't know how to get it out. I know how to make it worse. I finally spoke to a friend with the clearest head, and she had a lot of crazy wise things to say. She blows my mind by how wonderful she is. I have to get my brain back. I have to get my heart back. I need myself back. I wonder if this guy is poison. I wonder if I have been poisoned. I think I would actually feel better if I was stabbed a million times than to experience this. At least the pain would be out and not in. At least I would know that the pain would soon blacken out to unconsciousness instead of being in this hellish purgatory.

I want my voice back. I want my agency. I want my heart back. I want my soul back. I want my dignity. I want my fight back. I am tired of being afraid. Of being scared. What the fuck?! This is insane.

Russian Roulette

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

[Chorus ]
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

(Chorus)

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late too pick up the value of my life

(Chorus)

Quote from Jenna Jameson

It's not like I can just go out and meet a guy and have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that for me. First of all, I am so incredibly intimidating to men. I couldn't get laid if I wanted to. That probably sounds weird, but, I scare the living pants off men.

PR.com: Because they're worried that they're not going to be able to perform well enough for you?

Jenna Jameson: Exactly, that my standards are super high, and I'm the exact opposite. I can work with anything.

I like this quote. It gives me a sense of comfort--not that Jenna Jameson being unapproachable is a good thing. I mean, I empathize with her. Someone told me at the picnic that he thought that the guys were all intimidated by me. My first reaction to everything with these boys is that there is something about me. That it's all about me. HAH. Of course it's not. It's all about them. Their insecurities, their worries, their manhood (or lack thereof). As obvious as it seems, it never occurred to me. I assume that it's me. That I failed somehow. My therapist was so great today. I felt like she gave me a great, big hug. Her words meant a lot to me.

Punjab

I need to write this down before I forget how this feels. Today was such an odd surprise. I woke up begrudgingly. I wanted to sleep in. But I knew I had promised to join Tj at Guruduwara. I had to force myself into some clothes and out the door before I lagged any further than was. Gas, and then frantically on the freeway. I remember a part of me panicking as I sped into 80 E, feeling the morning hit me like an ice bath. I felt barely conscious to be out on the road, driving somewhere I had never been before. Then I was at a toll area, and I realized I brought no cash. Thankfully I brought my laundry quarters, and had enough for the toll.
I arrived at her home, was allowed in, met neighbor and neighbor's breathtakingly beautiful daughter (she's gonna be a heartbreaker fo sho), and then we were all packed into Tj's nice and sporty car, heading for Fairfield. I've only heard of Fairfield, and I always thought it sounded like a faraway place. Immediately all the women in the car started speaking in Punjabi, and it hit me that I was going to something foreign to me, and I would be an outsider. I panicked a little, but kept it in, telling myself to be open to this experience. I had no idea that they were saying, but there was a lot of laughter. Tj sometimes turned and translated, smiling and laughing. Indian women always have the most wicked and fun sense of humor. There is opportunity for laughter in everything. When we got there Tj told me that there would be cops, as security, because the place would be packed.
Long story short (too late!), I ate sooooooo much food. And saw so many gorgeous Sikh men. And got a mad sunburn. And spent the entire time reassuring myself that I wasn't the weirdest thing there. That my East Asian features and non-Indian-ness and non-Sikh-ness was no big deal, and that ppl didn't wish me gone or something. I told myself I was welcome, and it was okay. That fish-out-of-water-feeling one gets from being the outsider, the foreigner. People were cool. No one made me feel bad or anything. All the women were stunning in their Salwaar Kameez and chunni...and spectacular jewelry. I felt like an imposter with my usual layer of makeup. There is no competition, with their gorgeous clothing, jewelry, and demure, traditional demeanor. I did my best not to think about how garish I seemed with my drag queen makeup. There were many women who did wear makeup. Anyway. All the women were stunning. What surprised me was the number of tall, hot Indian men. Wow. Surprise, surprise. I thought my crush was a single thing. One of those rare things that happen when you have been abstinent for waay too long. I thought that he was the exception to the rule, as far as attractions go. Boy am I surprised. Checking out this one particular guy...tall, beautifully buff back (I can tell through his top), wearing this lovely light lavender shirt that revealed a stunning body underneath, dark jeans....beautiful face. There were many hot guys. Surprise, surprise. Hot guy in lavender did check me out. I think it was cuz I was so blatantly checking him out. But the men and women stayed apart from each other. The prayer area was gender segregated. That was fascinating. Anyway, the men mostly did not take note of me. How can they, when it would be 1. blasphemous and 2. Indian women are HOT. It makes no sense.
I ate so much. It was crazy. And I bonded a lot with TJ. That was nice. I sorta tossed studying/working on Micro out the window. Naughty me. And I talked at length with her about my crush(es). Everything about that (the crush-thing) is starting to feel more and more absurd. Like a David Lynch film. I have to find a way to stop. Just turn it off. But I am afraid because it's like going from a David Lynch film to a stupid Michael Bay film. Having a crush is the most invigorating non-boring part of my life right now. It's half crazy stupidity and half exhilirating joy.

Dammit

I keep thinking about Josiah, and his beautiful eyes. It was quite enjoyable/odd to be the only girl in a gaggle of gay men. Five men, to be exact. And sitting across from one who knew I had a crush on him, and whose eyes are mesmerizing and flirtatious.

There is a distinct difference between using one's brain and one's emotional truth, but the distinctions become hazy when insecurities, life circumstances (which can easily convince of me of some "truth" when it is more about coincidence), desires, and projected hopes and dreams are factored in. Sis keeps telling me to get a grip on my feelings, and apparently I let it loose, always parroting the same terrifying dialogue about the same stuff. I keep justifying it to myself/others, but apparently it's psychopathic, mental. I don't have a therapist right now, or else I would be asking her what she thought I should do. I had hoped I did not have a problem. I would rather think that any woman who had gone through what I had would feel the same way, act the same way, etc. It is less horrible than considering that I have let go of my feelings, emotionally sloppy mess, a train wreck of a person, out of control.

Sis' exbf has apparently been miserable since they have stopped talking. I am jealous beyond belief. I wish it did not plague me, but it hurts me so much that my ex has not contacted me, had expected me to maintain contact with him, and, when I stopped that bullshit, has done nothing. And has now a girlfriend. It makes me batshit crazy. I feel like I am one step away from tearing my hair out, from screaming until my throat is destroyed, from shrieking bloody murder. How can someone just write you out of your life after you gave them everything?

I find myself infatuated with men who are absolutely inappropriate because that way I can never have them, and that way it would never go as far as it did with Ex, and while what I am doing is masochistic bullshit, it won't hurt nearly as much as if I did that same song and dance of the past.

I hate this goddamn rain, I hate that my parents are coming up here when I wanted my fucking spring break, and I hate my Ex. And I hate my feelings and my infatuations. Fuck that shit.

Shadows grow so long before my eyes

And they're moving
across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away
from the city
Well, don't
hesitate
cause your love
won't wait..............

It is so lovely to end this week with a decadent, rich meal with sis and Vanessa. It was just really great. Vanessa looked radiant and beautiful. I love men and that one-of-a-kind-energy you only get from penis, but I love love love women so much. Happy about my relationships with women these days. I have friends and have become friends with jewels. When I think of these women, and how lucky I am to have them as friends, I feel richer than anything. I am grateful.

I came to a realization during the meal: that I find Dr. Levine ridiculously attractive. I hope I am as maddeningly sexy at 64. She is so beautiful. Not sexy in a jerk-off-when-you-are-alone-and-no-one-is-watching-kinda way. Not at all. She's just wonderful. Her aura, her fierce intelligence, her brain. And I think she is lovely to look at. I can look at her all day. She is a cat, she looks like she climbs trees, she is radiant. There must be a God that women can be so beautiful outside of the narrow definition of beauty offered by the media. Women like Dr. Levine and Dr. Barnes exist, and I find them so sexy and beautiful older women. None of them look like they diet or are even connected to conventional traditional ideas of anything at all, be it gender, sex, human species, mammal, gram positive organisms, eukaryote, etc. They are outside of everything. They are beyond it. They are gods. They are just really warm, kind, fiercely intelligent, magical women. I love them so much.

I continue to be in awe of my growing friendships with Yanira and Wivine. I am trying to take it in the way I did when I first realized the friendships forming with the lovely ladies in Physio. They are unexpected gifts. Whether they be a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I am so blessed to be allowed to have been allowed to share some of their time on this planet.

SPRING BREAK! I can now rest (I hope!). I haven't slept decently in ages. I am excited about sleep. Now that I finally have my period, I am back to daydreaming about my crush. I am enjoying torturing myself with thoughts and fantasies about him. Bliss. I hope I can reign it in somehow. Today was so satisfying.

Geezus

OMG. How am I going to survive the quiz on Thursday? I am not studying, and I feel miserable sick. This weather is making me batty, and my PMS is making me sentimental and sad. I need to suck it up and study. Must remember that there are people out there who I love and love me. Must think about Tita Bits and Sonia, the two women who took care of me as a baby. Must think about Lolo and Lola. It's gotten to that. I have to think of people who loved me at my most vulnerable state, and meditate on being cared for, in a womb-like manner. Must think about Manang Fe, the wonderful Tita/Lola who always tells me, with fierce-ness in both voice and eyes, "We LOVE YOU!" Must think about the precious gifts of friendship given to me by many people. Must think about Lola Puring, Charlotte Zelka, and Carmen Covington. Women who have passed away, whom I miss and love, women who have touched my heart. Must use love as a shield to help my body/mind heal so I can focus on my goals, my dreams, and this damn quiz.

Noodle Knees

It is 12:55am, and I have a fever that is scrambling my proteins. My friend thinks I need to cut back my flirting. He is both right and wrong. He believes in caution and subtlety--which I appreciate, but cannot abide by. I live in that awful margin of being both Asian and American, meaning that I am both garishly obvious, loud, and unabashed, and painfully subtle and repressed. Always at points when the other side is more appropriate. We are supposed to do karaoke/hotpot this weekend, and he is (rightfully!) scared that I will hit on his very taken friend. I told him I would behave and he (rightfully) doesn't believe me. I think all I have to do is see my sis' disapproving look/look of disgust, and I will cut back on my flirting. It's just that my attractions have gotten all out of whack. It is like high school all over again. In my head I am attracted to the most generic, safe, and conventionally attractive guys. Very beautiful, handsome, upstanding citizens. But reality shows an attraction to the weirdest creatures on earth. A strange gaggle of men and women. It must be some Darwinian thing. I consider myself attractive in a relatively conventional way. Not hideous or super model, but decent. So, of course, I would be attracted to some unconventional people, right? It's all about desiring your opposite, or someone who would vary up the gene pool. Make things lively. But I am a feminist, and I HATED, absolutely loathed flirty single women when I had a bf. So I need to reign in my horrible tendency to flirt with men knowing they are unable to flirt back (safe for me, since I don't have to deal with the consequences of actually dealing with a person who flirts back. YES. I'm a COWARD). This also explains my attraction to my crush. I feel he cannot flirt back, because he is of a different culture. Aside from his bedroom eyes. Which I appreciate very much. I assume he is caged in by his culture, and will never go after me, despite my red, enflamed, baboon ass, which I wag in his face every chance I get. But maybe it's not true. It could be he knows exactly what I'm doing, and he doesn't desire me back at all. At all. Maybe I am a goofy joke.

I have an insane fantasy of going to Venus for breakfast at 8 am, and giving my crush my phone number. I want her very much. She is absurdly hot. I found my crush on FB, and his picture is ultimate dork. What a dork! Gooftastic. I am now even more repelled. Yet it makes him even more accessible. He continues to be my ridiculous fascination. It has really become too long at this point. I need to make myself go out and date.

I've been feeling upside down for the past three evenings. An overall sense of physical unease, a mental jumbled-ness. Emotionally discombobulated. I wish I can just say it has something to do with being physically sick, or my PMS, but it is also due to a few actions/mistakes (specifically, two mistakes) I have recently made in the past week. Sometimes I find myself unable to keep my hand from touching the flame. I have to make the same mistakes a million times, get burned a million times, stare in shock at my bad choices a million times. And still I never learn. What do they call that? Being insane? Life is such a nightmare in the sense that I never know if an investment is really worth it, if people are worth the effort. I find my heart gives out at seemingly arbitrary moments, and I reach out to a strange array of people. It is always a gamble. It turns out to be 50/50. But without risk I would be an aloof, closed-off person. That is how I justify my tendency to reach out to the coldest, most obviously unfriendly sorts. I am a masochist, true and true. *sigh* I can't help it. I LOVE, love, love, love, l-o-v-e Melvin and Shoole. I love them. Oh God, please forgive me for loving the wrong people. Please forgive me for being soft and weak for people who are unable to love back. I wish I was stronger and more aloof. I wish I knew how to know which people not to love, and which people were able to love me back.

Must Remember

Before I forget...I must remember

successful if nerve-wracking gram stain test / streak plate

30/25 (extra credit!) for math serial dilution quiz

Calling Melvin, calling Shoole--her answering...a very lovely 45 minutes with them. Her telling me she had hoped I would call. The great feeling I got from her.

The productive and friendly study meeting for drug dosages.

Offering Gita a ride home
being invited in for tea
having chai tea made for me from scratch! seeing her toss in a handful of spices and a piece of cinnamon stick into brewing milk
telling her my big secret
her jaw dropping in shock
her saying he was so sexy
her showing me pictures of Nepal
having Nepalese food for dinner
the pork dish is AMAZING
realizing that Nepalese food is AMAZING and I might like it better than Indian food
her explaining to me all of his signals

realizing that this crush is officially reciprocated

not quite able to handle it

surprised and high of the fact that these two guys like me

feeling burdened by the responsibility of their feelings

giddy and stupid over tomorrow

I have been waking up at 4am for the past week. Am starting to feel brain dead and high.

Have been bonding with a woman from Central Africa, a woman from Nigeria, a woman from Nepal, a woman from Mexico. Relishing and enjoying these moments.

Definitely NOT watching my diet, exercising, or sleeping very much...and yet not feeling guilty one bit. Things aren't fitting right, but my heart is consumed with this goal. The lovely numb feeing of a goal. The ability to shut out pain. I am loving this bandaid, if this is all it is. I am loving this tunnel vision very much.

Adore Dr. Perez and Dr. Levine SO MUCH.

Trying really hard to absorb as much of this happiness as much as I can.

Telling mom about my visiting Gita, and her enjoyment from the story

High off "Battlestar Galactica," the hottie Apollo, and thinking about my crush

Thinking about how these two guys are confused as hell on who I like. Realizing I had somehow gotten their attention. Wanting to laugh at the preposterous idea of getting in between two men. Ridiculous. Absurd.

Enjoying my immunity from needing people right now. Enjoying my lack of needyness. Am grateful for this respite. This peace has been hard earned. It comes with a growing inability to trust or hope in more from people, but at least it spares me further pain.

Love Dr. Levine's almostsexy bow and hand flourish when she suddenly opened the door for me and friend. 64 year-old-women are still hot! Especially scientists! Who climb trees and have piercing eyes! I adore her.

Beatriz

Olha
Será que ela é moça
Será que ela é triste
Será que é o contrário
Será que é pintura
O rosto da atriz

Se ela dança no sétimo céu
Se ela acredita que é outro país
E se ela só decora o seu papel
E se eu pudesse entrar na sua vida

Olha
Será que ela é de louça
Será que é de éter
Será que é loucura
Será que é cenário
A casa da atriz
Se ela mora num arranha-céu
E se as paredes são feitas de giz
E se ela chora num quarto de hotel
E se eu pudesse entrar na sua vida

Sim, me leva pra sempre, Beatriz
Me ensina a não andar com os pés no chão
Para sempre é sempre por um triz
Aí, diz quantos desastres tem na minha mão
Diz se é perigoso a gente ser feliz

Olha
Será que é uma estrela
Será que é mentira
Será que é comédia
Será que é divina
A vida da atriz
Se ela um dia despencar do céu
E se os pagantes exigirem bis
E se o arcanjo passar o chapéu
E se eu pudesse entrar na sua vida

Poker Face

I'm in the strange position of liking someone who likes me back. It's happened before, but it's been a while. I've been out of the game for a while. For years. It's been years since I've had a crush crush...and I was hoping I could just enjoy this one for what it is. I don't really want anything from this. I can't picture myself with this person at all. It's too weird. But he has thrown signals my way, and I am both drunk with excitement and also freaked out. I kind of want to hide in a cave until he leaves. I have been praying that I can keep my head on straight and focus on school and my goals, and not get distracted by ridiculous attractions. Here I am with a ridiculous attraction that is returned. I am not ready for this at all. I think I am just enjoying the attention. I know nothing about this guy, other than the fact that he's very smart and has a supportive clique of also smart friends. And that these buncha fellas seem very masculine to me. I need to focus on school.

'Tis forever women leaping to condemn each other, she reflected. She wondered why that was. Women posed dangers to one another that they somehow do not pose to men.

-The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe

So true! Over the years I continue to feel perplexed by this. I understand why this happens...it makes a lot of sense. It actually makes less sense when a woman does not betray her gender. Still, it makes me sad.