Don't break my heart like her

The ability to find happiness feels like an elusive and painful process. I am hoping this is just an issue of my twenties. I want so very much for this stage of my life to be over. I want an ease in stress and depression. I am starting to think that Zoloft might be the only cure. Who cares if I can't orgasm? So fucking what? What's the use of an orgasm if I am having fantasies of slicing my throat at all times? Being at home doesn't help. I cannot blame my parents. But then again, being back up is a total nightmare. I want no more to do with H, and I am so obsessed with A--like an illness. I am in so much pain, it feels like madness. Mom's therapist told me to think of ways to calm myself down--sooth myself. I have to think of things that are true about me....truths that calm me down.

He said number one, I was very attractive. That is not the first time he has said that. It is such a pleasure to me that he thinks so.

Number two, he said I did very well in my classes. That is true. In Anatomy, Physio, and Micro = all A's.

Number 3, I am a kind and generous person. I do the best I can to be a good friend.

Number 4, I dance Lindy swing! And it gives me great joy

Number 5, I have good friends who are beautiful, beautiful creatures.

Happiness Exercise #6

1. Maid of Honor duties give me a sense of purpose. And being needed. It's draining as hell, but I like being needed. I think I had a good time with my friend today

2. Got to have Filipino food today. Always a reason to rejoice

3. When I was with him, I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I spilled my guts. And he responded as if he was taking notes, memorizing what I needed and wanted. Attentive. It's weird how he acts as if I am the one keeping us from seeing each other more than once a week. He is a fucking alien. Anyway. It was wonderful. I was so happy. He does these sweet things that make me drown with happiness. I felt drunk with joy with him.

4. He wants me to meet his sister!!!!!!!!!!! And he's mentioned me to her! AAAAACK! HAPPY AS HELL OVER THAT

5. First time experiencing acupuncture. Not a deus ex machina experience, but new and different. I now have a tincture to drink twice a day to relieve me of anxiety and depression. We shall see if it works. I feel as if I am slowly gathering an arsenal of protection against the demons within me

6. Grateful for sis for checking on me all day. GRATEFUL!

7. Got message from Sheryl to hang out soon. She has been trying to hang out with me a lot lately. It honors me that I have intelligent friends who care about me

8. Going to LA soon. Scared and happy. It will be good to have a break from him because it's like he's cast a spell over me.

9. He spoke again about me moving in with him. It's bullshit and fucking absurd, but it makes me sooooooooooo happy. I wish mom's voice saying "Why doesn't he just ask you to marry him?" didn't pop up in my head when he says stuff like that.

10. Have lindyhop to look forward to next Tuesday. Can't wait

Oh Please God

My emotions are always up and down. I got off the phone w/sis feeling happy. And then I stupidly looked at his profile, and was perplexed not to see that bitch's message on his profile. I mean, I had asked him why he even deleted her message if she was just a friend. And he was like: "Deleted?" All perplexed. So I decided it was my FB. So allegedly he didn't delete her message. So who did? And how? Did she go back on his profile and delete what she wrote? When he described her to me, he said he didn't find her attractive. That she has these crazy furrowed wrinkles on her head from scowling/frowning so much because she has crazy mental problems. He emphasized how crazy she was. And how, the last time he saw her, she had had botox done, and so her forehead was smooth, and she looked so weird. So. Weird forehead scrunch, weird forehead smooth, and crazy as hell. Well I told him I think I'm a bit crazy too. And he said, "you're not like split personality...." And I was like, "bipolar?" And he said yes. And I believed him. When I am with him it's like heaven. But away I go crazy. I hope God has mercy on me, and this guy isn't actually a pathological liar.

Happiness Exercise #5

1. Walked the lake today with Leo. So I think it has been 5 days of either shred or Lake walking, with a day after the 5th where I had a break. Not bad. Today I walked the lake, but I ate ice cream and a popsicle. And a late night pizza. But I still feel good. My body has that tingling feel it has after a hot shower. But the lovely September warmth of the sun felt delicious on my shoulders and legs today.

2. I loved wearing my Walk-Lake-and-tan-legs-at-the-same-time outfit! Leo & sis were impressed. I feel so incredibly sporty and lesbian in it. lol. Love how I look in it.

3. My trauma book is already healing me strictly through it's existence.

4. almost done with wedding invitations

5. Got a brazilian. My poor privates! It looks red and pissed off now, but it's nice to have it all waxed off

6. Sis stayed in with me, despite my never-ending moodiness. During her period! I am forever grateful

That's pain leaving the body

It is 12:07 am, and I will be dumped today. Or. Maybe. I . Will. Dump. Him. First. Unsure how it will work out. I would rather not. I have been a weepy, depressed mess over this guy. And all signs keep pointing downhill. I have never dated a lying cretin before. I have never liked someone who was so slick and evil before. I have never been so stupid in my life. A significant, highly idiotic, foolish part of me wishes it were all untrue. That this is all smoke and mirrors. Maybe there's been some large misunderstanding. Once all facts have come out, it turned out he loves me after all. That he's not a fucking liar. But no matter how hard I cling on to that fantasy, deep inside I know the truth. I wish so hard there was another way. I want no more pain. I want a release button, some sort of escape route from today. I want a fast forward button to a time when my life makes sense, when pain is an alien concept. All I can do is read my book on trauma, and contemplate my upcoming trauma. I am starting to imagine myself as an impala being attacked by a cheetah. Being ripped piece by excruciating piece. Except right before the moment of impact (or during), I tense, I immobilize, and I feel nothing. I leave my body, and hence, I leave my pain. I wonder if there was a way i can do that. Leave my body, leave my pain. And come back to it when things don't hurt anymore.

Happiness Exercise #4

1. Saw "Soul Kitchen" with Jonathan and Leo. Cool movie. Light-hearted, silly, fun. Just a party. The Greek protagonist and his brother remind me of a certain guy a lot. Was honored to be invited.

2. We ate at Holy Land Restaurant--which was delicious if expensive. I had no intention of eating again, but got a bit roped into it. The malawach stole the show. Absolutely delicious! The lemonade with mint was crazy different. An experience

3. Spending time with J & L is food for the soul. They are so lovely.

4. The apartment is clean & neat

5. Today was a rest day. Absolutely no exercise, and didn't eat as healthy as I had tried for the past six days. My body is relieved for the break. I am doing my best to be gentle and not panic for this day.

6. Reading bits of "Waking the Tiger: Healing the Trauma" helps a little. I am grateful for it.

7. Paid all the bills for the month, and am up-to-date with my finances, finally. Have started on friend's wedding invitations. It's gonna happen.

8. Sis says my eyebrows look waxed. That's the goal. Trying to maintain them as much as possible to avoid having to go to the salon.

9. Have leftover falafel. That's exciting.

10. Have quarters for laundry and parking. Feel a sense of security over that.

Clitoridectomy

OMG. It's been three days since I've poured my heart and soul, and no text. Nothing at all.

Happiness Exercise #3

1. Tuesday Lindy Night Jump was a blast! I tried out my very first intermediate class, and it was a good fit. At first I was intimidated, but I think I caught on. I got to dance with two people who were just great. One dude had so much attitude in his zoot suit hipster-ness. He was a riot to dance with. We exchanged numbers so now I have an official swing buddy. The other guy, Dave, was this generic, bland white guy (not cute) who I thought nothing of when he asked me to dance with him. But he turned out to be an absolute riot to dance with. Again with "riot" as the description. His dancing style is extremely fun/funny. Just straight, flat-out FUN. You have to laugh while you dance with him, he keeps a mostly straight face with a slight grin escaping from the side of his mouth sometimes, and with dance moves that reveal a playful, silliness....and yet skill. With these two, it's not about making you spin like a maniac. They show off, but in ways that are pure joy. The first dude is about attitude and style. Wonderful. The other one is about this light-hearted fun silliness. But both guys have skills to pay the bills. It was so great. I had no time to doll up (and didn't have time last week neither), but dancing makes me feel so radiant and beautiful. It is one of the activities where, for a couple of hours, pain leaves the body, my heart, my mind. I am finding Lindy to be an absolute joy.

2. Therapy was great. Linda gave me this book: "Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma." It's to help me find ways to cope. I am excited to read it. I told her I would try to read one piece of feminist writing everyday, and write about it for 15 minutes. That would awaken my dormant feminist soul. I think she really forgives me/accepts me despite all my many mistakes. I feel so safe with her. I am so grateful for her loving face and smile, and the effort she has put in with me.

3. Even though I missed a shred yesterday, I have been doing some form of exercise everyday for the past six days.

4. Despite the anxiety, expense, and stress, my friend's wedding, and my maid of honor responsibilities have been SUCH a relief/ lovely distraction from my pains with old balls. Such a lovely and needed distraction. It feels so good to be needed/useful to someone as lovely as Yanira.

5. When I think about my Lindy dancing skills, I feel this guilty pleasure joy. I have a lot to learn, but still....I'm LEARNING! It makes me so happy! I never thought I would get this dance ever when I was younger. The basic lindy swingout was too bloody complicated, I thought. To be able to do it now...it's just too much happiness. I am so happy for Lindy hop.

Camp Mendocino

It's 5:56 am, and I woke up with the painful thought of him and his ex. Hanging out. I am waking up every morning now, and he is always the first thought in my mind. It hurts. A lot. I told my therapist that this constant pain is me telling myself that he's going to dump me. So when it happens, I won't be surprised. She then responded, "How has this [strategy] served you?" She was trying to get me to realize that it hasn't. That constant pain is not as great a protective mechanism as my psyche is leading me to believe. After I told her how I called my ex.....she said, "That's okay that you called him. It's okay." She read my mind, my want from her. I wanted her to say that. I wanted someone to forgive me. I have been doing things that harm me. I have felt I had no choice. They were sad, painful compulsions, like an addict. My inability to do anything to protect myself, my compulsion to turn the other cheek has gotten out of hand, and my desperation to be forgiven and loved is an endless well of sadness. But she has lent me a book that she says will help me find coping strategies. I need ways to cope with this horrific part of my life. All I can do is find ways to cope, pray a lot (despite my bitterness and misgivings about religion), and keep busy. I beg God for a solution everyday. The most obvious one is too horrible--I should dump him. I should end it. I am afraid I will never meet someone like him. I hated my dry spell. HATED IT. It was lovely actually. For my body and mind to heal. I was able to actually think about my goals and dreams. But my body and heart would much rather lean on someone, have someone validate me, in some superficial means. It is very, very hard to do it on my own. I had been half-assedly doing that for the past bunch of years. It is hard to convince myself, I am not a large fan of myself in general. At least not right now. Any little thing makes me want to disappear.

I need to dissect why I feel this need to cling on to someone that makes me feel deeply unloved. I think it must be his money *BARF*. No, too cheap. I may worry that his wealth makes me crazy, but I'm not that shallow. It must be what he represents to me. Stability and a bit of glamour. Two things I desire desperately right now. But how has he, the way he is, served me? Not much. Expensive dinners and fleeting moments of romance are cheap cover-ups for emotional agony, back-breaking insecurity, and constant sadness.

Happy Exercise #2

1. Did five consecutive days of the Shred! Happyyyyy about that

2. finally got the courage to call and talk to him. It wasn't a perfect conversation, but he did tell me he cared about me, and he was very serious about me. Something about maybe having me move in with him (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

3. Researched Bachelorette Party for amiga

4. Paid bills for month

5. Got to see Jonathan and Leo briefly

6. Got to see smokin' hot classmate. Freakin' hot

Happiness Exercise #1

My depression is getting out of hand. I have to get my shit together. Sis says to do happiness exercises.

1. Karla called me ten times when I called her crying. She called and I was on the phone with someone else, but she called me ten times because she cared about me. And when she spoke, she was so great. So great. I still don't understand why the planets have not collided into each other, or that pigs aren't flying out my window, or that hell hasn't frozen over yet. The fact that she is so fucking amazing on the inside....and jaw-droppingly beautiful on the outside...that she is such a goddamn beautiful human being....it boggles my mind. And she is my friend. And I love her. And she loves me. I still cannot believe my good luck. I just cannot believe it.

2. Even though I fucked up royal, Leo forgave me. I believed it when he told me so. And I love him so, and he was so sweet to me the last time I saw him. He has forgiven me. And I am so happy for that. That Jonathan and Leo love and care for me are beyond words happiness.

3. I am on the third day of the 30 Day Shed. I am proud of myself

4. I took my blind neighbor out for donuts today. I think she had a good time, and it was pleasant to get to know someone. She educated me about misconceptions about blind people.

5. My presence is a comfort for my friend Yanira. Her sisters said I should be a wedding organizer. They were impressed by all the stuff I have done. I have surprised myself.

6. I am enjoying the little bits of French I have learned in one French lesson.

7. I am fitting rather well in a size eight dress--my maid of honor dress. The number is so alien and pleasing to me. There are parts of me I have to tone and tighten, but still. I will rock that dress.

8. One of Yanira's nephews...a fifteen year-old liked talking to me. I felt this magic peace to be able to bond with someone in high school. A kid. It was a nice surprise.

Rohypnol

I didn't think I could feel the kind of pain I had years ago from that breakup. I didn't think I would ever heal from that or ever feel that same excruciating pain on a daily basis again. I thought I had managed to heal, I had managed to start to put the pieces together. I was starting to get there, there was other things to hope for, other dreams, other thoughts in my head. I had good, healthy people in my life. I had people who accepted me, warts and all. I thought I got my shit together.

I feel as if I am in a daily hell. I don't know how to get it out. I know how to make it worse. I finally spoke to a friend with the clearest head, and she had a lot of crazy wise things to say. She blows my mind by how wonderful she is. I have to get my brain back. I have to get my heart back. I need myself back. I wonder if this guy is poison. I wonder if I have been poisoned. I think I would actually feel better if I was stabbed a million times than to experience this. At least the pain would be out and not in. At least I would know that the pain would soon blacken out to unconsciousness instead of being in this hellish purgatory.

I want my voice back. I want my agency. I want my heart back. I want my soul back. I want my dignity. I want my fight back. I am tired of being afraid. Of being scared. What the fuck?! This is insane.

Russian Roulette

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

[Chorus ]
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

(Chorus)

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late too pick up the value of my life

(Chorus)