The Napping House

It's raining in S. Pas, and no one is home. The house is an icy freezer, yet still manages to be comforting and beautiful. Listening and watching the rain coming down from the windows is calming and makes me feel moody and melancholy in a rather pleasant way. It is easy to feel like I am the only human being left in the planet because it is so quiet, aside from the noises of the many clocks in the house, and the soft falling rain. We are only days away from 2010, and I feel like I can take this time to pause and mull over everything that's happened, and pray for hope and strength for the coming year. I've been mostly a wreck, but a working wreck, one who loves and tries despite repeated failings. I bet I am not the only one who feels that way. There are plenty of people who haunt me, who I love as fiercely as if I've just discovered them, and I think I am learning to let go. There are also plenty who are open arms, and they continue to surprise me and fill me with gratitude. Mom is out helping Lolo with something, and Dad is at a reunion party with his friends. I am glad to be left alone. Despite the anxiety of family, relatives, and painful memories, I feel protected here. Protected from my adult life where I feel powerless, always responsible, exhausted, and alone despite much evidence to the contrary. Here is where I was younger, here is where I grew up. It is not an ideal shelter, but it feels like a cocoon. I have three books to keep me company, and the occasional get-togethers with some friends. It is a good blend, and I feel myself relaxing and feeling a letting go that is relief after a year of tightly-gripped tension, worry, and pain.

Thank you, Sis, for being my rock all year. You were the light that wouldn't let me give up despite my self-absorbed, obnoxious depressions. You have been beyond supportive to a sister who has not always been as supportive of you. I don't always deserve you, but I am grateful for you always.

Top Films of 2009

These are based on the few I did see this year.

1. Avatar
2. Goodbye Solo
3. The Hurt Locker
4. Broken Embraces
5. Up
6. Away We Go
7. Star Trek
8. Adventureland

I have yet to see the following (Once I see them I might add more films to this list):
"Precious"
"Inglorious Basterds"
"Where the Wild Things Are"
"Ponyo"
"Sherlock Holmes"
"A Single Man"
"Paranormal Activity"
"Moon"
"The Road"
"Crazy Heart"
"The Messenger"
"An Education"
"Up in the Air"

Happiness List

Happiness Exercise

1. Not perfect, and quite dysfunctional, but still, I am thankful for my parents. They are my only parents, and they love me as best as they can.

2. Caroline (duh)

3. brothers, of course. Oldest bro is going to be spending Xmas and New Year's in the Middle East. He will be staying in a military base. I am scared about potential dangers. He is apparently making a lot of money for all this stuff. It sounds like it is all going to invitro fertilization. Jet appears to be going along with his life. He is still the most "healthy" (buff) of all of us, and I feel pride in his ability to maintain his peacock feathers. It is fun to have vain siblings.

4. I should realize that Golden Spoon is the safest and most meaningful manner through which ~ can be a friend. And, perhaps, the best way for me to spend time with her. She looks as tiny and petite as ever. No matter what Weight Watchers says, she looks more in shape than she was before!

5. Heart-breaking but good to see old roommate. A sweet soul.

6. A joy and privilege to see Manang Fe. I love her very much!

7. Was heart-warming to see Jet tend to Lolo all through Thanksgiving. I have the best brother ever! Lolo relished the attention, and told everyone about it. Jet is a class act.

8. Tita Bong looked great at the Thanksgiving gathering.

9. I was happy to spend some time with my cousins. Hearing their laughter is a happy drug for me. They get more glamorous and beautiful everyday. I am humbled and in awe of their youth and hope.

10. Jonathan picked me up from the airport and picked up sis after! I never ever thought I could have such a generous and giving friend. I am very lucky for him!

11. Just being back with Caroline is peace in my heart. She is a kind and generous sister and best friend.

12. My apartment is an absolute relief. And relatively warm compared to the outside and even our house in S Pas.

13. I don't care. All the Xmas songs give me some peace and hope in my heart.

14. I called D tearfully yesterday, and she was an absolute shoulder. Protective and loving. I am grateful that she remains my friend all these years. Through thick and thin, through millions of disagreements, we remain friends, despite it all. I remain in awe that this is so.

15. I am jealous but happy that sis has a much more joyous Thanksgiving. She deserves joy in every form imaginable.

VOMIT

Sick and tired of socially-embarrassing/ epsilon/ hideous/ caveman/low self-esteem/ ignorant/ uneducated/ undesirable men with "Asian fetishes." VOMIT. I wish there was a way to make these men just go away. Or to make them desire other kinds of women (I guess that's not fair to those women). Just because you are not an Asian male does not make you more desirable than my Asian male peers. You are not the object of my deepest hopes and desires. I'm Asian and female, I'm not trash. I'm not grateful that your White male ass is oggling me. I'm not easy to please. I'm complicated and contradictory, I'm passionate and profound and also ditzy and naive, I'm riddled with insecurities, but I'm also more confident, powerful and violent than you can ever imagine. I'll be as fat or as slim as I choose, I'll eat what I want, I'll clean and cook or leave my apartment a mess if I want, I'd rather be lonely and sex-deprived than let you ejaculate into me you nasty disgusting specimen of life. Go play your video games, or your AA or GA or whatever A meetings, and find yourself some other woman. A woman with self-esteem low enough to think you're the best she can ever do. But leave me the fuck alone!

Uriniferous tubules!

"The nephron and the collecting duct together are referred to as the uriniferous tubules." -from my Phyiology lab book.

Love this word: "uriniferous." It's an adjective. And it "conveys urine"--as in, "denoting the tubules of the kidney." Har har. Love it.

The hobo walked past, leaving an unmistakable uriniferous odor in his wake.

San Francisco is often uriniferous in many parts of town.

Before a child is potty trained, every location upon which it's tush has been in contact with will retain a uriniferous odor.

Not even sure if I'm using the word right, but it's fun using it.

Mood Gym

It is fun to do these Happiness Exercises when I am PMSing. It is downright cartoonish/freakish.

1. Grateful for Caroline. For saving my ass yesterday. I was just a wreck. And she was AWESOME. Times five. A mood-lifter. Just a hero.

2. Lovvvved tutoring Toni yesterday. I just adore her and her mom Suzanne. They are the most loveliest, most wonderful, fantastic people. I love them so much. SO MUCH. It's crazy. I have to pretend to be "normal" and chill around them, and I have to hide how goddamn cool I think they are.

3. When I was BARTing home yesterday after tutoring Toni I thought I lost my phone. Being hormonal I cried like a maniac. Imagine my surprise/joy when I got home and sis told me Suzanne said I left it in her car. I called Suzanne, and I am picking it up today after class. Thank God for that!!! Phone is not lost! YAY

4. Allowed myself to sleep a lot for the past couple of days cuz it's been so cold that sleep is the yummiest solution. I love sleep. It's so delicious.

5. Now that I am back (and not in So. Cal), I feel like I am eating better. My body is thanking me for it.

6. Woke up at 4am out of sheer worry over Physio. Secretly pleased that my body is in tune with my aspirations.

7. Made two sandwiches this morning. Very accomplished person I am

8. Discovered a new Faure song I now love.

You know...

Yesterday was a very, very hard day. It is PMS week, and everything felt agonizing yesterday. Caroline was a total life-saver.

I've been reading horrifying articles that reflect the horror in my heart right now. I have to remind myself that it's just my hormones....that the negative feelings, the feelings that the world hates me, all that lovely PMS shit--that it will be gone. I just have to ride it out. When it's like this, I can't see the forest for the trees, as my mom would put it. I just see madness and sadness and betrayal. The charming quirks of people, the flaws that make them human, become intolerable. Little snipes become catastrophic. I see treachery everywhere. But sis was a ray of sunshine. I am surprised that I didn't manage to bring her down with me. It is relief to know she is my twin. That there is a part of me that can be sunshine as well.

I have fantasies of having offspring...but I think (matching my PMS mood) that maybe I shouldn't.

Reasons not to reproduce:
1. autism
2. emotional/some physical/verbal abuse is almost always reproduced by the parent. Don't want to do that to anyone if I can help it!
3. lack of role models
4. selfish reasons in wanting a child
5. scared that I can't protect my offspring from certain perpetrators of crap (altho said person will likely have passed away...and, just like I said in #2, I might replace perpetrator of crap)
6. not financially stable yet (a.k.a. filthy rich. Cuz a happy child is only possible if you're stinkin' rich. Cuz money buys happiness. Yeah. That's been proven by looking at Paris Hilton, all the Kardashians, those rich kids in that Rich documentary...all mom's patients in psych...and all the lovely well-adjusted rich kids I've known through the years)

I've spoken at length with Karla, analyzing my motives for wanting a child, and she is very forgiving of me. She thinks I would be great. Her faith in me is warm and wonderful. Too bad I don't feel the same. Maybe when I am not PMSing?

Unusual Way

Irene's recital is haunting me. I am having the hardest time in focusing. I don't want to study when I am at home. Studying is such a lonely process, filled with self doubt and self loathing. I don't want to tap into that misery when I am at home. I would rather be with my Mom and Dad, and to absorb their love. I hate that Dad wants us to leave at 4am. It just makes me bonkers. I have yet to pack. The appointment to see Dr. Long was emotionally draining. I felt embarrassed talking about my problems. I felt like I was trying to convince someone that my stupid feelings mattered. It just feels cartoonish to bitch and moan in front of a sagely old man in the clinic area of his gorgeous, stunning Beverly Hills home. I mean, how could someone like that relate to someone like me? How can my problems even matter in the slightest? And then after, mom and I had a mini fight. And I am actually impressed with Mom...after I reacted sensitively to the words she said, she backtracked, and explained what she meant. And I felt her words make more sense.
Anyway. Irene sang so many gorgeous, stunning songs. All her songs felt like they were tiny wounds in my heart...all of them beautiful and a little sad. I am itching to go karaoke again. Itching!

It is very hard to do this. But I had promised sis ages ago that I would try.

Happiness

1. Jonathan has been a lovely friend. He has made himself a shoulder and an ear, and beyond generous. I am so grateful.

2. Leo is a level of cool that goes beyond high school bullshit. He is above all that, & is just so funny and cool and clever. He and Jonathan have deep levels of compassion, and...apparently forgiveness...for me. It covers my bruised and broken heart.

3. I will see my parents this weekend. I am scared about it. But they are loving and have not rejected me yet. I am theirs, and they have made me...and they still love me. I am grateful for their love.

4. Genki crepes are happiness. I am happy for the food I eat.

5. Caroline should be at the top. Thanks to Caroline for being with me everyday, even though I have been a special challenge this year. You are more than I can hope for in a sister and in a friend. I am grateful that you are my twin, so I can remember that there must be beauty within me, because it shines so fiercely in you.

6. Sheryl's last phone call included a "love you!" This, from a woman about my own mother's age! Especially because she is one of my Women Studies Grad cohort friends, I only expect distance and intellectual discomfort. But she has been warming to me over the years, and I was startled/blissfully happy that she said such a "girlfriend!" kind of line to me. Her age is something I very much appreciate, and I look to her as an inspiration, as far as the way she is very much herself, unapologetically.

7. Am grateful for W as well. He was especially kind on the phone last night. I thank God he has a girlfriend (hopefully that is still going on). I need a friend, and will never be more to him. He seems to be very compassionate as a friend.

8. Grateful to the cute, scary cop I spoke to last night. He was trying to be helpful, but he was sympathetic--very. Although there was nothing he could do, his care with me--I value very much.

9. I must learn to be grateful for my trials and tribulations. They are infinitely smaller than many other people. Then the majority of people in the world who are living in poverty. And any mental illness I feel I might have has not hindered me in an obviously debilitating way. Everyone gets depressed. It's almost just like the common cold. Depression just seems like modern life. My trials force me to open my eyes, and be grateful for any love in my life, any kindness. It humbles me, it makes me more connected to those who suffer. It forces me to not take forgranted anything and anyone in my life. I must learn to find the silver lining in pain, because pain appears to be one constant in this part of my life.

10. I must recognize that ppl in my life have free will, and I must be grateful when they choose to share some of their journey with me. It is a privilege and an honor to be included in other people's lives. I must be grateful when they touch me with their presence, their humor, their beauty, their pain, their humanity. I am grateful for Vanessa, for her bewildering beauty and violent brains. She is fiercely herself, and thus invites those around her to be themselves. I am always trying to subdue myself because I fear that I am not acceptable. I fear I am too feminist, too radical, too emotional, a horrible wreck. I should allow those around me to be themselves by being myself, and learning to love myself the way I am.

11. Not sure if I will end up seeing anyone else (aside from the recital) during my trip down, but I must be grateful for the gesture Mary has made, even if it was just a gesture. Mimicking friendship is good enough for me. Her intent felt kind, and I will take it for what it is.

12. Grateful for Michelle, for the past two sweet and short phone calls. She has been empathetic and delicate with my broken heart. I am grateful that she is in my life, that she shares her life with me.

13. Any success I have had so far, I am grateful for. I am grateful for any A's I have earned in Physiology.

14. I am grateful for makeup--for hiding my face, and giving me a mask to keep my real self safe and protected. Makeup and flattering clothes....they work to shield my real self from the world, and I am grateful for the shield.

15. I spend so much time grieving ~, but I am glad, ultimately, that ~ is not in my life anymore. I know I have been bitter, and my heart is still tender, but I now have been forced to stand on both of my two feet, to use more of my brains than before....I have shell-shocked, survivor mentality. I (hopefully) will use this to my advantage. I no longer have a romantic view of the world, and maybe that is a good thing. I feel like I am no longer a child in that way. My once, delicate outer skin is now scarred, white-haired, and toughened from abuse and pain. I just might be stronger now. No more illusions, no more naive hopes. I now live in the reality and not childhood bullshit fantasy land. This pain has also been fuel to survive my classes and my new life. I realize that there is value in this fuel.

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror

"Nosferatu, a name that ringeth like the cry of a bird of prey - speak it not aloud".

"Nosferatu - doesn’t this name sound like the very midnight call of death ? Speak it not aloud, or life’s pictures will turn to pale shadows, and nightmares will rise up to feed on your blood".

Damn

Translation from Youtube.

Chinese Lady: (0:09): This bitch got the nerve to yell at me for me asking her politely if i may sit down. (0.48): If that bitch didn't want to let me sit down don't mean she got to bitch at me. (0:59): I didn't yell at you bitch why you going off on me. If I don't stand up for myself, she won't get scared. (1:44): Dare to pick on chinese people?
(2:05): This bitch hogging the seat and I asked nicely if I may sit and that bitch kept hogging the seat. She has no heart, always bullying chinese people.
Old Man#2(1:26): Hit that bitch.
Old Man#3(1:33): Beat that bitch ass.
Old Lady#2(1:37): Don't fight no more.
Old Man#2((1:59): Beat the f*@# out of her!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/matierandross/detail?entry_id=49176&o=1

What is your threshold?

The minimal stimulus that produces excitation of any structure, e.g., the minimal stimulus eliciting a motor response.


I have several amigas who want me to visit them. I bet they invite me with this light-hearted friendship thing. But it isn't received that way by yours truly. I feel crazy stressed by it cuz an invitation is such a lovely thing. But it is sorta impossible right now (financially). And saying "no" to lovely friends stings my tongue. Blah. Here is my list (written in order of who asked first). Maybe writing it out will keep it from staying in my head, a list of generous offerings / obligations / stress / guilt.

1. Didi in Pittsburgh (really want to go! Reeeeally)
2. Karla in Maryland
3. Mary in Arizona
4. Queenie in San Diego
5. Mangala in San Jose (the closest)

Amoxicillin

I've had a rough few days. My mind's been racing with a constant stream of incapacitating thoughts. A lot of "you suck!" kind of crap. It came when I found out I got a B on my first Physio test. I felt so good about that test. I was so ashamed and wrecked when I realized what I got...And I proceeded to feel worse when I found out who got the A's. Two of the more annoying women in my class got A's. It humbled me to pieces, and goodness knows how much I loathe being humbled when I'm in an insecure patch in my life. I've tried to self-medicate by sleeping a lot. I've felt exhausted from all my self-inflicted miserable thoughts. I've been drained...and felt unable to do shit. So I sleep. But when I sleep my dreams are full of nightmares. I've dreamed that I'm racing through town, always in a hurry...late to something. Or being tortured in some strange way. I wake up feeling worse. Feeling like there is no escape. I've been in this crazy rage that has kept me from focusing on what matters, and from noticing the positive parts of my life. I've just realized now that all of this is self-inflicted. Two things have pulled my head from the darkness:

1. The most annoying of the two women who got an A...she got a 90%. She told me about it today, and I was so horribly jealous and insecure. But then I suddenly saw, during lab, the many scars all over her wrist. I realized that she was a cutter. From the first day of class I noticed this humongous burn on her wrist. I guessed that her "I burned myself cooking something" story was a lie. It was too monstrous. Either she was in an abusive relationship of some sort, or she burned herself. For some reason I saw her doing it to herself. I just sensed it. Anyway. Her demeanor...arrogant and entitled but also slow as fuck (she asks the dumbest...most "why don't you just look it up yourself " questions)...irritating... and the way she carries herself...It is easy to read as arrogance and snottiness. But one can also see self-loathing. She carries herself with this permanent unhappy pained look on her face. The marks on her wrists and arms are so blatant. They scream: "Notice me! Notice my pain! Help me!" And to think that I felt this crazy rage when I found out she outscored me. She ceased to be a human. I felt jealously and resentment and insecurity combined with my own self-loathing and horror. I saw red when I found out she outscored me. It is embarrassing, my thoughts. When I saw the scars I was forced to pull out of my head. I felt her pain. I asked her about it, and she told me, with a sheepish, apologetic, and embarrassed smile, that "that was a long time ago." Yeah, right. I don't believe it for a second. This girl is pretty, very slender body, hip and stylish in a way I admire and would love to emulate(but it also doesn't call attention to itself, strangely), and apparently gets good grades even though she irritates my classmates a lot. I would think she was luckier than anything. But it goes to tell ya that one can never judge or really know a person. I was wrong to be so mad at her. And to dehumanize her. It's just a grade. And, all things considered, I really ought to be happy with my score. A "B" is a "B." This is Physiology, one of the hardest classes I have taken. Infinitely harder than Anatomy. I should give myself a break. And I need to STOP comparing myself to other people! Damn! It's a real problem.

2. I went through all my grades in Physio so far, and I realize "A's" and "B's" are all I have so far. I should be happy. I need to ease up on the self-loathing, and try self-acceptance and love for a change. It's just a good idea.

Happiness List:

1. There is still hope with school. There is a lot of hope. It is too early and frankly, ridiculous for me to give up on myself. There is a LOT of hope.

2. I have the best sister in the world. Loving parents. And good friends and family.

3. A classmate told me that when she first saw me, she thought I looked like a "Chinese princess." She thought I was beautiful. What a nice thing to tell me. I felt good after that.

4. I am 27...going into this journey. Some of my peers are 37. One particular woman in 56. I am relatively young. There is hope.

5. I have a new and beautiful flannel top. It makes me feel hot. It fulfills my dyke-ish / young hipster wannabe / wardrobe of Kristen Stewart in "Twilight" (ok, the entire cast of "Twilight") fantasies.

6. Tutoring Toni was pleasant. Her mom is a joy. I just love those two so much.

7. Classical music offers anxiety salvation. Thank God for classical music. A natural sedative and anxiety reliever.

So far....

Movies I Want to See:

1. A Single Man
2. Precious
3. Patrik, Age 1.5
4. New Moon
5. I Can Do Bad All By Myself
6. Inglourious Basterds
7. The Cove
8. Moon
9. Flame & Citron
10. No Impact Man
11. Shorts
12. The Proposal
13. Public Enemies
14. White on Rice
15. Good Hair
16.Where the Wild Things Are
17. Ong Bak 2: The Beginning

Manilatown is in the Heart

Happiness

1. The Ghiradelli Chocolate Festival was really insane. And fun. We truly overdosed on chocolate. What an absolutely luxurious experience.

2. I am blown away by the sweet pleasure of the company I was with. Jaena, Carmel, and my lovely sis were enchanting. It was a quiet and lovely sort of joy. It is such a gift to get to know people, to spend time with them, and to experience friendship. I am grateful.

3. Did I mention the chocolate? Damn! The Ghiradelli drinking chocolate was crazy! And the mini sundae. And the malt shake!!!

4. Happy about my new flannel top! I love it so much! It makes me feel young and trendy and slim (!!) and super cool!

5. This rainy weather is contemplative and a lil sadness-inducing. And also beautiful and dreamy!

6. Thank you to Al Robles....you passed away this May....but you are not forgotten. It is because of people like you that I have any stake in San Francisco....in this state....in this country. I am grateful to all Filipino American pioneers.

7. I am grateful for film....for providing avenues of escape. And possibility. And dissident thought!

Amino acids

Happiness Exercise:

1. I am so grateful for the feeling of peace and calm that came over me an hour before my Physiology test. It came and stayed with me all through the test...like a loyal friend. I don't know how it happened. I am so grateful.

2. I am grateful for friends.

3. I am grateful for my family. For relatives. Thanks to sis and mom and dad, for loving me a lot. It is a comfort to be loved. It is a gift.

4. I am grateful for my lovely pantry. Sis was right when she said we have such a great set up. It's true! I have more spices, teas, hot chocolate, and kitchen utensils/thinggmabobbers than I ever thought I could have. My pantry makes me happy.

5. I am glad for my time with my therapist. She is moved to another place, but it was a good, short time. I am grateful for her ears and sympathetic facial expressions. And her obscenely beautiful face.

Adobo Hobo

Happiness Exercise

1. Tutoring Toni and chatting with her mom has got to be the highlights of my week. Two of the loveliest people in San Leandro. I really love them very much, it's weird that we're not outright friends or family. I wish they were. I am lucky that they are in my life at all.

2. Feeling strangely relaxed this evening

3. Had a long ass conversation with my friend Queenie in the Navy. Haven't seen her in a year, and haven't talked to her for ages. She is all grown up, beautiful, independent, and smart as hell--as always. Intimidating woman. I remember how she used to be...a bit young and more light-hearted. There was a sadness in our conversation. I am grateful we are still in touch anyway. She was caring and thoughtful in her own odd Queenie way.

4. Ate really well today. Am proud of myself.

5. Got through 90% of my Physiology homework despite only sleeping 4 hours. Am amazed with myself that I didn't crash.

6. The breakfast mushroom omelette that sis made for me this morning was sooo delish!

7. Current episode of "Monarch of the Glen" was really joyful. Made me really happy.

8. Have a quiet feeling of hope, stubbornly clinging in me about certain things...

HOSTAGE: A Love Story

It is 3:13 am, and I had a very underwater-while-physically-upside-down-sensation all day. Spent a lot of the day being all stressed and feeling sorry for myself, and so that means it's time for me to count my blessings before I get lost in useless unpleasant feelings.

Happiness Exercise

1. I can't believe the amount of patience my mom has given me concerning my wretched and almost constant state of anxiety about my current career goals. I keep expecting her to kick me out of her life. To reject me. Instead she mostly remains very present when I talk to her, a task that is very difficult when I am whining and being annoying. I am amazed that she still loves me, seems to have some sort of faith in me (sort of. Considering my own feelings about my capabilities, I am grateful for any kind of faith). She continues to work on encouraging me in any way that she can. I expect to be orphaned, left out of the will, abandoned. That is the way these things go. But she remains in my life. A constant force. I cannot believe my good luck. I am grateful beyond words.

2. Despite my constant and manic anxiety over school, and despite all the obstacles I put in my path, I still have hope. Hope for myself. It is a beacon of light that shines faintly, but importantly. I remind myself that the task I have placed before me is one of the most difficult and terrifying things I have ever done, and it allows me to forgive myself for being so horrible and ungraceful about everything.

3. Am grateful for sis for continuing to forgive me while I act like a royal self-centered, self-pitying douche time and time again.

4. Am grateful for people like Zachary Quinto and shows like "Monarch of the Glen" for providing avenues for escapism during a particularly and inescapably mundane and tedious part of my life.

5. Am grateful for the hug my knockout beauty of a therapist, Stacy, gave me during our last session together. She was very sympathetic, and I was a mess. I am blown away by her kindness and sensitivity. I cannot believe she sat there through the entire thing. I owe her flowers or something. Or at least dinner, right? Haha. I cannot believe our sessions are coming to an end. I am grateful for the time I had with her.

I had better get to bed. I'm going to try to dream of Zachary Quinto...as a straight man....who wants a piece of my ass! Yes. In my dreams.

Monarch of the Glen

I'm such a grumpy pants that I feel I need to do this to keep my head from pickling with acidity.

Happiness Exercise:
1. Sis is with me after days and days of helping Keeya with her move. It is a comfort to have her nearby.

2. I think I did decently in my Drug Dosages class. I was hit with sleep DURING the test SEVERAL times, and had to fight to stay awake (I even made myself go over the exam painstakingly when I realized I had dozed off during many answers)....yet there was this moment when I felt myself mentally slap myself in the face, thinking, "Dammit, Christine. This is your fucking life. Ace this bitch now!" and I awoke with a painful desperation. Despite all, I think I did well. I really do.

I know the exhaustion and sleep was from helping Jonathan and Leo with their packing. At least the negative came from a positive thing. Helping friends in desperate need of help is a good thing.

3. I'm enjoying being in touch with old "flames" in FB. I thought it would be horrible/weird, and it's still weird...but it's intimate, somehow. I like the element of goodwill that passes through...a wave of positive energy that passes through the internet. An old....semi-"foe" is a facebook friend. It makes me feel warm and happy inside (definitely NOT talking about my ex)... It still tickles me to no end that RC added me on FB. I am so grateful that he has no ill will towards me. It means a lot.

4. My face is doing relatively well. It's pretty clear. Happy about that.

5. Not very bloaty. Figure is decent. I can live with it. It's alright.

6. Ate well too. One greasy meal, but I ate it out of frugality and duty, and not for binge-emotional reasons. Feeling alright about my meals today.

7. Watching certain scenes in Episode 7, Season 1 of "Monarch of the Glen" makes me drunk with giddyness.

If you get caught between the moon and New York City...

Happiness Exercise:

1. Grateful for sis. And for the lovely brownies she made. (Sorry I was a mess yesterday)

2. Grateful that mom was with me through skype as I unraveled over Physio.

3. Grateful to have another chance at things

Go Team Jacob!

I know that the Twilight thing is eye-gauging, vomit-inducing, self-aborting to many, but I made myself read all 4 of those books. And Jacob is the only character who I liked (other than his thing for BellaBarfBag). And woohoo for a Native American character! I am always happy when there is a decent characterization of a character in an ethnic group that isn't always represented in the media. I would love to see more Native American characters in film (that aren't stereotypical).

Happiness Exercise:

1. Had lunch with a squirrel! Shared some of my nuts from my trail mix. A cute guy told me that I could just put some on my feet, and it would come right over. He stayed a little, watching me feed the squirrel and chatting pleasantly with me. He was a cutiepants. Other than him, the squirrel was a cutiepants as well. At one point I put the peanuts in the seat beside me, and the squirrel came up and ate beside me. We just sat together enjoying the nuts. I felt happy.

2. Got into both Nursing Drug Dosages AND the Physio class with the teacher I want! Yay!

3. I am grateful that I have this opportunity to continue my journey into a possible new career. I still have so much to do, but I am at stage 2, and I am grateful to still have this chance.

So What & the Seven What Nuts

I promised sis I would do these Happiness Enhancement Thingermabobbers since I've been stubbornly Eeyore for too long.

1. Mom and Dad's visit made me so happy. They had a good time---and that made me so happy. The parents indulged us and watched "Heroes"...and got sucked in good. Poor Dad got headaches from keeping up with all the characters--he thought there were just too many--and from all the watching. I offered other activities we could do instead, but they sat tight. When we got to a particularly irritating episode I told them we could just skip it, but Dad wouldn't have it. He ended up watching every episode of Season 1. Mom would leave the room after a while and join sis and I at the kitchen to chat and snack. When the juicy parts of Season 1 came on, sis and I were back at the tv with them, reliving every moment like it was the first time. Sometimes Mom would make a whistling noise in admiration at a particularly exciting plot twist, or if something got really tense. She would do the whistle, shake her head and smile. Dad was even game for pizza (miracle!). I think he finally got tired of our diet of Filipino food for the past 5 days. Last night, after pizza, Dad said, "Let's get back to our movie!" with a smile. We watched the last episode and talked about it when it ended. Dad and Mom asked questions about some details. Everyone agreed that Sylar was a fun villain. Mom said watching Heroes was fun, and Dad agreed. <-- That Dad enjoyed the show is fantastic! He is one hard customer. When they left, the last thing Dad said to us as he was hugging both sis and I goodbye was, "Now girls, be careful. Look out for Sylar." Sis and I were not expecting that, and laughed in surprise. It put a light-heartedness to the usually depressing task of saying goodbye.

2. Tutoring Toni today was lovely. Every time I leave a session with her I feel bizarrely blessed and crazy grateful. I struggle to appreciate it for what it is--a temporary situation--but it is hard. Toni and her mother Suzanne are the most loveliest people in San Leandro. Suzanne dropped us off at the library, went off to do some errands--one of them being a trip to the Farmer's Market--and came back to get us, giving me some strawberries she bought. She had discovered the Farmer's Market last week--and bought me strawberries then as well. Such a lovely gesture. I am so grateful.

3. As I was walking towards the apartment (after tutoring Toni) I smelled bbq, and heard the laughter of my glamorous neighbors downstairs. Remembering their friendliness at the neighborhood get-together months ago, and their panicky look when we had danced with their mates at the salsa dancing thing (It wasn't meant in ill will! They were dancing with other guys, I thought it was okay!), I felt an urge to give them a reconciliatory gesture of friendship (and to show that I was unafraid to hang out with them when I looked plain and dowdy). I also felt drawn to their laughter. So I walked over to the high wood fence and called out to a man in their backyard, handing him the strawberries and running off. Long story short (too late!), Deborah and Halliya invited me to join their bbq. I felt guilty...I felt like I trapped them to invite me....but it was lovely. They appeared really pleased and cool with my presence. We talked for a while, and I got to enjoy their lovely food. They even complimented my broccoli (I made sure to cook some to bring over). There is something about Halliya and Deborah (and their flirty mates!) that is alluring and seductive. They appear carefree, unpretentious, kind, and quick to laughter. The women are lovely and could be conceited if they wanted. But they seem unaware of their charms and dress simply and with no fuss.

4. Parents got me a laptop! It is hard to even talk about it. I feel incredibly unworthy and guilty. I vow to make the best use of it. It is symbolic. My previous lappy was from my ex, and now that part of him is gone now. I have something new! I am grateful and stunned.

5. I am on Day 4 of the 30 Day Shred! I could say it's Day 6...adding two other days when I wasn't doing the workout video...but was instead walking three miles around Lake Merritt. But I have a feeling Jillian Michaels would disagree with me. Anyway...I'm proud of myself for not giving up.

Tired as Fuck

I decided to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I started yesterday, and was seeing stars. Today is Day 2, and the workout was both harder and easier at the same time. As I worked out today, I contemplated my motivations. A nice toned body just isn't enough. I was in cross country for three years in high school, and loathed my body. I don't hate my body anymore, and my body is bigger than it was back then. I remember stepping on a scale and feeling hatred and misery to see that I hadn't lost any weight. I didn't understand. We ran for hours and hours, it felt. Each step felt like death. I would stare at my stomach in disgust and anger. I look back now and realize that the lack of weight loss was not about fat retention, but muscle gain. My body was probably in good shape. My mom swears I have blossomed, and that my body is curvier now than before (don't see it), and Michelle and Caroline tell me I am slimmer than I was five years ago. Apparently I didn't have a waistline back then. All I can remember was the chafing of my thighs when I had started to gain weight back in the day, the way my arms made every outfit look bloated, and how the sides of my stomach ruined every top I wore by peeking out and waving at everyone all the time. Since being in shape doesn't automatically equate a healthy self-esteem, I think I have to go about this in a different way. Instead of going about this for a particular body or weight, I have to do this workout for the mental challenge. The part of me that says I can't do it, that I am not strong, that I am not worthy of anything. This is not about body, this is about mind.

Yowza

Who knew Dionne Farris was hot? I had a random urge to listen to "I Know," and looked her up on youtube...only to find her looking kinda butch and really hot in the video.

Then I looked at "Hopeless"--and she looked so much like Danielle, the Goddess I got to work with last Fall. I wonder if I'll ever see Danielle again. It feels like I never will. As if the powers that be just made her a moment in my life to tease me. It's bizarrely unfair. When I was around Danielle I couldn't quite breathe right. She was more beautiful than I thought anyone could ever be. I must have been such a lapdog to her, looking at her with puppydog eyes. I feel like there must have been a reason I met her. I hope I live long enough to find out why.



I saw some pictures of Dionne Farris now..and she's all made up with makeup and long hair. She apparently had kids...and is busy raising them. She did have an album out last year. As soon as I saw her current pictures and read about the kids I felt so disappointed. I really wanted her to be gay. I really liked her look in the 90s. Very hot. She is still very beautiful now, just in a very feminine way (BLAH).

Ex-roommate K is married to a Black woman, M. M is very butch. Not my taste at all, thankfully. Still, it would be kinda funny/horrible if K and I were attracted to the same kind of women. K's second girlfriend was horrendous. As charming as a falling anvil. That girl hated my guts, anyway. Knew I wanted K, and flaunted the fact that she got her and I didn't.

There is one romantic prospect in the form of this odd guy named Brent. But he appears to be some sort of slut. Same with this other guy, Martin. Lately when I find a cute single guy he turns out to have a following of Asian women. Ugh.

Straight men are so tedious and dull. At least I've had no luck. At the choir reunion I found myself flirting with a married man (Yes, I'm horrible!). It happened when I turned during rehearsals for the concert, and saw B, the older brother of my friend in a cult. It was very mechanical and automatic...I was attracted, the gears turned, and I found myself flirting like a maniac. He responded, I enjoyed it. Luckily sis poked me in the ribs and reminded me 1. He's a douche, and played mindgames with a friend of ours years ago, 2. He's married, and 3. He has kids. I had to force myself out of my hunting mode. It wasn't easy. When I looked at him and smiled, he smiled back. He was a hot fucker. At one point sis hissed, "His wife is right there!" And I saw her--this pissed off pregnant lady. Apparently she is always pregnant and pissed off at choir get-togethers. It's a red flag. He's gorgeous, flirtatious, and charming as hell. And she's always pregnant and pissed off. He's probably a horrible husband. Lovely to screw, but bad at everything else. Anyway, I need to stop acting like a single woman who hasn't been laid in three years. It's not dignified, and women out there deserve more out of me. I owe it to myself to stop behaving like my own worst nightmare.

A

in Anatomy!!!!!!

Baked Alaska

I had so much fun in Alaska that it's depressing to be back. It's easy to forget the real world on a cruise! It turned out to be miraculously better than expected...everything I wanted and needed and more! There was visual eye candy in the form of the uber cute Naturalist at the Whale watching excursion (What a cutie!), tons of food, a lovely stateroom, plenty of bonding time with mom, a little salsa dancing, even reading (for pleasure! Hooray!!!)! Reading "Angels and Demons" with mom was ridiculously fun! The ship was gorgeous...

I am starting to get my land legs back. I felt a constant swaying for the past two days, but it is starting to go away.

Gag!

It feels like I am suddenly receiving an avalanche of attention from the wrong people. Story of my life! Gag. What's cool is I met this amazing couple, (M & S), thought they were fantastic...wanted to be friends...and now the male counterpart, who is this amazing, really cool cat...is making googly eyes at BOTH me and sis. His girlfriend is a rare gem, really generous, smart, clever... It's depressing. She deserves better, and he's revealed himself to be less than ideal. Oh straight men. Where are the honorable ones? My creepy ass neighbor is trying to get a date out of me (he would try sis except I'm the cursed single one), and my gross anatomy friend is flirting with me on facebook. I told gross Anatomy friend repeatedly that if I was to get with anyone in the future, I would be the one who did the choosing. I don't desire to be chosen unless I choose that person back. Too often I am chosen by yucky guys who think that they are somehow entitled to me because they chose me. Since I am a mammal and I know how easy it is to give in out of a desire to be validated and desired, I have even turned my non-believing self to prayer, because this entire thing is so damn scary! I've prayed repeatedly for some sort of protection from Undesirables. And protection from Desirable people...who are destructive and cruel and/or just an overall bad fit for me. It feels like the prayer as worked...in keeping tantalizing prospects away from me (darn!). Now if the yucky guys would just leave me alone. I have told myself to settle for singlehood for the long haul because the idea of being in a relationship again is such an undesirable and bleak thing. Why would I want to be so vulnerable again? It's just not worth it. Ugh. Lame!

!Quiero que me quieras!

The Art of Being Straight

I NEED to see this! Looks uber hot.

Will We be Having Sex with Robots and Marrying Them by 2050?

God willing. We can only hope. I especially like the part of marrying robots. It's gonna happen!

Goddess

When I saw Melvin at anatomy class yesterday, the first thing he said to me (after hello) was, "Oh! And congrats on your countryman," upon which I blinked, uncomprehending before he clarified with, "Manny Pacquiao." Wayne has mentioned him, and Mckenzy has "become his fan" on facebook. Even my anatomy teacher mentioned the Pacman in class yesterday, holding a boxer's stance and holding her fists up...and eventually managed to connect Pacman and boxing to the anatomy lesson of the day. It surprises me and then warms my heart to hear non-Filipinos talk about him and rave about him. Pacman has given the Philippines some positive visibility, and I love him for it.

Below is more evidence that Tilda Swinton is a goddess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The self-confessed "art world freak," who won a best supporting actress Oscar last year for "Michael Clayton," plays a 40-year-old flamboyant, lying alcoholic in "Julia," which opens in some U.S. theaters on Friday.

"I'm so aware very often when you see alcoholism in films, people tend to emphasize something that I don't really recognize in the alcoholics I know and love, which is a kind of loser quality," Swinton told Reuters in a recent interview.

"I don't think of alcoholics as losers, particularly. Alcoholics tend to number the most energetic and fantastic people I know. So I was always thinking it would be nice to look at that kind of portrait," she said.

Swinton, 48, confessed that due to her own drinking experience -- "If I get drunk, I throw up or I go to sleep," the actress said -- she was concerned as to whether she could successfully "stagger around being drunk" in the film.

"But once I started, I realized that I've actually been doing that for years because my friends are drunk and I pretend to be drunk," said Swinton, who lives in the Scottish Highlands with artist John Byrne and their 11-year-old boy and girl twins.

Bowel Movement

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Fuck

Fuck!

Proprioception

Professor DB looked into my eyes for a long time during class today. She was demonstrating/explaining how the right and left lobe works in facial and name recognition, and she used me for her demo. She stared into my eyes while she spoke...the demo went on for a rather long time. Instead of getting squirmy and weird under her steady light brown-eyed gaze, I felt entirely comfortable. I was like a flower that was basking in the sun, opening it's petals as wide as it can, trying to absorb the sun rays with a wide petalled hug. I really like this teacher, and I was taking that moment to let her know with my eyes. There are so many things we do not say. It is taboo, it is uncool, it's just not said. I have had so much negative experiences with science teachers in the past that I expect them to treat me really badly. But I really like this teacher. She's a revelation. I think I was comfy under teacher's gaze because her gaze was so friendly. An "appreciative glance"is how Dr. Schwyzer would call it. Versus the "penetrating gaze." But this was a steady and appreciative gaze. I felt appreciated. It felt good. I think she was admiring my eye makeup. It was kinda flashy today.

Yeah, right!

"Laura, I'm your therapist. The parameters and limitations are established and ethically defined. I am not an option."
-Paul

In Treatment

I had such a dreamy time yesterday that it's hard to focus on work. Or anything at all. I joined Sholeh and Melvin for swing dancing at the Verdi club yesterday, and it was so fun. I looked like ass, but I think that was good. I wanted to dress up, but Sholeh is a no-frills kinda gal, and I didn't want to upstage her by wearing my geisha layers or embarrass myself for trying too hard. I was also reminded how appearance sets up expectations. If I went there looking all dolled up guys might think I knew how to dance really well. The lesson went well. Melvin learned really fast--so fast that the teacher, this cutie patootie named Tanoa (Hot! Original name!), singled Melvin out. Sholeh wasn't bad either. As soon as the lesson was over the Stompy Jones band started to play, and I looked across the dance floor and saw my old swing dance teacher from years ago. I went over and said hello, and soon we were dancing together. As soon as the guys in the room saw that I knew how to follow I had a bunch of guys asking me to dance back-to-back. Sholeh called me "the belle of the ball"--which was nice. I was looking around, trying to find someone young, cute, a good dancer...but the only hottie was the teacher who is obviously too good for normal folk. Of course that meant I had to ask him to dance with me because I knew I would feel unsatisfied until I had danced with a good lead who was also gorgeous. Our first dance was a slow one, but the second was faster. I only expected him to dance with me once, so I was grateful for the second dance. We lindy hopped for the second dance, and I was so happy! He is tall, and so his breath would land somewhere on my face, and it was so nice...nice breath, cute guy, great bod...drooool. At one point we were going so fast that my face would bump across his chest/shoulder, and I had this urge to bite on his shoulder. Hotties make you want to bite them. When it was over he looked at me and (reluctantly it seemed) told me I was "good." YAY! The weird look on his face tells me I have so much more to learn. I felt like his face said I was fairly tolerable at dancing. Kind of confusing. I guess good is better than bad. *sigh* It sucks that I'm always sorta...midrange in dancing skills. I'm like a master at basics in salsa and swing...but never good enough to feel magical or fully graceful on a dance floor. Before, the only dance I felt any connection with was salsa and east coast swing, but now I can say I can decently do the basic lindy hop. I hope one day I can get good enough not to feel embarrassed. Gosh that guy was cute! He was helping Melvin and Sholeh with the basics, and I stood by my friends grinning like an idiot, staring at Tanoa like he was a piece of meat. Which he is. *droooool*

A's for Everybody

I am suffering from a premature case of Hero Worship. Hero and Heroine Worship! Melvin and Shaleh are two cool cats from my anatomy class that make me drool with how nice and good-natured they are. They are eons smarter than everyone else, bizarrely humble and aw-shucks about it, and FUNNY AS HELL. Compared to the cutthroat bitches and freaks that you usually find in an impacted competitive pre-nursing class, these two shine brighter than the sun. Too bad they aren't nursing majors. It would be heaven to have them with me on this journey. They might be taking physio though. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow. I hope I don't drool and embarrass myself more than usual!

Guapissimo

Below is a quote from E Online. It basically confirms why Gilles Marini is my husband. Sis and I are Gilles Marini-crazy. I go through different phases in types of attraction to people. There was my ex and his dirty blonde hair. But when I look at Gilles, who cares about blondes? Give me that French Greek Italian Sex God any day.

"As if his dashing good looks and smooth dance moves weren't enough, Dancing With the Stars' hunky frontrunner Gilles Marini just gave us one more reason to adore him.

E! News caught up with the star backstage after tonight's elimination show and asked for his two cents on how Cheryl Burke's weight had been a topic of discussion in the press and on the fan boards.

Read on to find out what Gilles' fantastic response is...

"If women look like her," Gilles tells us, "that would be the perfect world. She doesn't need to change anything. Who likes stick-skinny girls? Where's the flavor? Whoever likes those stick-skinny girls never had sex before in their life."

Bravo, Gilles. Bravo."

Dios Mio, Man

We have a murderous practical and written exam coming up, and everyone is freaking out. I am terrified of the coming tests. And here I had fantasies of taking both Physio and Micro in the Fall. Yeah fucking right. If I can barely handle one mega science class, what makes me think I could handle two? Creepy stalker guy was at it again. He sits near me in lecture, and would turn and shyly smile at me when anyone said anything funny in class. I could tell he wanted me to laugh and smile and look back at him, and just knowing that makes me my face stern and serious and angry-looking. After his creepy email cards filled with love poetry I had told him I wasn't interested in him at all (I gave him my email when I thought he was normal, but classmates later told me that he stares at me all through class). I said I just want to do well in school. No romance. None. He responded by saying he was glad I was honest with him, that he could tell someone hurt me badly in the past, and that he likes talking to me in class. Gag. Sure, someone did hurt me, but my lack of interest in him does not reflect a wounded heart. My disinterest reflects standards in men! He still hovers around from time to time. I feel his icky eyes on me, watching my face, keeping track of my position in the room. When we moved to the lab he was making a show of "taking pictures" of some bones in my direction. I had this feeling he was just trying to take a pic of me so I turned my back towards him. He then called my attention for no reason at all, just saying he was taking pics of some bones near me. I think he thought I would hold them so he could take a pic of me holding the bones, but I said, "Let me get out of your way," and got the hell out of his picture view. They say you have to be cruel to be kind. I have been nothing but ice cold to this guy. I have kept it civil because I have some compassion for pathetic fools who are in love with someone they can't have (Been there, done that! Thanks, K!), but his weirdness has brought it to a whole new level. I wonder if it would come off like bragging if I told some of my new study group buddies. I am a little afraid of him. I want them to keep an eye out for me. I carry my pepper spray around visibly whenever I am on campus. I've never considered myself a magnet for sexy desirable men (who does, really?) but at least in middle school and high school the dudes who fancied me who I didn't like back were normal. They were undesirable because they were awkward and shy or too nerdy or reaked of hormones and lusty yucky pubertal-boy-cootiness. They were normal. Some of them were actually damn cute...just not "mature enough for me" or "smart" (Gag. I can hear my high school self now. At this point, I don't care. Good looking, sweet, and dumb as rocks sounds fun right now. I'd be like: "Shhhh! Shut it! I'm not dating you for your mind, hot stuff..."). At least back in high school there was a high chance that the dude who liked you was normal. Or if he was a perv, probably not all that sexually experienced enough to be too aggressive (well. I avoided those guys like the plague). And old men knew to leave you alone. At least there were laws against it. Now that I've been legal (translation = old gross men think they can fuck me now. Aughhhh!) for a while now I feel like I have no protection against unwanted attention. Yucky men look me up and down with no shame, old or creepy-looking men actually approach me unashamedly, pursuing romance. I wish I could tell them, "Just look at you! You're an old ass fucker! Go get yourself someone your own age! What do you want to do--ruin my gene pool?"

Whoa. Here She Comes!

Breakfast: apple
water

Lunch: large salad with strawberries and balsamic vinaigrette
one cup white & brown rice combo
1 cup cornbeef and tomato
water

Snack: small slice of Dutch crunch demi loaf, heavily buttered (yummm)

Currently baking a yam in my Toast-R-Oven. I had hoped my bread-and-butter snack would tide me over until dinner, but I'm still wanting food.

Dinner: large green salad with two large strawberries, pecans, raisins, and balsamic vinaigrette
two large mushroom pizza slices from Lanesplitters
water

Let's Go

Good Girl

I just realized I haven't had Ramen since the year began. *Gives self a pat on the back and a large sticker*

Fascinating! Wacko!

"'Fascinating! Wacko!' is how Jean-Pierre Rehm, general delegate of the Marseille International Documentary Festival, described Morgan Dews's "Must Read After My Death," the winner of the International Competition's Grand Prix."
-Joan Dupont

I am adding "Must Read After My Death" to my list of documentary films that I've been wanting to see. The title of the article where I got the above quote is: "Family tapes lay bare a domestic horror show." Titillating, isn't it? I can't watch it now. Too scared. Maybe in Halloween time. The typical existence of horrific circumstances within supposedly comforting, safe, loving institutions is scarier than any horror movie. I am fascinated with this film because it makes me think about the creepy murky secrets within my family...and it makes me feel normal. Although the articles about this movie suggest a sort of...hysteria and judgment in it's understanding of the film, I think it might be more useful to see how usual it is that families are not perfect. They just aren't. They are often harborers of terrifying and depressing secrets. But they persevere, and they leave legacies on people. It's usually from these legacies that really lovely, profound, and slightly crazy people are made.

I haven't been sleeping because I've become obsessed with my anatomy class. A few hours of sleep have become normal for me. So has the sudden attack of exhaustion that will hit me in the middle of the day. At one point I was obsessed with my bio class, but anatomy has taken over. When I looked at myself in the mirror I didn't recognize myself. My eyes have dark circles and my face looks slightly warped. That was when it hit me that I need to get more sleep. But despite my haggard outer shell my spirit is happy and excited. I got an A on the first Anatomy quiz and it has made me a ridiculously joyful idiot. I have never received an A on a science quiz in my entire life. I am over the moon. So now I am obsessed with maintaining high marks. It's so bizarre. I am actually considering canceling my netflix subscription. It might actually happen. I only have eyes for science these days. Fascinating! Wacko!

You've got to pay the troll toll...

I was running around doing errands when I caught my reflection against a window. I expected to see my regular old face the way it looks when unadorned. I was surprised to find that my eyebrows had grown so wild that there was something manic in my eyes, something wild. My eyebrows have overgrown to the point that I look slightly crazed, possibly insane. Here is a sketch I have made of my gorgeous self:

I haven't done a self-portrait since I was in grade school (Which was painstakingly constructed in the form of a paper mosaic. I went to bed around 6am trying to finish that thing, and I only got a B. Despite my teacher's harsh grading, I remain proud of that self-portrait. It captured who I was at that age (11, I think): an overly serious and nerdy-looking girl. The portrait is quite severe), so I was actually quite pleased with the way this drawing turned out. It doesn't exactly look like me, but you can sorta see how my eyebrows have given my face a primal look of dangerous hobo-glamour. When I saw myself, I heard my father's voice saying: "Saddul eyebrows!" It's my Turkish great grandfather making his genetic presence known in the bump on my nose, and in my succulent eyebrows.

While waiting for the train while at Rockridge station I saw this beautiful aquatic-looking girl. She walked towards me and then sat beside me, and I had the hardest time keeping myself from staring at her. It was her hair: like fire, a natural bright orange. She made it more prominent by wearing this beautiful blue floral dress, dark blue knee-highs, and these arty shoes. She was all the colors in Van Gogh's Starry Night. Well, more like The Cafe Terrace...

Anyway...I couldn't resist. I turned to her and said, "Your hair...your dress...it's beautiful! You look like art!" And instead of looking at me as if I was a creepy stalker-weirdo like a normal person would, her entire body shifted towards me, and she revealed herself as an average-looking young woman with a ruddy complexion, a plump rounded nose, with clear-blue eyes. She smiled "Thanks" and looked like she was basking in worship the way cats do. I told her it must be such a pleasure to dress herself, since one of her biggest accessories is within herself-her gorgeous hair. "Oh yes!" she purred, basking some more, smiling and melting, clearly enjoying the attention. We ended up chatting some more when our train arrived. She's a fine artist (of course!), loves textiles, glass-blowing, and painting. I told her I only doodle, but I appreciate artists and art... I told her my sister was a New Media artist...

Then it was time for me to transfer trains. We said goodbye, and she yelled at me as I headed up an escalator away from her: "Keep doodling!" So I am doodling. Inspired by this young woman with fiery hair who loves compliments! Here is my drawing of her:



What is funny is there is something in her demeanor that said she wasn't conceited, even though she didn't seem one bit embarrassed by all my comments. There is something about her response that was so unpracticed, unrehearsed, joyful, unselfconscious, naive, and happy. Like children, when you let them know how magical they are, and they say, "I know!" without any false modesty or anything.

Chanticleer

Happiness

Yay!

The Night is Ripe with Possibility

This beautiful flowers on my kitchen table are a gift from from my coworker on her last day. They are very beautiful and made me very happy.

It is Arts and Crafts Night at the apartment right now. Caroline and her friend Vanessa have busted out some beautiful paper, different magazines, glue sticks, scissors, rhinestones, crayons, markers, and colored pencils. My room is an unholy mess so I am tidying while listening in and occasionally joining in their conversation. If I can get my shit together fast enough I hope to join them and create something beautiful too!

Keepin' 'er regular

I went to bed last night fighting against a very queasy stomach. I've had this awful feeling in my stomach ever since I did that 6+ hour drive up here. I spent that entire drive imagining violent car crashes, looking at my mom in the passenger seat, and praying that I would be the only one hit. That way, the guilty culprit is the only one to go. My parents are calling me every day, suggesting I take different routes to work, pushing me to start driving. I am scared shitless. I told Brian that I imagine that everyone on the road is out to get me. I don't feel this weird about driving in So. Cal. People there seem less blood thirsty. Plus, I grew up there...LA is familiar and less freakish. Drivers over here seem overly excited for blood. Everyone drives as if they have a death wish. Dad says I passed the driving test because I followed his car from LA up here. He got confused and took the wrong lane, and we ended up in SF at first. From there we had to turn around to get to the EB. After all those hours my eyes ached, and I had to squint to force them to focus. I was also dizzy and mentally exhausted. But dad's look of amazement when we finally arrived was worth it. It meant a lot for my dad to say that. He never gives away compliments. Now if I can just get over my own bullshit and start driving around here.

5 push ups
10 sit ups

6 am: tall glass of water with Metamucil
bowl of Special K fruit & yogurt cereal w/milk

9 am: leftovers from Denny's: steak fajitas w/ omelette, onions, and tiny green peppers. Protein-fest. water

5 side exercises

I've figured out what gives me this queasy feeling. It's the Metamucil! I can feel it expanding in my stomach. It makes me feel weird. Maybe I should cut back.

The holidays was perfect. I got to see all my favorite people, spend a lot of time with family, play a lot of clarinet with my mom, read a little, watch some movies with family, and get that emotional whole-ness I get from doing all that.