It's raining in S. Pas, and no one is home. The house is an icy freezer, yet still manages to be comforting and beautiful. Listening and watching the rain coming down from the windows is calming and makes me feel moody and melancholy in a rather pleasant way. It is easy to feel like I am the only human being left in the planet because it is so quiet, aside from the noises of the many clocks in the house, and the soft falling rain. We are only days away from 2010, and I feel like I can take this time to pause and mull over everything that's happened, and pray for hope and strength for the coming year. I've been mostly a wreck, but a working wreck, one who loves and tries despite repeated failings. I bet I am not the only one who feels that way. There are plenty of people who haunt me, who I love as fiercely as if I've just discovered them, and I think I am learning to let go. There are also plenty who are open arms, and they continue to surprise me and fill me with gratitude. Mom is out helping Lolo with something, and Dad is at a reunion party with his friends. I am glad to be left alone. Despite the anxiety of family, relatives, and painful memories, I feel protected here. Protected from my adult life where I feel powerless, always responsible, exhausted, and alone despite much evidence to the contrary. Here is where I was younger, here is where I grew up. It is not an ideal shelter, but it feels like a cocoon. I have three books to keep me company, and the occasional get-togethers with some friends. It is a good blend, and I feel myself relaxing and feeling a letting go that is relief after a year of tightly-gripped tension, worry, and pain.
Thank you, Sis, for being my rock all year. You were the light that wouldn't let me give up despite my self-absorbed, obnoxious depressions. You have been beyond supportive to a sister who has not always been as supportive of you. I don't always deserve you, but I am grateful for you always.
5 weeks ago
