Weird Compliments

Is it me or did you just get out of a bathtub full of rainbows?

-Andy Milonakis

My friend Didi and her bf visited, and it was cool. I felt like I would have a heart attack for all the stuff I had to do to prepare, but somehow, with not all that much sleep, lots of juggling, and a little bit of stalling (she arrived early, asked if we needed a little bit more time before they came over) it all worked out. It was great to meet her bf. He was really sweet, and I could see why they were together. What a nurturing and sensitive soul. I did wonder to myself, "What kind of guy would drive his gf 7 hours just so she could see her friends?" A really generous dude, for sure. They were fussing over each other a lot, and did the usual couple-in-love-things. I felt amazed how immune I was to it. Didn't feel an urge to barf or any desire to tell them how gross it is for innocent bystanders to watch that stuff. I felt a little violated when they were on my bed, and he was sorta straddling her, and they were talking to me as if this was normal. I hid my inner gagging (I did wash my sheets the minute they were gone). I just felt really happy that they had each other, and that they made each other happy. Maybe I've finally become an adult. Or maybe they just kept their public fornication to a minimum. It's odd. I always thought I would be the most bitter and horrible single person. Hating on couples and stuff. Sometimes I get that way. But not as much as I thought I would. Lately I feel happy for them, cause I know how damn hard it is to keep that love stuff going. It's so much work, sacrifice, tears, blood. The futility of it all makes it so damn special. And the hard part of it, the unglamorous part...the part that makes you neurotically jealous, or horrifically insecure, annoying to be around (cause you won't stop yakking about your romantic other), and terrifyingly vulnerable is so harrowing and life-changing that it's freeing to just watch others go through it. I can step back and feel joy for the love they have, feel compassion for how vulnerable it makes them, and forgive myself that it's gone from me now, and that I was imperfect and sometimes horrible and weak and lame. Because love does that to a person. It makes you really strong and feel powerful and protected. And it also makes you really lame! Haha.

Next week is my last week with Jade, my therapist. I will miss her. She was really cool. Last week she told me that she cared about me, that she hopes I will be okay. What a lovely thing to say. Her English is a little halting (not her first language), and everything she says and does is infused with Buddhist-like stillness and quietness. When she told me she cared about me she said it shyly, but with this seriousness. I was very touched and humbled. I mean, I vomit my emotional baggage on this woman! She also said that I have an openness with people that is not common. She said I have an emotional generosity. She told me this after a particularly hard session. For her to tell me all these nice things after I was so emotionally naked and horribly imperfect...it was so kind of her.

Dead Feet

It's my feet. Being all scary and shit.

I miss you, Charlotte!

When I was in So. Cal, I had a moment with my mom when we spoke about Charlotte, this good friend who had passed away some years ago. She was my mother's good friend, but when she was alive we always seemed to hold our breath about her, because she was too good to be true, too lovely, too generous, too talented, glamorous and worldly,...unforgettable. When someone like that graces you with their friendship, it is bizarrely impossible to express openly how much you love and appreciate them. I think we never quite believed it, she was sorta unreal--like a fairy godmother I had always wanted. An older woman who always seemed to look out for me, sis, and my mom. When she died it feels like a part of my mom died as well. She does not talk about it. I sense it is such a deep and shocking loss to her. I was playing my clarinet, dusting off my old music, and mom joined me for some duets. We did Weber's Concertino--one of our favorites, and one that I was so fortunate to play in my very last recital (? Who knows, maybe one day I will get lessons again and have more recitals) with the overly qualified, toured-Europe-with-the-Vienna-Boys-Choir Charlotte. So, playing the Concertino made me think of Charlotte. After that, we reminisced about the old days, talking about my different clarinet tutors over the years (and each of their interesting and peculiar personalities), my horrible practicing habits, and Charlotte. After a silent pause, I burst into tears and told my mom how much I missed her. My mom's response was, "How do you think I feel?" She knew her so much more--she must miss her infinitely more. Yet these days, after not thinking about Charlotte for some years, she has been popping up in my heart a lot, in my mind. I cannot play the clarinet and not think about her. Her memory haunts me. It horrifies me that Charlotte's family has not allowed friends to visit Charlotte's grave. I hate that they don't seem to realize how important it is to grieve her loss and celebrate her life. My mom says their family is very private. If there is an after-life...I hope Charlotte somehow knows how important she was to these Saddul women.

Speaking of good friends, it was lovely to see uno de mis mejores amigos, Anthony, while we were in town. Anthony is so tiiiight and in shape, it's amazing!

My phone died. It did leave me one farewell message: "Insert your SIM card." This flashed, and then it zonked out. I pulled out the battery to see if the SIM card had fallen out, but it was still there. And then I turn on and off my cell several times and was only greeted with this frozen scene saying "Cingular." It's like it's frozen. It is "on," but I can't access anything. Pooo!

Three Cool Things:

1. Therapy went well. Jade has the best energy. I only have two more sessions with her. I have really enjoyed meeting with her. I will miss her a lot.

2. Really lovin' my new glasses. I just love it. It works with my hair. With hair and glasses combined, I feel immune from unwanted male attention! Yay! I guess it doesn't give me wanted male attention either, but I'm just happy to get rid of the gross attention I was getting with the long hair.

3. Brian was really sweet to us, and I love how he treats my sis. I am touched by it very much.

Cicciolina

Alegria

1. Hanging out with Megan! Yay!

2. Chillin' with family and not making any mistakes when played clarinet for Lolo

3. Getting parents to watch 3 episodes of "Ugly Betty" with us, and noticing how much mom loved it

It sounds like a cat's tongue feels

Stephanie Zacharek's description of Jason Statham's voice. Sounds like she's a fan!

Good thangs:

1. Got lots of nutritious sleep today.

2. Went to the dentist and discovered the source of my toothache! There were a couple cavities! They (dentist-folk) were really nice, and cleaned my teeth, and operated and injected me with meds, and I left with swollen chipmunk cheeks. It is such a relief to have been seen by the dentist finally.

3. They put on a movie (as they always do) as they attacked my teeth. And because I am a girl they always put on the worst chick flicks ever. I usually don't know what is worse: the pain I receive from these movies, or the pain from the dentist teeth work. I was forced to watch "Made of Honor" which was not as horrible as I thought it would be. I spent so much time ridiculing it when I first saw the trailers for it, that I was surprised how much I didn't hate it. I don't love it, or even like it, but I don't hate it with a murderous passion as I usually do with these mundane chick flicks. That was a relief!

A Heap of Broken Images

I found an old essay I wrote as a freshman in high school describing my views on the meaning of life, religion, and even homosexuality. It wasn't an outstanding paper, but I'm not entirely ashamed of it. I basically decided that life was for having fun. And that I didn't understand "prejudism against gays." On one hand I look at the paper and wonder who that person was. I mean...I wrote: "I live life with one word on my mind: fun." Weird! I can't even remotely understand that mentality now. It's not that fun isn't important to me, but the idea that it would be my main life philosophy is so alien to me. It's so divorced from my current mentality that I wonder if I was lying to myself. Or just writing ditzy because I was a teenager and felt an obligation to play the part. I was about to write that I wasn't a hedonistic party-fiend at 16, but I suddenly remembered that I did have a bit of fun.Maybe it's just my goddamn job that has me being all old and negative and shit. My cursive was actually kinda cute.

Three Positive Thangs:

1. Flossing and brushing is the best. I have a little toothache, and flossing and brushing gives me some mental relief. I am off for a morning appointment to the dentist tomorrow, and am bracing myself for a lecture about cavities or something. But yeah...flossing and brushing--good acts, good-for-you, good times.

2. Lip balm is the best! My lips are very happy right now cuz I finally got something for them. I forgot to pack balm, and managed to get some stuff right now. If my lips could kiss me, they would.

3. The reign of the bloody noses is over. It was a brief period...a few hours last night, when my cold transformed into a nightmarish blood-fest. Thankfully it was a short period, and my nose is getting less and less congested every day. I have been able to taste all my meals for two days straight. I must be getting better!

Gustavo Dudamel

Nice Things:

1. Made my flight home! Was exhausted and feverish and crazed, but I somehow made it, and I had a relatively chill flight. I had an aisle seat, and there was a blank seat next to me, and then a middle-aged man by the window who smiled and said "Hello" pleasantly when I decided to sit in his row. I was awake through all but 5 minutes of the short flight (I usually try to nap to avoid my plane nausea), and it was fine.

2. Mom and dad were so joyous and happy. We had sinigang, beef steak, and nilaga for lunch, and it was so great.

3. Was finally able to play the piano-clarinet duet pieces that I had photocopied and mailed to mom months ago. Having practiced the pieces a bunch of times up in the East Bay, I was able to play decently with mom. Mom and I both thought my sound was great today.

4. Jet is back from his two weeks in the Philippines! He is still my brother, which means he still says weird things that irritate me or make me scratch my head (as I am certain he thinks I'm from Mars too), but it is nice that he is back safe and sound. Mom and dad were trying to needle him into sharing cool stories about his adventures but he didn't have too much to say ("Being secretive!" Dad said when bro had left the room). He did tell us about his eating adventures (after I prodded him to tell us his best eating experiences). He listed off the great food he ate at one particular place...and I just got so hungry thinking about it

Ischial Tuberosity

I've neglected my three positive things because I've been in the dumps lately. Which I shouldn't be doing since the exercise is supposed to help fend off the dumps. I should be doing it especially during the dumps. Ugh. Why are the things that are good for you always hard to do or yucky to taste? Anyway, I need to make myself do this.

1. Got to know my temporary therapist a bit more today. We had an interesting session to say the least. Stacey (that's her name) is so beautiful that it takes my breath away, and I am so damn distracted during our sessions. During therapy I am very open and vulnerable, and talk a mile a minute, and cry my eyes out, but when I am with her I am also thinking: "Day-um! She's gorgeous!" At one point it just spilled out, I told her I thought she was very beautiful, and asked her embarrassing questions about it. I mean, it was just an embarrassing situation all in all. It just spilled out, and she looked relieved. She spoke honestly about it...telling me she gets insecure too, has bad days too, gets hurt too, etc. I guess she could tell that I was in awe of her, and it was like this weird big elephant in the room. She isn't beautiful in a scratch-her-eyes-out-kinda-way. She isn't beautiful in a rrrowrrr kinda way (well...a little bit). She's beautiful in a gasp-wow, the air you breath must be cleaner than anything, and I bet your shit smells like roses and you've never farted in your life-beautiful. Very New England, East Coast, Town and Country magazine, regal and yet relaxed beautiful. I was horribly red and embarrassed as we spoke about it, at one point covering my face because it was just too weird that I was talking about it so frankly. But we were both being very honest and open to each other, and I apologized later for putting her on the spot, and she told me she was grateful that I was open with her, and stuff like that. She told me that with other clients she has to be the one to mention it...which means that she must intimidate other people as well. It was so weird because while I was very fortright with her, asking her questions about her beauty, she was sorta shy in her answers with me. She never outright said the words back, but her answers revealed she knew exactly what I was asking. She used euphemisms ("what we are talking about" or "this subject"). It is bizarre and weird how the subject of beauty is kinda taboo and embarrassing for people who are naturally beautiful. All this talk while I am sick as HELL, feverish, with leaky faucet for a nose, and a murderous headache. I could have canceled our appointment but the week had been going so roughly that I couldn't bear to cancel therapy. Anyway. Me, looking like a royal mess looking into goddess supreme's cool blue eyes...she looked back at me with the most compassionate and understanding eyes. And she told me that when my normal therapist's time with me is over (Jade will be back with me for the rest of December, and then she will be gone), she would like to be my permanent therapist in January. Which I accepted. I'm not sure if it's the best thing to have a therapist who looks like an absolute goddess. With Jade I'd not feel too weird about mentioning my attraction to women or anything (Because Jade is wonderfully normal-looking!). But with Stacey I get really shy and flustered and weird. Anyway, I told my mom about the weird beauty of my temporary therapist, and she said, "Now you know how other people feel when they see you..." which is sweet and obligatory and also annoying. Part of me wishes I had that power, and part of me is glad I'm a normal human being. People are suspicious of extraordinarily beautiful people. They suspect that they aren't really human, that everything is handed to them, that they never hurt. And it's a damn lie...as Stacey told me today (and I already know that logically, but sometimes my brain goes out for long walks). I would hate to be dehumanized and objectified more than I would enjoy the perks of being liked only for an exterior shell. La di da di da....

2. Had to cancel on a bunch of cool stuff I was going to do this weekend with friends. What's nice about this? Well, it's an investment on my health. So I am going to applaud myself for not further subjecting my health to the elements by going out clubbing or to a football game. And for not endangering my poor friends with my sick germs. Instead I am in my warm apartment having an "Ugly Betty"-fest with Caroline, bonding with my seester, and letting my immune system relax. Good times.

3. Someone beside me sneezed on the bus today, and I decided to ignore my scared-of-people-on-public-transportation-thing and cynical-attitude-about-scary-people-in-the-East-Bay, and found some tissue in my purse to hand to the sneezer. It turned out to be this cute 12-year-old-boy, who shyly took the tissue and wiped his nose after saying "Thanks." I immediately felt like a protective mother and had good feelings for the rest of the ride home.

Transverse Process

I need to make myself write the three positive things on the day, and not the day after. Somehow I think the exercise is supposed to force me to think positively when one is not feeling so hot, and not wait til I've had some time for bad feelings to go away.

1. Hung out at the nursing center yesterday. I had been practicing all morning some new pieces on my clarinet --and was feeling alright about it-- but when I sat down to play for everyone at the nursing home my hands shook and my head began to spin. I messed up a whole bunch in the beginning, getting confused about how many flats and sharps were in each piece, and just being downright rattled in general. The good news is I stuck it through, managed to get my bearings, and by the end had good ol' Jack and his beautiful wife totally rapt as I played their favorites. I would call out the name of each song and two things would happen: first Jack would say, "What?" and his wife would tell him, or she would hear the title and arc an eyebrow, looking pleased. The second thing that would happen is that the two Filipino male nurses (one of them about my parent's age) would speak in tagalog about my music choices...and thankfully it was all positive stuff. I would hear these two different groups say that I was playing all their favorites. "You are playing all the music we know!" Jack's wife said at one point. Which made me damn happy because I had purposefully sought out music of the 30s and 40s. Music for the seniors...music my grandparents would love.

2. I visited Victoria at her bedside (she is bedridden) and helped her during her lunch. She was trying to stab an entire meat patty and was having a hard time. So I cut it into pieces and helped position the fork in her shaky hands so she could eat easier. She told me "Not only are you very beautiful, but you also have a very big heart. I am not your family or your friend, who am I? I am a stranger to you! And yet you help me! God bless you!" She was saying this as I was leaning over her, trying to cut her grotesque lunch meat into small portions. It was a really nice thing for her to say, and I tried not to get emotional when she said it. Then I just sat with her as she told me about the time George Bush came down and sat with her and hung out. The first time I met her she told me it was Ronald Reagan. She had once been a nurse and taken care of Ronald Reagan when he was sick in the hospital. I totally believed her. So either she has confused George Bush with Ronald Reagan, or she is demented and says a lot of fantastic stories because her mind has taken off in different directions.

3. Always fun to watch "Dancing with the Stars" with sis.

Inferior Pubic Ramus

Doesn't that title just sound rude?

Three Cool THings About Yesterday:

1. Was able to keep my cool when the girls were being really disrespectful. Did not lose my temper or get emotional.

2. Was able to clean up the apartment in time for visit from D.

3. Offered to host Dennis on his first Kevin Smith experience, having him watch "Dogma." I personally think "Dogma" is one of KS's more ambitious and enjoyable films. Not sure if KS is Dennis' cup of tea though. Hard to tell until Dennis sees more conventional KS stuff like "Clerks" or (gag) "Mallrats." I think sis and I did a good job hosting D. The apartment is pretty rockin' right now, downright cozy and neat.

Anterior Nasal Aperture

Three Cool Things About Today:

1. Cleared up sink again (never-ending dishes). Always feel better when that sink isn't crazy.

2. Got sis to see "Planet B-Boy!" Yay!

3. Phone call with Didi! Yay! Happiness!

8 1/2 Women

Three Cool Things About Yesterday:

1. Made home-made tomato and oyster mushroom soup. It came out very tasty!

2. Washed a shit load of dishes. They had been sitting in the sink all week, slowly turning into skyscrapers of dishes, mugs, utensils, pots and pans. I formed them into neat piles and dove in, not coming up for air until I could see the bottom of the sink, and my hands were properly charred.

3. Got some nice compliments about my hair from the gals at the All-Staff meeting. One chick told me she would cut hers like mine too if she had "any balls." I like the message: I have balls. Big brass ones! At one point my boss came over and complimented me, and then the office butch hottie, Gina--who was behind me and listening in--was murmuring agreement when she suddenly ran some fingers quickly against the hair on the back of my head. We all called in for the meeting right when that happened, so I didn't get to enjoy that sensation for very long. I quickly regressed into school-girl state, rushing to my coworker to share the exciting news. I was very much tempted to ask for a scalp massage when I was at the hair salon the other day. Such a marvelous sensation.

It's the "feel-strange" family movie of the season!

I hacked my hair off! It feels so liberating! I can't stop running my hands through my hair and staring at myself every time I pass by the mirror. I am wearing a bandana to keep the hair around my face from touching my face too much, so the previous body and lift that it used to have has flattened out.

I called on Mr. Bore, the dude I was sorta seeing, to check on him. He has recently been fired from his job, and is understandably freaked out. I was trying to be empathetic by calling. He was kinda brusque and cold on the phone. He did seem pissed when I told him I cut my hair. It must be the job thing. Anyway, I feel I did my duty with that situation, and have no more obligations with that dude. We were both invited to a party tomorrow, and I am tempted not to go just to avoid seeing him. I consistently got a bad after-taste every time we hung out, and every time I hear him speak. It's truly a good thing that that lame whatchamacallit is over! The slate is clean, and I feel safe and pure.

Tres Leches:
1. Pleased with haircut! I showed the stylist the two looks I was going for (one was my usual favorite--the short bob, and the other one was "safe"and not too freaky--a medium length cut with layers). I told her I could not decide, and she chose for me. She insisted I get the shorter cut, but then she managed to combine both looks in one. Amazing. Some of these hair stylists are magicians!

2. Did not eat too much crap. Feel at peace with my meals for today.

3. Tidied up my room! Hooray! I can see the floor!

y mas...

4. Feeling great that I managed to make peace with Dennis. I could tell he has been harboring weird feelings and stuff, and by making myself swallow my pride and be a little nice, I made his day the other day. It's funny how much easier it is to be nice to certain people, but it's so hard to be nice to others.

5. I did a few exercises around the apartment. Basically, 5 push ups, and some side exercises. And a few minutes of crazed dancing when I put on some hip hop a few hours ago. Always feel better about myself if I can sneak in some push ups and/or crunches in my life routine. Having fantasies of having more defined arms...

6. Sis approved of my hair! Almost forgot about that. Big deal for me. It gave me such a large feeling of relief to know she liked it. Yay!

La Noche Buena

(Happiness Enhancement Exercise)

1. The diversity and equity training was great! Got lots of cool tools.
2. The seats of my boss' car heat up. It was an icy morning, and sitting in that car on the long drive to the training was wonderful, My tush was so toasty and pleased.
3. Toni, the girl I tutor, lovvved the cool erasers I got her. I gave her two: one was a set of "dessert-looking" erasers, and the other was one of those erasers that has a wheelie-thing that collects eraser shavings. She had never seen an eraser with the wheelie thing before, and lovved it so much. Erasing things became a big production.
4. Pho for dinner = Yay!

Three Positive Things About Yesterday

1. The kids really liked Catchphrase.
2. My temp. therapist was gorgeous and really nice!
3. Dinner out. Yay!

Let Me Find Out

Breakfast:
1.5 cups of rice
9 oz. fried spam
6 oz. garlic sausage
1 large salad (Finally. Jeez!)

Lunch:
1 cup of rice
9 oz. bangus

Dinner:
1 large salad
2 cups of rice
12 oz. chicken adobo
1 cup green grapes

5 pathetic push ups
8 crunches
30 side exercises

So for some reason everything today made me feel like crap. And every time I see my face in the mirror I see betrayal. Today, as I was washing off the day's makeup I found more betrayals: stupid zits coming out of nowhere. I felt so pissed because it's not like I've been gauging my face or anything. In fact, I've been good with keeping the hands away, and washing up at night and all that. Lately it seems like the eyes on my face are spaced incorrectly, my skin has the consistency of a bullfrog, and my hair is threatening to strangle me because it gets caught everywhere since it is freakishly long (time for a little snip). It was, as my bro would call it, my sudden "crater face" that gave me my "Eureka!" moment, and I dashed to my pills, took a look, and realized I was on my PMS week. Figures!

International House of Pancakes

Brunch:
3 harvest grain pancakes, buttered and with syrup
generous bite of bacon and egg cheeseburger
12 oz. orange juice

Dinner:
1 bowl miso soup
1 cup of rice
9 oz. unagi
1 shrimp tempura
1 brocolli tempura
1 yam tempura

2 cups green tea

I run between what I remember, and what is forgotten.

http://www.thedocumentaryblog.com/index.php/2008/04/21/hot-docs-review-betrayal-nerakhoon/

There are several movies I am anticipating, but I am especially interested in "The Betrayal." The above review sangs it's praises, and I am haunted by the images and sounds from the trailer. Something about anyone from Southeast Asia. At random moments, I might see a Southeast Asian face and my heart will ache, and I feel as if there is a string tied to a part of my heart that is connected to theirs. Other times I might see such a face and feel alienation and pain because it reminds me of my own Otherness, if I am having a particularly internalized racist moment. Anyway. That review pretty much gives the whole story away. I wonder if my desire to see it is an act of masochism, considering that I am pretty sure it will hurt too much to watch, that I will cry buckets, and be completely devastated. But it might be cathartic to vomit out those emotions, especially since this is a documentary, and this was/is real. I think, as I get older, I can tolerate watching emotionally devastating movies a lot more than when I was younger.

Milagro

"We have never been a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America."
-Barack Obama


A Canadian friend posted "Yes We Can! Yes We Did!" on his facebook. I love that so much of the rest of the world is as overjoyed as we are by Obama's win.

Rain, rain, go away

The rain is pissing me off. And the girls at work.

Halloween

The whole weekend was a sugar and starch-fest. It kept me in a very relaxed and sloth-like state.


Weather:
*Very gloomy and soggy weather. A very rainy weekend.

Outside:
*cold and miserable

Inside Apartment:
* Warm and cozy! And decorated with my cheerful cobwebs and smiling pumpkin.





Food:
* Pasta alle Cinque Pi
* make-your-own-pepperoni-pizzas
* artichoke, spinach, and cheese appetizer thingies








Sweets! :
* rice crispies treat pumpkin

* lime jello with gummy worms
* big tin of candy bars

Beverages:
* mango juice & grape juice
* strawberry margaritas

Films:
* The Happening
* 28 Days Later
* The Invasion
* Carrie
* The Exorcism of Emily Rose


I did not think we were seriously going to get through all the movies but we did. I found myself liking them all in different ways. It was great to have Michelle with us (yay!).

I Did It!

I deleted my fucking ex from myspace. I feel like I've severed an artery, but it had to be done. I'm sick and tired of crying about Ballykissangel, and projecting all my inner psychic turmoil and agonies onto the ill-fated romance of that show, and letting a fictional show devastate me this deeply. I was crying to my mom about it (twice) and she was surprisingly kind and compassionate. She used a lot of euphemisms when I asked her if she thought I was weird, and told me a lot of kind things. I can't care about a fictional romance, or even that real romances don't always last. I just can't care. I am in awe of people who go through relationships like water. Do they just never give their hearts away, or do they manage a bullet-proof, emotional-protective shell tightly wound around their hearts by their 6th relationship? Anyway. I'd been thinking of deleting my ex for months, but it has always been too hard. Now I feel like drinking myself under the table. Something violent and destructive and insane. I would love to jump out of a plane right now, bungee jump from the sky during a lightning storm. Or go to the top of a mountaintop and just scream and scream and scream. My contacts are pissed at me for all my crying. All the salt from the tears has managed to form a weird haze over my vision, and it's as if even my eyesight is in mourning as well. The two contacts I use and rotate give me blurry vision. I guess I need to get a new pair of contacts and wear glasses for now.

Ballykissangel

Breakfast: 1 bowl Special K fruit & yogurt cereal with milk

Lunch: really big salad: leafy greens, some corn, pieces of turkey, cherry tomatoes, shredded carrots, parmesan cheese, and caesar dressing

One 4 oz. piece of bbq brisket.

1 bottle of water

Snack: 1 cup of sweetened corn, 1 SlimFast chocolate meal bar, water

Dinner: medium amount of spinach, 4 oz. marinara pasta
1 slice of coconut bread
medium slice chocolate cake
water

Johnny Mnemonic

8:30am Breakfast: 1 bowl Special K fruit & yogurt cereal with milk

10:45 am Snack: 2 glazed donut holes (1 is cinnamon and the other is pumpkin flavored)

12:15 pm Lunch: 13 oz. salad: spring mix, a few pieces of turkey, 1 boiled egg, a couple pieces of red and green bell peppers, sprinkling of corn and parmesan cheese, and balsamic vinaigrette

Snack: gum

4:24 pm Slimfast chocolate bar (Supposed to stop hunger for 4 hours. It soooo doesn't work)

Dinner: 10 oz. seafood marinara pasta with spinach, 2 large pieces of pineapple, 1/2 of banana cream pie slice, water

Purr-fect President

There was an article about the New York Cat Show, and I saw some pictures of the two felines fighting for the title of "Purr-fect President."

There's Obama (I love the expression on his face! Full of hope! Ready for change!)

And then there's McCain!
As much as I love Obama--in both human form and in feline form, I can't deny that the McCain cat is damn cute. The moment I laid eyes on that furry mug I thought: "McCain!" and "Awwww!" I can just imagine this cat meowing about what a maverick he is.

Point Break

Tuesday

Breakfast:
3 buttered lego eggo waffles with syrup (as much as I love Lego waffles, ultimately, they're not worth it. They are so light and airy, that it's like eating air. No feeling of substance. The lack of real satisfaction, plus all the fat and sugar...just not worth it.They'd be perfect if there was a waffle-eating contest. Then you could stuff a bunch in your mouth at a time.)

Lunch:
Slimfast

Dinner:
2 piece meal from KFC: leg & thigh original, rice & gravy hybrid (I didn't know they sold rice!), one small corn, and water

Say Hi to Your Mother For Me

My coworker invited me to hang out with her and her dad after work today. He turned out to be charming as hell. A bit flirtatious too. My coworker's father did leave her mom for a younger woman. I could see how it happened. This guy is always on the prowl. When he spoke to me, he did not relate to me in a paternal, indifferent, mildly friendly way. Instead he spoke to me as if we were peers, as if he was dying to know all about me. Anyway, he kept getting calls and disappearing, and that was when she filled me in on some more juicy stuff about her life. Her wealthy affluent father never supported her or her siblings, and there were days when they starved. She had a lot of anger towards him growing up, but was able to get over it when she had her son. She wanted her son to know his grandpa. So things are a little better. Anyway, every time I hang out with this chick we have these heavy and delightful conversations. She is always having some sort of catastrophic breakdown/ life change, but it's not like a simple car accident. Her problems are beautifully horrific and erotic and violent and passionate, all of it based on some sort of juicy moral dilemma. She is so unafraid to reveal the messiness of her life, so humble and hard-working and yet she is always so unfailingly nice and classy. Every time she shares her problems it always takes my breath away. And here I thought my problems were something! Hers are so epic and humongous, they are brave, courageous, frightening, and beautiful and human.

It kinda gives me the creeps that I find her so likable. She told me that she used to be a pathological liar. *shivers*

At the Villa of Reduced Circumstances

5:30 am 1 bowl of Special K fruit & yogurt cereal with milk

lunch:
24 oz. seafood marinara pasta with parmesan

snack:
2 micro candy bars
2 slices of coconut bread

dinner:
buttered paratha
1 vegetable samosa

Twilight Cheese

So the third trailer for "Twilight" is now out. I wonder if anyone making this film stopped and considered the cheese factor of it all. The book was enjoyable to read, but it's cheese factor was tolerable because it was hidden in a book. No one around you would suspect you were reading so much cheese. But someone decided to turn this into a film--and now the cheese-ness has grown exponentially. First it was just a cheesy idea in Stephanie Meyer's head, and now it's been acted out by actors who seem just as cheesed out by the film itself (Both Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart look sheepish and embarrassed when they do publicity for the film, and equally bewildered and surprised by all the hype). When I saw that a third trailer was out, part of me held on to hope that it would be less cheesy than the others, but it got even cheesier! I feel embarrassed by it all, and yet I'll be first in line November 21st. Even it's a cheesy film, I hope it somehow captures the addictive and guilty pleasure experienced from reading the first book. At least I like Robert and Kristen.

Mars, Bringer of War

So I have a lump in my right armpit. I had tried ignoring it for a week, and then applying a hot compress (after reading all sorts of articles about lumps in pits), and it has only gotten bigger and more unpleasant. For the past couple of nights I wake up and feel my right arm cramping--as if I've been pitching a ball towards someone at bat with my right arm for hours on end during the night. That this stupid lump is affecting my entire right arm--with my right hand feeling like there is not enough blood getting to it--it freaks me out. I called the medical people, and I have an appointment to get it seen in a month. Or I wake up early and call tomorrow, and it's all a lottery whether they can see me or not. It's probably my lymph nodes. Or a cyst that has formed from an ingrown hair. Sis says I should probably invest in Nads, or some other waxing stuff because Me + Shaving + Lazy Shaving Techniques = lovely lady lumps. I feel freakish with my lump--as if I have three nipples or a third eye, or fluorescent yellow skin. I feel self-conscious about exposing my right armpit when I stretch or hold my arm out in public if I wear a tanktop. The weather has been so warm that wearing anything else feels bizarre. Maybe I should paint the lump bright red, because then it becomes a bit exciting if anyone sees it. But that probably would look obscene.

I cooked for...what felt like 7 hours, when it was only 3. I made about 7 lbs. of pork and chicken adobo. I was struggling to keep the kitchen clean and the sink empty of soiled things, but it's hard when you are cooking something that is damn labor intensive, and sauce is always bubbling everywhere. Chopping destroyed my already bloodless right hand, and handling raw meat and meat bones always gives my hands millions of miniscule incisions that sting when I soak the meat in marinade. Then there is browning the meat in the wok, then having it stew in it's sauce on the stove. We had Brian join us for dinner, and he and sis said a lot of nice things about how it turned out. *phew* When the food was finally cooked, I felt such an intense wave of exhaustion pass through my body. I wonder how real chefs do this all the time.

I listened to Ricky Gervais' podcast as I cooked. It's very funny, although I found Ricky a bit harsh in his attacks on Karl Pilkington--who has become inadvertedly the star of the show. Karl is an absolute genius. All his ideas are a lovely blend of mundane, bizarre, illogical, and profound. Stephen Merchant was also on--I could listen to his lovely stories all day. He is quite the storyteller. Comedians are the best. They point out their own flaws before you can, attack themselves mercilessly, and affectively make their strange aspects endearing. At least that is how it is with Stephen with his freakish height (6'7"), beanpole figure, and "bulbous eyes" (as he has described himself). Stephen's character of Darren Lamb in "Extras" is one of my favorites in the show. He exploits his own physicality until he is the funniest-looking creature you've ever seen. The thing is, when you see this guy in interviews he's actually a dapper fellow. How beautiful to be so unafraid of one's flaws as to exploit them, and laugh first...

Stephen Merchant!

Breakfast:
1 bowl Special K fruit & yogurt cereal

Lunch:
large salad with balsamic vinaigrette

medium amount of meat lasagna

1 Yoplait strawberry cheesecake yogurt

Dinner:
1 polish hot dog with mayo, mustard, & relish

1 stick of gum

Ooh! Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying

Breakfast:
1 bowl Special K Fruit & Yogurt cereal with milk

I forgot what came after. Um...a bunch of food.

Forgetting Freddy Krueger

Breakfast:
2 bowls of Special K fruit & yogurt cereal with 2 cups of milk

I feel better when I stick to one bowl, but my coworker bailed out on me today, and so I have extra stress. My evil boss is coming in her place. I hope that the girls are well-behaved today.

My ex's bday is round the corner, and already I feel overcome with grief. I want to be a nice person, and be happy for the good times, but I think this Saturday is going to be my national day of mourning.

Snack:
2 oreos

Dunch:
nicely sized salad with balsamic vinaigrette
3 pieces of luscious pineapple
...waiting on the entree (cooking it)

two sizable portions of meat lasagna
1/2 cup Mango Soy ice cream

Only in Dreams

This pic reminds me of the first pet that ever entered our household. My brother was pretty neglectful (it was his pet), and in the end, our poor hamster had a ghastly death. It's always haunted me, and I always felt it affected my karma. I hope I meet our old hamster in heaven someday, and that he (or she? I forgot the gender) will shake my hand and forgive me for my part in failing to keep him alive or happy. Maybe we'll even be friends. That would be the best.

Watching hamsters eat is both delightful and frightening. It always appears that they are choking because they fearlessly chomp on food twice the size of their head. But their gusto is so exciting and bizarre.

Bibimbap

Breakfast:
2 cups buttered asparagus
1.5 cups of rice
2 oz. spiced anchovies
water

Lunch:
cheeseburger from "Amanda's Feel Good Fresh Food"- an eatery in Berkeley (Meaning, it tastes healthy, has whole wheat bun, a relatively smallish meat patty, and lots of lettuce. All of the food there is guilt-less)
tea (no sugar)

1.5 micro chocolate chip cookie (From AFGFF, which explains the miniscule portioning for dessert. But the cookie was reeeally delicious)

My stomach was satiated, especially after I drank up all my tea, but it was hard ignoring my mouth hunger. I wanted to keep munching--a sensation that I usually wrongly translate as still being hungry. I let time pass and felt that mouth craving slowly going away. Thank God!

Dinner:
medium salad with balsamic vinaigrette

1.75 cup of mushroom and garlic soup

slice of toast

water

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

Breakfast:
2 bowls of cereal Healthy Heart Maple Brown Sugar with milk

Lunch:
1 cappuccino slimfast

Dinner:
medium salad with balsamic vinaigrette

1 cup rice
8 oz. salmon marinated in vodka, and seasoned with peanut sauce (the vodka taste not present, so it didn't taste like ass)

water

The First Debate

Haha! Found this at Racialicious...

I WANNA SEE THIS.

I really wanna see Equus. I reeeeeeeeeeally NEED to see this. Anyone up for a quick flight to New York for a show on Broadway?

The Year of the Bros

This is the Year of the Bros. For some reason I have spent so much of this year thinking about how much I love my brothers. A lot. It's not like I ever hear from them or get attention from them. It's not like they pushed me out of a speeding bus and saved my life. And sis and I will swallow a lot of shit in life before we realize we are backed into a corner and it'll suddenly occur to one of us to call one of them. And those rare times that we reach out to them they always follow through. I am just happy that they exist, that they are my brothers, that I got to experience some of my life with them, that we are always connected if only by blood. That, in their own way, they care about us and want us to be alright. And they relate to us because we all struggled together as brothers and sisters, and are extremely protective of each other, and triumph and suffer together. I love that I can know, without any doubt, that they are out there, with their bizarre and beautiful versions of American masculinity, and that they are rooting for their baby sisters in their quiet way.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

(Homage to the Lotus sutra)

I did an hour of cardio today! Yay me! Every step was painful because I haven't exercised in a while. I kept staring at the clock pathetically. My muscles are sore, and I really had to pump my arms to keep going towards the end because there was just no more energy left. I was covered in this thin layer of sweat that was both hot and cold at the same time. Gross.

Bits and Pieces

Lindsay has finally verbally outted herself. Hooray! I know I have probably desecrated my blog by posting this picture, but I do think they're hot. Well, Samantha Ronson, anyway. Me and my lame attraction to Mission district cookie-cutter lesbians. LiLo's lame Disney-skank-meter went low as soon as I found out she was all over Ronson. I just want them to make a video, and send it to me. So hot. Speaking of hot, LiLo's boobies are amazing in this picture. *hands over barf bag* I can't stop staring!

Manha De Carnaval

I am practicing for the residents at the nursing center, and my right hand is exhausted, and my mouth is sore from playing my clarinet. It's funny how right when my body is falling into intense fatigue that my heart is aligned with the music, and the music sounds great. I feel like playing at the lobby of a smoky bar of a seedy motel, where lovers meet for quick trysts at obscure hours of the night. And I want an old timer to hum along with the music with tears in his eyes, and then turning to me after and saying, "Play it again, babe."

You know how to whistle, don't you?

You just put your lips together--and blow.


Breakfast:
one bowl of Healthy Heart Maple Brown Sugar cereal with milk

Lunch:
Healthy Choice: Cafe Steamers- Chicken Margherita
water

2 scoops of Rocky Road ice cream

By the Great Hornspoon!

We had a staff meeting at the junior high where I work. The school had hired this man from the Youth Development Peer Network to talk about behavior guidance intervention. We spoke about disrespectful behavior, and I felt relieved to hear that other, more seasoned teachers still felt as flustered as I do with kids who "act out." Mr.P, the dude who spoke, told us about certain behavior assumptions to consider:

Behavior Assumptions

1. People are social beings, with a need to belong.

2. People are understood by how they see themselves in a situation, and are sometimes reinforced by how others see them in a situation.

3. People are decision-makers.

4. Behavior is purposeful.

5. Behavior is part of a whole, part of a pattern.

6. Behavior is directed at one of these goals:

a. attention
b. power and control
c. revenge and retribution
d. withdrawal from people and challenges

We were all thinking about the problem children in our classes as we were discussing this, but I couldn't help but think about how this relates to adults as well. Obviously. Behavior = human race. I mean, the material is something I think most people instinctively know, and yet when thought through, is pretty intense. Mr. P stressed the importance of taking a step back when a student behaves outrageously, and gets us riled up. Being able to separate one's gut reaction and instead respond constructively is the goal. Well, tomorrow is another opportunity! I also have another training session this weekend. I am hoping all of these experiences will help me learn how to deal with the attitude and the button-pushing.

Monkey Pulls the Turnip

Brunch:
large salad: leafy greens, raisins, balsamic vinaigrette
1 large square of dried seaweed
1 bowl Special K fruit & yogurt cereal with milk

Dinner:
3 slices of pepperoni & garlic DiGiorno
2 glasses of grape cranberry juice
1 cup peach ice cream!

Tom's Midnight Garden

Breakfast:
blueberry bagel with honey nut cream cheese

Dinner:
12 oz. almond chicken
2 cups fried rice with chicken, beef, and shrimp
4 oz. tiramisu
1 fortune cookie

candy: strawberry belts & sour watermelons

In anticipation for my gluttonous dinner out with a friend, I didn't have lunch at all. Usually this leaves me exhausted and pissed, but not this time. I think I was looking forward to the meal too much. My friend had suggested Cheesecake, and as soon as I heard that every part of me tingled in excitement. But we ended up at P.F. Changs. Which is good. But their desserts are pretty lame compared to cheesecake. The tiramisu tasted mediocre. Still, I really enjoyed dinner a lot. We caught a film after, and indulged in candy as well. After having gone on two dates where the food was delicious, but everything tasted like sand because my company was...sand-like...it is good to be with a friend and feel comfortable to eat yummy things and enjoy them.

Jacuzzi Club

Breakfast:
bowl of Special K fruit & yogurt cereal with milk

Lunch:
large gross salad (the leafy greens tasted metallic) with strawberries and pecans
1 cup rice, 9 oz. porkchop, some spinach and green papaya

Snack:
hopia

Dinner:
I had a slimfast before heading to my second shift today. It is sitting in my stomach in a very unpleasant manner, and I long to eat pasta. Pasta with a yummy sauce. Pasta alle cinque pi? Yes. I think I will cook that soon. I've been cooking too much lately (porkchops, chicken tinola, that Emeril spicy New Orleans chicken recipe), but it seems I can't stop. All I want to do is plan the next meal. We do have a Healthy Choice lasagna microwavable meal winking at me in the freezer. Technically it's wrong. I can't have that after my lame "dinner" of Slimfast! But I want it. That Slimfast was just lammmmme.

Dia Duit

"Hello" in Irish Gaelic. From hearing it, it's pronounced "Jee-ah ditch."

"Slán go fóill" is "Bye for now." Pronounced "Slawn goh foal."

I started cooking that New Orleans dish I cooked last week at midnight. Which might explain my sense of exhaustion and upside-down feeling today. I cooked for several hours (kind of a labor intensive recipe), and was really into it. But towards the end I felt my energy just evaporate, and I fell into bed smelling of spices, and exhausted. Then my alarm blared loudly. I had set it at 6am because I wanted to wake sis up for her work. So, with my head swimming in gasoline and cotton, I leapt out of bed and woke sis up. Of course, with all that effort the BART train had to have major hour-long delays, and sis was late anyway. Dammit.

I think I snacked around 1 or 2 am. I can't remember what.

Breakfast:
1 chicken thigh with mushrooms in rich sauce (spicy!)
1.5 cup rice
3 currant cookies
1.5 cup milk with mudslide mixed in (I was hoping the dairy would erase the metallic-like spice of the chicken, but it made it worse!)

Sis said the recipe was a success, but when I ate it for breakfast it tasted so odd. I hope it's just that fact that I cooked it.

5 lame push ups
10 situps

Dinner:
8 oz. chicken with mushrooms
1 cup rice

brownies!

water

I am groggy and sleepy as hell, but I must not sleep. Gots to prepare for my second day of work tomorrow. I don't want to. I am scared out of my ass.

Being your Daughter is not for the Weak of Heart

Mom is playing mindgames right now. Not cool.

Breakfast:
bowl of Special K Fruit & Yogurt cereal and milk

Lunch:
large salad consisting of leafy greens, pecans, raisins, and balsamic vinaigrette
6 oz. porkchops, 3/4 cup rice
1 chocolate rice cake

Dinner:
1 cup rice
medium-sized amount of chicken tinola: 7 oz. chicken, 3/4 cup chicken soup, green papaya, and bunch of spinach

Oh, timing is of the essence when you're living in the supernow

Breakfast:
3/4 cup rice
1 fried egg
2.5 pieces of bacon
3 or 4 smokies

hopia

hot cocoa

Not being healthy lately. Need to get back up on that pogo stick.

Lunch:
1 cup rice
chicken tinola: 1 medium sized chicken thigh, 4 oz. green papaya, some spinach, chicken soup

Dinner:
1.3 cups rice
6 oz. pork chop
1.5 cup Soy Mango icecream

I am so full. Still, as I look at this blog, I feel a lil sense of peace in one observation: my rice portions have not been atrocious. It's always about 1 cup or a lil more. Gone are my fun childhood days of 3 or 4 cups of rice. Those were fun days. Days of glory and sunshine, and eating 5 McDonald's cheeseburgers at a time (when I was 10 years-old, and ravenous all the time). My veggie intake is low. Need to work on that. And workouts! The most I managed last week was just one 20 minute cardio-fest. Lame. Need to fix that.

Back Wheel of Your Bicycle

"I wanted the world to make sense so we'd all be happy instead of tense, so I made up lies that fit real nice and made this sad world paradise. Nice, very nice. Such different people in the same device."

-from the Wind Up Dolls segment of YDRS*. The original idea of this quote came from Kurt Vonnegut from "Cats Cradle:"

Oh, a sleeping drunkard
Up in Central Park,
And a lion-hunter
In the jungle dark,
And a Chinese dentist,
And a British queen -
All fit together
In the same machine.
Nice, nice, very nice;
Nice, nice, very nice;
Nice, nice, very nice -
So many different people
In the same device.

I guess you can read into the message of these things whatever you want. But to me, it's about religion. Or control. Hah! Same thing.

*The Yard Dogs Road Show put on a great show yesterday. I really loved it. It was magical. The fashion made me swoon, and the music was great. And who can resist burlesque, sword-swallowers, and men wearing eye makeup? Thanks, sis, for telling me we couldn't miss this.

Republicans,

stop calling Obama elitist

Because the real reason you don't like him is that he's smarter than you.

- Bill Maher

Barracuda

Breakfast:
hopia

Lunch:
Slimfast
1/2 of tasteless soft & yucky peach
1 chocolate chip cookie

It's boiling hot. I have been doing errands all day, walking around in shorts and braving the lecherous stares and obscene groans of random men (the ones who lust after anyone obviously female). I was buying groceries when one of the staff of Lucky's saw me and groaned really loudly. So much for professionalism!

I have a date tonight. This guy has been calling me every night for the past couple of days. These phone calls have revealed that we have nothing in common, but we are too polite to say so. Maybe I will say so tonight. Maybe not. Maybe it will be fun. Maybe it will suck royal ass. He asked me if I wanted to go to a bar after or go dancing. It sounds like he is making this an event. Eek

"The French have said au revoir to the franc, the Germans have said auf wiedersehen to the mark, and the Portuguese have said... whatever to their thing."

-"Millions"

My hand doing an impression of "The Borg"

Be afraid. Resistance is futile.

My Darling Villain

Breakfast:
1 cup Special K fruit & yogurt cereal w/milk

Lunch:
4 steamed okra drizzled in this crazy good sauce (recipe from Emeril...he calls it a new New Orleans recipe so it's SPICY)
5 lil smokies
tons of water

Sis made lunch. And it was so good!

Dinner (?):
1 cup rice
1 cup ampalaya with tiny shrimp and egg
4 fried lil smokies
water

Dessert:
1/2 hazelnut chocolate cookie

20 minutes cardio, but I think it only worked my lower half. All the treadmills were occupied, and there was a line. So I got on this weird machine that only works the lower half, and makes you feel like you are see-sawing on a boat, and always on the verge of falling. The most annoying workout machine!

Watching the Detectives

Breakfast:
1 cup Special K fruit & yogurt cereal w/milk

Lunch:
medium salad: leafy greens & balsamic vinaigrette
1 cup rice
1 cup ampalaya with egg and tiny shrimp
~3 strips bacon crumbled on top

sip Berry Fulfilling

Snack During Movie:
1/2 chocolate chip cookie
1/2 snickerdoodle

Dinner:
3 or 4 pieces grilled asparagus in crazy butter sauce
3/4 cup rice with yummy coconut lime sauce
1 skewer with three shrimp, 1 piece of onion, 2 peppers, and 2 tomato pieces
1 dulce de leche cupcake

Óró Sé Beatha 'Bhaile

Breakfast:
4 strips of bacon and 1 fried egg
1.5 cup of rice

Lunch:
8 oz. tuna casserole
6 oz. passion fruit yogurt

Snack:
3 puto bumbongs

Dinner:
1/2 cup ampalaya with tiny shrimp, egg, and tomatoes
3/4 cup rice
6 oz. pork humba

Noli Me Tangere

Breakfast:
1 cup Special K fruit & yogurt cereal and milk

Lunch:
1/2 yummy chocolate cream cheese brownie
1 Filipino pastry with coconut and brown sugar a.k.a. "puto bumbong"
1/2 mongo hopia (another Filipino pastry)
large salad (leafy greens with balsamic vinaigrette and pecans)

Dinner:
1.5 cup rice
1 smallish braised chicken thigh with button mushrooms and rich gravy
water

Baby cried the day the circus came to town...

Breakfast:
1.5 fried omelette w/ a small amount of cherry tomatoes, and a scattering of bacon
2 strawberries
tons of water

I have started drinking a ton of water since yesterday. The miserable heat has inspired me to do so. And it does make me feel more full. Of course, cravings for large amounts of sugary, buttery carbs never go away. I am on my period, so I might give-in soon....

Snack:
chocolate rice cake
caramel rice cake

Lunch:
large salad
12 oz. shrimp in rich crab sauce with peas
1 cup rice
small salad
fortune cookie
brownie

Snack:
13 fries?

Dinner:
12 edamame
1/8 of a bacon cheeseburger
5 oz. stir fry veggies
bite of pork chop
1 icecream sandwhich
lots of white wine

In the history of all bad ideas...........
Today I gave my number to someone who asked for it with romantic intentions. It felt like the most abnormal thing to do. But he had been sweet and nice, and strangely enchanted by me all evening. Maybe it was the wine. The food was not substantial, and I was slightly drunk for several hours. If there is a God, I feel like s/he is looking down at me and pointing and laughing. In movies and even some books, romance is so cute and natural and lovely. But in reality it's really weird and abnormal and awkward. But I guess this isn't romance. This is...an enema. An enema administered with affection. At least it feels like it right now. Part of me is horrified by my decision to give him my number. A lil bit of me is thrilled. If he never calls me I will feel relief and also a lil disappointment. But if he does call me, I'll probably puke or something. After coming from a long term relationship, going into all this is so weird and strange.

Michael Collins

Breakfast:
1.5 cup chicken noodle soup

Lunch:
1.5 cups beef flavored rice-a-roni
1 cosmic bomb

Snack:
1 sliver of cantaloupe

Dinner:
Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers:
grilled chicken, roasted red pepper alfredo sauce with linguini pasta and broccoli florets (260 calories)
tons of water

5 push ups

Pádraic Delaney

Breakfast:
1 speckled banana
1 blueberry bagel smothered in honey nut cream cheese on one side, and butter on another
water

Lunch:
1 cup stir fry brocolli
1/4 lb. Hebrew National Frank
2 chocolate rice cakes
water

Snack:
30+ cheezits (so BAD)
1 mini crunch chocolate

Dinner:
4 (or 3) Gourmet veggie pizza slices
large rootbeer
3 or 4 chocolate truffles

So I haven't been healthy. At all. Haven't worked out in ages. It's been tough.

Martes

Breakfast:
speckled banana
mini bagel with honey nut cream cheese
3/4 cup brown rice & 8 oz. pork humba with sauce
2 chocolate rice cakes

Lunch:
1 cup broccoli and carrot stir fry
3/4 cup brown rice
8 oz. pork humba
1 chocolate rice cake

Snack:
1 5.5 oz. V8
2 small pork carnitas tacos
water

1 piece white chocolate

Lough Leane, County Kerry, Ireland

I want to go here.

Why do hot dog buns smell like feet?

Breakfast:
1 cup Special K fruit & yogurt cereal with milk

Lunch:

large salad: leafy greens, pecans, raisins, and balsamic vinaigrette

1 cup wonton soup with chicken, pork, shrimp

30+ cheesy chips

2 chocolate chip cookies and 1/2 cup milk

Dinner:

12 oz. pad see ew (spelling?)

1 cup ginataan

Supper (or Dinner 2):

1/4 lb. Hebrew National Frank in bun with ketchup and mustard

2 strawberries

3/4 of a cupcake

Yusuke Iseya and Me, Kissing in a Tree....

I will probably get my period in 4 days. So that explains my increase in hormones and overall goofiness. So after a brief visit today from my aunt, uncle, and cousins (Yay!!), my mom's trip has ended. We had such a great time that I am overwhelmed and surprised. We spent most of the time laughing and sharing stories.

Favorite Memories:

- Making mom watch "North and South." Even though mom didn't overtly drool like sis and I, by the end of the 4-part BBC miniseries, she was giggling as much as we were over Richard Armitage.

- Exposing mom to "Coffee Break Spanish." She laughed at the cuteness when Mark (from the show) started teaching Spanish songs, and soon we were both singing along with him. I made her listen to some episodes while I cooked some meals, and she really got into it!

- Mom really loved our slow and relaxed walk up Solano Avenue. We discovered this amazing antique shop, this small Asian market with nicely priced items, and even an "upscale bakery" (as mom put it) mom approved of.

I talk a lot of smack about my mother, and now that she is gone I am ready to bawl my eyes out. I did it too, for a second, and then got that out of my system. Mom and I have been going through similar doldrums, and it is a wonderful surprise that we have managed to be each other's sunshine this week. She was very generous and loving and fussy, the way moms are. When I read her a story from the creative writing class I took, her eyes got big as saucers, and she asked me who wrote the story. She said, "Which part was yours?" because she thought it was a story written collaboratively by the entire class. When I told her I wrote it all she swore that I had talent, and should be published. Aah, the wonderful and kind bias of a mother! That was exactly the response I wanted. I wanted to impress her and get positive feedback, and she gave it to me.

I spent the entire time holding my breath, waiting for the random spurts of fighting that usually occurs. The nagging, the lectures, the words that break backs, that rips hearts. But it seems there was little need for it. Towards the end she started taking over my kitchen, and then my temper started to flare up. I managed to keep it under control and almost suddenly, she is gone. So just when we were starting to get on each other's nerves, it was time to part. So...good timing. I miss her already!

Look at this Sexy Creature!

Wow, what a hottie! He's so beautiful! *droooooooooooool*

When my Baby Smiles at Me I Go to Rio

So my mom is here. From Tuesday til Saturday. Of course, now that she is here I am too discombobulated to write out my meals. My sense of time has disappeared. I am so confused. I didn't even show for an appointment because I thought tomorrow would be Wednesday. Of course, it is not. It is now Thursday, goddammit! My former job has called me as well. It looks like they want me back. Half of me is excited, and half of me is quaking in fear. This time around they want me to deal with middle school. Joy. I am probably going to be tutoring algebra. I loved algebra. But that was...geez, during 1997-2000. It's been a while. I've had life happen to me. There has been no room in my life for algebra. I need to relearn it. It is 5:26 am, and I keep looking up the school I have been assigned to. At a website I found, parents graded this school 5/10. Yikes. I researched the ethnic makeup, and it looks like this school have a sizable Asian population. So maybe no more weird looks from teachers and parents. At least the school's website is cheerful enough. I look at the pictures of the children's faces, and try to whip out any maternal or romantic feelings about preteens and teenagers. The children's faces are so much older than the young 'uns I am used to. You can see their intelligence bubbling under the surface, their personalities, their violently pumping hearts. I am scared out of my ass!

The Wind that Shakes the Barley

Breakfast:
1 cup Special K fruit & yogurt cereal & milk hybrid

Lunch:
large salad: leafy greens, pecans, raisins, balsamic vinaigrette

5 edamame

10 oz. leftover Japanese food dish: yam, shrimp, ground beef, veggie, egg hybrid

1 peach

5 push ups (This time around, after asking Brian to spot me and hearing his advice, I decided to do these with my nose touching the carpet as much as possible. It has made the task even harder. I am glad I started doing these the "cheating way"because it has given me the strength to even attempt doing them right. It is almost impossible for me to do these. It is supremely difficult.)

Snack:
7 fried dumplings (meat & veggies)

Dinner:
1 barbeque chicken breast
3 deviled eggs (with mayo & mustard & bacon)

2 cups Aloe drink

16 situps total

Soya Bean!

Breakfast:
chocolate chip bagel with strawberry cream cheese (a strangely odd combination)

Lunch:
3 or 4 rolls (eel, avocado, tempura?)

several yummy bean things (edamame?)

1 cup hybrid Japanese food dish (egg, beef, veggies, yam?, etc.)

green tea

nutella and banana chocolate crepe with vanilla bean ice cream and whipped cream

Dinner:
1/4 lb. Hebrew National Frank in bun with mustard and ketchup

1/2 red bean bun

1 gulp of vitamin energy drink

30 minutes cardio on threadmill

Ryan!

Breakfast:
3/4 cup milk
2 cups Special K fruit & yogurt cereal

Lunch:
large plate salad: leafy greens, raisins, pecans, Balsamic vinaigrette

1.6 cup rice
12 oz. chicken adobo

1 cup Ruby Red grapefruit juice

water

8 situps
10 push ups

Dinner:
1/2 of salmon & pepperjack cheese crepe
1/2 of nutella, banana, almond nut, whipped cream

1 polvoron
1 Obama Cosmic Chocolate
1 cup concoction: 1/2 cup milk & 1/2 cup kahlua

I am afraid of heights!

Wire-walker Philippe Petit crosses between the World Trade Center twin towers in 1974.

Ryan Lochte = Yum!

Many thanks to Michelle for introducing me to this particular hottie competing in the Olympics!

Setecientos

Breakfast:
1 side of a blueberry bagel with honey nut cream cheese (yum!)

Snack:
6 oz. sauteed mushrooms
1 stuffed mushroom (w/cream cheese & bacon)

Lunch:
1 cup pad thai
6 oz. chocolate cake

Early Dinner?
large plate of salad: leafy greens, pecans, raisins, Balsamic vinaigrette

1/4 lb. Hebrew National beef franks
1.5 cup rice

small box of raisins

water

Snack:
blueberry bagel with honey nut cream cheese

1 cup Ruby Red grapefruit

15 push ups and 8 situps and many side lifts and bicep and tricep exercises

Hoy es el catorce de agosto de dos mil ocho

I did an hour of cardio on the threadmill and 20 minutes on the bike. I had forgotten to bring the water bottle I had prepared when I left my apartment, so I had to take a good swig of water before getting on the threadmill. And once I was on the threadmill I had to mentally ignore my dry mouth. Listening to "Coffee Break Espanol"during an hour's worth of cardio is not as captivating as the soap opera of the "Twilight"series. I did chant along with Kara, practicing different Spanish phrases, assuming my voice was not loud enough to be heard above the hum of the other threadmills and workout machines.

When I got off the threadmill I was so light-headed and tired that I was in a daze. There was this gorgeous tall and muscled blonde who was walking in my direction and smiling with this smugness. He looked like he had something sarcastic and snotty to say, and I just looked at him blankly. I did not understand why he was smiling at me, and it never occurred to me that he wanted to talk. I just looked at his pretty face with barely any comprehension because I was tired as hell. It was only moments later when he realized I wasn't going to respond to whatever it was he felt compelled to say that I realized that my mouth was in a tight grimace, a fixed scowl. Of course now I entertain the idea that he wanted to flirt, while back then I assumed he was just being a gorgeous jerk who wanted to laugh at me for being exhausted and sweaty. He had been looking at me intently. Most guys these days seem more than a little afraid to look at me (aside from the jerks who hit on anyone with a hole between their legs). I guess I hold myself very stiffly. They smell my "fuck you!" from a mile away. It's unconscious. I always think I'm this vivacious sexy thing, but when I am in public and around men, I find my entire body stiffening, and my posture assuming that of a boxer, ready to punch faces, my fists tight. And here I had fancied myself this big flirt. Haha! What should I do? Maybe I need to take a shot of tequila every time I go out. Loosen myself up ;-)

Dinner:
1 large (well, generous) plate of salad: leafy greens, pecans, and raisins with balsamic vinaigrette

1.5 cup of rice

12 oz. chicken adobo

water

1 oz. of Manila Shortbread polvoron

I also did 5 very weak push ups before dinner. I don't really know why I feel compelled to do them. I'm not sure exactly what it does. Part of me is hoping it will tighten my arms, give them a bit of definition. I am also hoping it does more than that. Ever since I've gotten on this push up/ situps kick, I find myself ignoring the machines. I hope that isn't my downfall. Push ups and situps exhaust me to the point that doing machines feels too daunting at this point. Maybe later, when I've built my endurance, I can include machines in my routine.

Midnite Snack:
3 chocolate chip cookies! Gahhhhh!

Jacknife Lee Remix

I stayed up pretty late last night, and so my breakfast is basically lunch. It makes me queasy sleeping in and going to bed so late all the time. I feel like I have permanent jetlag. I need to start sleeping at a decent hour.

Breakfast/Lunch:
As you can see on the top right, too much. I've been feeling compelled to eat our leftovers. Ugh. Not a good idea. I just feel guilty eating anything new while the old food is sitting lonely in the fridge.

So,

1 cup of rice (half jasmine, half rice-a-roni-butter and sodium party)
8 oz. spinach and mushrooms (attempts at healthiness) which were stir fried with olive oil, salt, and garlic powder
10 oz. chicken adobo
4 oz. scalloped potatoes (ughhh! yuck! No more processed food for me! The taste was so artificial!)
8 oz. shrimp, cherry tomato, basil, butter dish

water

And macapuno tart for dessert

I was already grossly stuffed when I decided on dessert. I had to, my tongue was unhappy. It was an unholy combination of food. I need to get off my case about forcing leftovers down my throat.

I did do 8 situps and 5 push ups before eating. My arm muscles were shaking in disbelief and weakness as I did them.

Fenomenal

Breakfast:
1 cup of rice
8 oz weird Filipino sweet & sour fish dish
8 oz. Indian peas and cheese
8 oz. okra with rich seasonings

1 stuffed mushroom (cream cheese/bacon goodness)

water

1 cup of ginatan

I did 8 situps and 5 very weak push ups. My entire body is so sore, and I'm really tired. I have all sorts of crap to do today, and I've basically screwed myself over because my body really wants to rest and nap.

Lunch:
1/4 cup rice
6 oz. Indian peas and cheese
10 oz. okra with seasonings
all sitting on a medium-sized bed of plain spinach

1 small box of raisins (this is me being very good. My tummy was stuffed, but I was craving sugar. It's weird how delicious raisins are. Certainly not as pleasurable as carbs loaded with butter and sugar and chocolate, but satiating and oddly satisfying still)

water

Dinner:
1 cup rice
14 oz. chicken adobo

2 strawberries (again, desperate for sugar)

water

Before dinner I did 8 situps and 5 push ups. My arms could barely do the push ups, they are so weak and tired. I can actually feel the emotions of my muscle cells (if there are such things) in my arms, turning to themselves with surprise and ask each other: "Is she really trying to do this?"

After two days not doing cardio and whining about how tired I am, I need to get back on that cardio shit. Hopefully tomorrow?

Decadence

Dinner was absurd. I had spent the entire day cooking adobo, and when sis got home, she made stuffed mushrooms. I helped.
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Dinner:
one cup hybrid of rice and rice-a-roni (sodium and butter goodness)
12 oz of chicken adobo
5 baked stuffed mushrooms (stuffed with cream cheese/fried bacon good times).

two pieces of chocolate from Cosmic

water

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The mushrooms were the divas of the meal. You could smell the oregano from the mushrooms, and the flavor was ridiculous.

The meal was so decadent. When it was over, we all sat there, talking about how rich everything was. Brian looked like he was smiling through the entire meal. He was stunned. I think sis and I were shocked at how pleasant it felt to stun someone with our cooking. Made us feel damn good.

Kinda funny that dinner was so decadent when I had spent the whole day feeling like Ahnold, randomly doing push ups, trying to think of myself as one of those muscle men. Haha!
Still, when I move my arms the strange pain is so exhilarating. It will probably seriously suck tomorrow. I probably will have a hard time moving my arms up. It is funny how a few push ups will ruin my upper body strength. I'm so weak up there! Let's see how tomorrow goes. I hope it's tolerable.

Look out, Ahnold!

Just did ten push ups. All the ones I've been doing are "girlie" ones (I wish this style of push ups was called something else). As I do them, I feel strangely in awe of myself. And proud. I used to think I couldn't even do one. One day I'll get comfy enough to try the penis versions (hah!). I hope I'm doing them right...

Erstwhile

Breakfast:
two bowls cereal Special K fruit & yogurt (with 1 cup milk)

Lunch:
large plate of salad: leafy greens with balsamic vinaigrette, pecans, and raisins
one cup rice (or was it 1.5?)
2 oz. diniguan (more sauce than content)
8 oz. Filipino leftovers (not exactly sure what it is...Chicken cocido?)
generous buttery shortbread cookie with pecans
water


I am proud of my workout yesterday. I can't see myself doing it today. My upper body feels so stiff and sore. I can't believe five pushups did that. I just had breakfast, so I'll lay off on the pushups until my stomach is settled. It seems my tummy is strangely queasy in the morning these days. I need to incorporate some green in my diet. Boo!

Chiaroscuro

Breakfast:
one cup of rice
four strips of bacon
one fried egg
One Goldilocks boat tart (ube!)
one cup of Ruby grapefruit juice
water

Lunch:
3/4 cup rice
3/4 cup peas and cheese (Indian)
1 cup okra and seasoning
3 oz. leftover tandoori chicken

1 cup peanutbutter chocolate icecream
1 Hershey's Sundae pie

8 situps
5 pushups
16 (or 32?) crunches

I did an hour on the threadmill. The only reason I was able to keep it up was because I was listening to "New Moon" on my ipod. Part of me is anxious to end this book because it has caused me several nights of bawling like a maniac. But part of me doesn't want it to end because it makes for a good workout. When it is over, I guess I would go back to listening to "Coffee Break Spanish." Or short stories from NPR or The New Yorker. All of that high brow stuff. But there is something about listening to a tragedy that gets you transfixed, and your body moves as if detached from your head. I was able to exist strictly within my head, and my body was just this odd thing below me. The odd thing is that while 80% of me has so much disdain for this reading material, 20% of me is mesmerized.