Cicciolina

Alegria

1. Hanging out with Megan! Yay!

2. Chillin' with family and not making any mistakes when played clarinet for Lolo

3. Getting parents to watch 3 episodes of "Ugly Betty" with us, and noticing how much mom loved it

It sounds like a cat's tongue feels

Stephanie Zacharek's description of Jason Statham's voice. Sounds like she's a fan!

Good thangs:

1. Got lots of nutritious sleep today.

2. Went to the dentist and discovered the source of my toothache! There were a couple cavities! They (dentist-folk) were really nice, and cleaned my teeth, and operated and injected me with meds, and I left with swollen chipmunk cheeks. It is such a relief to have been seen by the dentist finally.

3. They put on a movie (as they always do) as they attacked my teeth. And because I am a girl they always put on the worst chick flicks ever. I usually don't know what is worse: the pain I receive from these movies, or the pain from the dentist teeth work. I was forced to watch "Made of Honor" which was not as horrible as I thought it would be. I spent so much time ridiculing it when I first saw the trailers for it, that I was surprised how much I didn't hate it. I don't love it, or even like it, but I don't hate it with a murderous passion as I usually do with these mundane chick flicks. That was a relief!

A Heap of Broken Images

I found an old essay I wrote as a freshman in high school describing my views on the meaning of life, religion, and even homosexuality. It wasn't an outstanding paper, but I'm not entirely ashamed of it. I basically decided that life was for having fun. And that I didn't understand "prejudism against gays." On one hand I look at the paper and wonder who that person was. I mean...I wrote: "I live life with one word on my mind: fun." Weird! I can't even remotely understand that mentality now. It's not that fun isn't important to me, but the idea that it would be my main life philosophy is so alien to me. It's so divorced from my current mentality that I wonder if I was lying to myself. Or just writing ditzy because I was a teenager and felt an obligation to play the part. I was about to write that I wasn't a hedonistic party-fiend at 16, but I suddenly remembered that I did have a bit of fun.Maybe it's just my goddamn job that has me being all old and negative and shit. My cursive was actually kinda cute.

Three Positive Thangs:

1. Flossing and brushing is the best. I have a little toothache, and flossing and brushing gives me some mental relief. I am off for a morning appointment to the dentist tomorrow, and am bracing myself for a lecture about cavities or something. But yeah...flossing and brushing--good acts, good-for-you, good times.

2. Lip balm is the best! My lips are very happy right now cuz I finally got something for them. I forgot to pack balm, and managed to get some stuff right now. If my lips could kiss me, they would.

3. The reign of the bloody noses is over. It was a brief period...a few hours last night, when my cold transformed into a nightmarish blood-fest. Thankfully it was a short period, and my nose is getting less and less congested every day. I have been able to taste all my meals for two days straight. I must be getting better!

Gustavo Dudamel

Nice Things:

1. Made my flight home! Was exhausted and feverish and crazed, but I somehow made it, and I had a relatively chill flight. I had an aisle seat, and there was a blank seat next to me, and then a middle-aged man by the window who smiled and said "Hello" pleasantly when I decided to sit in his row. I was awake through all but 5 minutes of the short flight (I usually try to nap to avoid my plane nausea), and it was fine.

2. Mom and dad were so joyous and happy. We had sinigang, beef steak, and nilaga for lunch, and it was so great.

3. Was finally able to play the piano-clarinet duet pieces that I had photocopied and mailed to mom months ago. Having practiced the pieces a bunch of times up in the East Bay, I was able to play decently with mom. Mom and I both thought my sound was great today.

4. Jet is back from his two weeks in the Philippines! He is still my brother, which means he still says weird things that irritate me or make me scratch my head (as I am certain he thinks I'm from Mars too), but it is nice that he is back safe and sound. Mom and dad were trying to needle him into sharing cool stories about his adventures but he didn't have too much to say ("Being secretive!" Dad said when bro had left the room). He did tell us about his eating adventures (after I prodded him to tell us his best eating experiences). He listed off the great food he ate at one particular place...and I just got so hungry thinking about it

Ischial Tuberosity

I've neglected my three positive things because I've been in the dumps lately. Which I shouldn't be doing since the exercise is supposed to help fend off the dumps. I should be doing it especially during the dumps. Ugh. Why are the things that are good for you always hard to do or yucky to taste? Anyway, I need to make myself do this.

1. Got to know my temporary therapist a bit more today. We had an interesting session to say the least. Stacey (that's her name) is so beautiful that it takes my breath away, and I am so damn distracted during our sessions. During therapy I am very open and vulnerable, and talk a mile a minute, and cry my eyes out, but when I am with her I am also thinking: "Day-um! She's gorgeous!" At one point it just spilled out, I told her I thought she was very beautiful, and asked her embarrassing questions about it. I mean, it was just an embarrassing situation all in all. It just spilled out, and she looked relieved. She spoke honestly about it...telling me she gets insecure too, has bad days too, gets hurt too, etc. I guess she could tell that I was in awe of her, and it was like this weird big elephant in the room. She isn't beautiful in a scratch-her-eyes-out-kinda-way. She isn't beautiful in a rrrowrrr kinda way (well...a little bit). She's beautiful in a gasp-wow, the air you breath must be cleaner than anything, and I bet your shit smells like roses and you've never farted in your life-beautiful. Very New England, East Coast, Town and Country magazine, regal and yet relaxed beautiful. I was horribly red and embarrassed as we spoke about it, at one point covering my face because it was just too weird that I was talking about it so frankly. But we were both being very honest and open to each other, and I apologized later for putting her on the spot, and she told me she was grateful that I was open with her, and stuff like that. She told me that with other clients she has to be the one to mention it...which means that she must intimidate other people as well. It was so weird because while I was very fortright with her, asking her questions about her beauty, she was sorta shy in her answers with me. She never outright said the words back, but her answers revealed she knew exactly what I was asking. She used euphemisms ("what we are talking about" or "this subject"). It is bizarre and weird how the subject of beauty is kinda taboo and embarrassing for people who are naturally beautiful. All this talk while I am sick as HELL, feverish, with leaky faucet for a nose, and a murderous headache. I could have canceled our appointment but the week had been going so roughly that I couldn't bear to cancel therapy. Anyway. Me, looking like a royal mess looking into goddess supreme's cool blue eyes...she looked back at me with the most compassionate and understanding eyes. And she told me that when my normal therapist's time with me is over (Jade will be back with me for the rest of December, and then she will be gone), she would like to be my permanent therapist in January. Which I accepted. I'm not sure if it's the best thing to have a therapist who looks like an absolute goddess. With Jade I'd not feel too weird about mentioning my attraction to women or anything (Because Jade is wonderfully normal-looking!). But with Stacey I get really shy and flustered and weird. Anyway, I told my mom about the weird beauty of my temporary therapist, and she said, "Now you know how other people feel when they see you..." which is sweet and obligatory and also annoying. Part of me wishes I had that power, and part of me is glad I'm a normal human being. People are suspicious of extraordinarily beautiful people. They suspect that they aren't really human, that everything is handed to them, that they never hurt. And it's a damn lie...as Stacey told me today (and I already know that logically, but sometimes my brain goes out for long walks). I would hate to be dehumanized and objectified more than I would enjoy the perks of being liked only for an exterior shell. La di da di da....

2. Had to cancel on a bunch of cool stuff I was going to do this weekend with friends. What's nice about this? Well, it's an investment on my health. So I am going to applaud myself for not further subjecting my health to the elements by going out clubbing or to a football game. And for not endangering my poor friends with my sick germs. Instead I am in my warm apartment having an "Ugly Betty"-fest with Caroline, bonding with my seester, and letting my immune system relax. Good times.

3. Someone beside me sneezed on the bus today, and I decided to ignore my scared-of-people-on-public-transportation-thing and cynical-attitude-about-scary-people-in-the-East-Bay, and found some tissue in my purse to hand to the sneezer. It turned out to be this cute 12-year-old-boy, who shyly took the tissue and wiped his nose after saying "Thanks." I immediately felt like a protective mother and had good feelings for the rest of the ride home.

Transverse Process

I need to make myself write the three positive things on the day, and not the day after. Somehow I think the exercise is supposed to force me to think positively when one is not feeling so hot, and not wait til I've had some time for bad feelings to go away.

1. Hung out at the nursing center yesterday. I had been practicing all morning some new pieces on my clarinet --and was feeling alright about it-- but when I sat down to play for everyone at the nursing home my hands shook and my head began to spin. I messed up a whole bunch in the beginning, getting confused about how many flats and sharps were in each piece, and just being downright rattled in general. The good news is I stuck it through, managed to get my bearings, and by the end had good ol' Jack and his beautiful wife totally rapt as I played their favorites. I would call out the name of each song and two things would happen: first Jack would say, "What?" and his wife would tell him, or she would hear the title and arc an eyebrow, looking pleased. The second thing that would happen is that the two Filipino male nurses (one of them about my parent's age) would speak in tagalog about my music choices...and thankfully it was all positive stuff. I would hear these two different groups say that I was playing all their favorites. "You are playing all the music we know!" Jack's wife said at one point. Which made me damn happy because I had purposefully sought out music of the 30s and 40s. Music for the seniors...music my grandparents would love.

2. I visited Victoria at her bedside (she is bedridden) and helped her during her lunch. She was trying to stab an entire meat patty and was having a hard time. So I cut it into pieces and helped position the fork in her shaky hands so she could eat easier. She told me "Not only are you very beautiful, but you also have a very big heart. I am not your family or your friend, who am I? I am a stranger to you! And yet you help me! God bless you!" She was saying this as I was leaning over her, trying to cut her grotesque lunch meat into small portions. It was a really nice thing for her to say, and I tried not to get emotional when she said it. Then I just sat with her as she told me about the time George Bush came down and sat with her and hung out. The first time I met her she told me it was Ronald Reagan. She had once been a nurse and taken care of Ronald Reagan when he was sick in the hospital. I totally believed her. So either she has confused George Bush with Ronald Reagan, or she is demented and says a lot of fantastic stories because her mind has taken off in different directions.

3. Always fun to watch "Dancing with the Stars" with sis.

Inferior Pubic Ramus

Doesn't that title just sound rude?

Three Cool THings About Yesterday:

1. Was able to keep my cool when the girls were being really disrespectful. Did not lose my temper or get emotional.

2. Was able to clean up the apartment in time for visit from D.

3. Offered to host Dennis on his first Kevin Smith experience, having him watch "Dogma." I personally think "Dogma" is one of KS's more ambitious and enjoyable films. Not sure if KS is Dennis' cup of tea though. Hard to tell until Dennis sees more conventional KS stuff like "Clerks" or (gag) "Mallrats." I think sis and I did a good job hosting D. The apartment is pretty rockin' right now, downright cozy and neat.

Anterior Nasal Aperture

Three Cool Things About Today:

1. Cleared up sink again (never-ending dishes). Always feel better when that sink isn't crazy.

2. Got sis to see "Planet B-Boy!" Yay!

3. Phone call with Didi! Yay! Happiness!

8 1/2 Women

Three Cool Things About Yesterday:

1. Made home-made tomato and oyster mushroom soup. It came out very tasty!

2. Washed a shit load of dishes. They had been sitting in the sink all week, slowly turning into skyscrapers of dishes, mugs, utensils, pots and pans. I formed them into neat piles and dove in, not coming up for air until I could see the bottom of the sink, and my hands were properly charred.

3. Got some nice compliments about my hair from the gals at the All-Staff meeting. One chick told me she would cut hers like mine too if she had "any balls." I like the message: I have balls. Big brass ones! At one point my boss came over and complimented me, and then the office butch hottie, Gina--who was behind me and listening in--was murmuring agreement when she suddenly ran some fingers quickly against the hair on the back of my head. We all called in for the meeting right when that happened, so I didn't get to enjoy that sensation for very long. I quickly regressed into school-girl state, rushing to my coworker to share the exciting news. I was very much tempted to ask for a scalp massage when I was at the hair salon the other day. Such a marvelous sensation.

It's the "feel-strange" family movie of the season!

I hacked my hair off! It feels so liberating! I can't stop running my hands through my hair and staring at myself every time I pass by the mirror. I am wearing a bandana to keep the hair around my face from touching my face too much, so the previous body and lift that it used to have has flattened out.

I called on Mr. Bore, the dude I was sorta seeing, to check on him. He has recently been fired from his job, and is understandably freaked out. I was trying to be empathetic by calling. He was kinda brusque and cold on the phone. He did seem pissed when I told him I cut my hair. It must be the job thing. Anyway, I feel I did my duty with that situation, and have no more obligations with that dude. We were both invited to a party tomorrow, and I am tempted not to go just to avoid seeing him. I consistently got a bad after-taste every time we hung out, and every time I hear him speak. It's truly a good thing that that lame whatchamacallit is over! The slate is clean, and I feel safe and pure.

Tres Leches:
1. Pleased with haircut! I showed the stylist the two looks I was going for (one was my usual favorite--the short bob, and the other one was "safe"and not too freaky--a medium length cut with layers). I told her I could not decide, and she chose for me. She insisted I get the shorter cut, but then she managed to combine both looks in one. Amazing. Some of these hair stylists are magicians!

2. Did not eat too much crap. Feel at peace with my meals for today.

3. Tidied up my room! Hooray! I can see the floor!

y mas...

4. Feeling great that I managed to make peace with Dennis. I could tell he has been harboring weird feelings and stuff, and by making myself swallow my pride and be a little nice, I made his day the other day. It's funny how much easier it is to be nice to certain people, but it's so hard to be nice to others.

5. I did a few exercises around the apartment. Basically, 5 push ups, and some side exercises. And a few minutes of crazed dancing when I put on some hip hop a few hours ago. Always feel better about myself if I can sneak in some push ups and/or crunches in my life routine. Having fantasies of having more defined arms...

6. Sis approved of my hair! Almost forgot about that. Big deal for me. It gave me such a large feeling of relief to know she liked it. Yay!

La Noche Buena

(Happiness Enhancement Exercise)

1. The diversity and equity training was great! Got lots of cool tools.
2. The seats of my boss' car heat up. It was an icy morning, and sitting in that car on the long drive to the training was wonderful, My tush was so toasty and pleased.
3. Toni, the girl I tutor, lovvved the cool erasers I got her. I gave her two: one was a set of "dessert-looking" erasers, and the other was one of those erasers that has a wheelie-thing that collects eraser shavings. She had never seen an eraser with the wheelie thing before, and lovved it so much. Erasing things became a big production.
4. Pho for dinner = Yay!

Three Positive Things About Yesterday

1. The kids really liked Catchphrase.
2. My temp. therapist was gorgeous and really nice!
3. Dinner out. Yay!

Let Me Find Out

Breakfast:
1.5 cups of rice
9 oz. fried spam
6 oz. garlic sausage
1 large salad (Finally. Jeez!)

Lunch:
1 cup of rice
9 oz. bangus

Dinner:
1 large salad
2 cups of rice
12 oz. chicken adobo
1 cup green grapes

5 pathetic push ups
8 crunches
30 side exercises

So for some reason everything today made me feel like crap. And every time I see my face in the mirror I see betrayal. Today, as I was washing off the day's makeup I found more betrayals: stupid zits coming out of nowhere. I felt so pissed because it's not like I've been gauging my face or anything. In fact, I've been good with keeping the hands away, and washing up at night and all that. Lately it seems like the eyes on my face are spaced incorrectly, my skin has the consistency of a bullfrog, and my hair is threatening to strangle me because it gets caught everywhere since it is freakishly long (time for a little snip). It was, as my bro would call it, my sudden "crater face" that gave me my "Eureka!" moment, and I dashed to my pills, took a look, and realized I was on my PMS week. Figures!

International House of Pancakes

Brunch:
3 harvest grain pancakes, buttered and with syrup
generous bite of bacon and egg cheeseburger
12 oz. orange juice

Dinner:
1 bowl miso soup
1 cup of rice
9 oz. unagi
1 shrimp tempura
1 brocolli tempura
1 yam tempura

2 cups green tea

I run between what I remember, and what is forgotten.

http://www.thedocumentaryblog.com/index.php/2008/04/21/hot-docs-review-betrayal-nerakhoon/

There are several movies I am anticipating, but I am especially interested in "The Betrayal." The above review sangs it's praises, and I am haunted by the images and sounds from the trailer. Something about anyone from Southeast Asia. At random moments, I might see a Southeast Asian face and my heart will ache, and I feel as if there is a string tied to a part of my heart that is connected to theirs. Other times I might see such a face and feel alienation and pain because it reminds me of my own Otherness, if I am having a particularly internalized racist moment. Anyway. That review pretty much gives the whole story away. I wonder if my desire to see it is an act of masochism, considering that I am pretty sure it will hurt too much to watch, that I will cry buckets, and be completely devastated. But it might be cathartic to vomit out those emotions, especially since this is a documentary, and this was/is real. I think, as I get older, I can tolerate watching emotionally devastating movies a lot more than when I was younger.

Milagro

"We have never been a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America."
-Barack Obama


A Canadian friend posted "Yes We Can! Yes We Did!" on his facebook. I love that so much of the rest of the world is as overjoyed as we are by Obama's win.

Rain, rain, go away

The rain is pissing me off. And the girls at work.

Halloween

The whole weekend was a sugar and starch-fest. It kept me in a very relaxed and sloth-like state.


Weather:
*Very gloomy and soggy weather. A very rainy weekend.

Outside:
*cold and miserable

Inside Apartment:
* Warm and cozy! And decorated with my cheerful cobwebs and smiling pumpkin.





Food:
* Pasta alle Cinque Pi
* make-your-own-pepperoni-pizzas
* artichoke, spinach, and cheese appetizer thingies








Sweets! :
* rice crispies treat pumpkin

* lime jello with gummy worms
* big tin of candy bars

Beverages:
* mango juice & grape juice
* strawberry margaritas

Films:
* The Happening
* 28 Days Later
* The Invasion
* Carrie
* The Exorcism of Emily Rose


I did not think we were seriously going to get through all the movies but we did. I found myself liking them all in different ways. It was great to have Michelle with us (yay!).