What is your threshold?

The minimal stimulus that produces excitation of any structure, e.g., the minimal stimulus eliciting a motor response.


I have several amigas who want me to visit them. I bet they invite me with this light-hearted friendship thing. But it isn't received that way by yours truly. I feel crazy stressed by it cuz an invitation is such a lovely thing. But it is sorta impossible right now (financially). And saying "no" to lovely friends stings my tongue. Blah. Here is my list (written in order of who asked first). Maybe writing it out will keep it from staying in my head, a list of generous offerings / obligations / stress / guilt.

1. Didi in Pittsburgh (really want to go! Reeeeally)
2. Karla in Maryland
3. Mary in Arizona
4. Queenie in San Diego
5. Mangala in San Jose (the closest)

Amoxicillin

I've had a rough few days. My mind's been racing with a constant stream of incapacitating thoughts. A lot of "you suck!" kind of crap. It came when I found out I got a B on my first Physio test. I felt so good about that test. I was so ashamed and wrecked when I realized what I got...And I proceeded to feel worse when I found out who got the A's. Two of the more annoying women in my class got A's. It humbled me to pieces, and goodness knows how much I loathe being humbled when I'm in an insecure patch in my life. I've tried to self-medicate by sleeping a lot. I've felt exhausted from all my self-inflicted miserable thoughts. I've been drained...and felt unable to do shit. So I sleep. But when I sleep my dreams are full of nightmares. I've dreamed that I'm racing through town, always in a hurry...late to something. Or being tortured in some strange way. I wake up feeling worse. Feeling like there is no escape. I've been in this crazy rage that has kept me from focusing on what matters, and from noticing the positive parts of my life. I've just realized now that all of this is self-inflicted. Two things have pulled my head from the darkness:

1. The most annoying of the two women who got an A...she got a 90%. She told me about it today, and I was so horribly jealous and insecure. But then I suddenly saw, during lab, the many scars all over her wrist. I realized that she was a cutter. From the first day of class I noticed this humongous burn on her wrist. I guessed that her "I burned myself cooking something" story was a lie. It was too monstrous. Either she was in an abusive relationship of some sort, or she burned herself. For some reason I saw her doing it to herself. I just sensed it. Anyway. Her demeanor...arrogant and entitled but also slow as fuck (she asks the dumbest...most "why don't you just look it up yourself " questions)...irritating... and the way she carries herself...It is easy to read as arrogance and snottiness. But one can also see self-loathing. She carries herself with this permanent unhappy pained look on her face. The marks on her wrists and arms are so blatant. They scream: "Notice me! Notice my pain! Help me!" And to think that I felt this crazy rage when I found out she outscored me. She ceased to be a human. I felt jealously and resentment and insecurity combined with my own self-loathing and horror. I saw red when I found out she outscored me. It is embarrassing, my thoughts. When I saw the scars I was forced to pull out of my head. I felt her pain. I asked her about it, and she told me, with a sheepish, apologetic, and embarrassed smile, that "that was a long time ago." Yeah, right. I don't believe it for a second. This girl is pretty, very slender body, hip and stylish in a way I admire and would love to emulate(but it also doesn't call attention to itself, strangely), and apparently gets good grades even though she irritates my classmates a lot. I would think she was luckier than anything. But it goes to tell ya that one can never judge or really know a person. I was wrong to be so mad at her. And to dehumanize her. It's just a grade. And, all things considered, I really ought to be happy with my score. A "B" is a "B." This is Physiology, one of the hardest classes I have taken. Infinitely harder than Anatomy. I should give myself a break. And I need to STOP comparing myself to other people! Damn! It's a real problem.

2. I went through all my grades in Physio so far, and I realize "A's" and "B's" are all I have so far. I should be happy. I need to ease up on the self-loathing, and try self-acceptance and love for a change. It's just a good idea.

Happiness List:

1. There is still hope with school. There is a lot of hope. It is too early and frankly, ridiculous for me to give up on myself. There is a LOT of hope.

2. I have the best sister in the world. Loving parents. And good friends and family.

3. A classmate told me that when she first saw me, she thought I looked like a "Chinese princess." She thought I was beautiful. What a nice thing to tell me. I felt good after that.

4. I am 27...going into this journey. Some of my peers are 37. One particular woman in 56. I am relatively young. There is hope.

5. I have a new and beautiful flannel top. It makes me feel hot. It fulfills my dyke-ish / young hipster wannabe / wardrobe of Kristen Stewart in "Twilight" (ok, the entire cast of "Twilight") fantasies.

6. Tutoring Toni was pleasant. Her mom is a joy. I just love those two so much.

7. Classical music offers anxiety salvation. Thank God for classical music. A natural sedative and anxiety reliever.

So far....

Movies I Want to See:

1. A Single Man
2. Precious
3. Patrik, Age 1.5
4. New Moon
5. I Can Do Bad All By Myself
6. Inglourious Basterds
7. The Cove
8. Moon
9. Flame & Citron
10. No Impact Man
11. Shorts
12. The Proposal
13. Public Enemies
14. White on Rice
15. Good Hair
16.Where the Wild Things Are
17. Ong Bak 2: The Beginning

Manilatown is in the Heart

Happiness

1. The Ghiradelli Chocolate Festival was really insane. And fun. We truly overdosed on chocolate. What an absolutely luxurious experience.

2. I am blown away by the sweet pleasure of the company I was with. Jaena, Carmel, and my lovely sis were enchanting. It was a quiet and lovely sort of joy. It is such a gift to get to know people, to spend time with them, and to experience friendship. I am grateful.

3. Did I mention the chocolate? Damn! The Ghiradelli drinking chocolate was crazy! And the mini sundae. And the malt shake!!!

4. Happy about my new flannel top! I love it so much! It makes me feel young and trendy and slim (!!) and super cool!

5. This rainy weather is contemplative and a lil sadness-inducing. And also beautiful and dreamy!

6. Thank you to Al Robles....you passed away this May....but you are not forgotten. It is because of people like you that I have any stake in San Francisco....in this state....in this country. I am grateful to all Filipino American pioneers.

7. I am grateful for film....for providing avenues of escape. And possibility. And dissident thought!

Amino acids

Happiness Exercise:

1. I am so grateful for the feeling of peace and calm that came over me an hour before my Physiology test. It came and stayed with me all through the test...like a loyal friend. I don't know how it happened. I am so grateful.

2. I am grateful for friends.

3. I am grateful for my family. For relatives. Thanks to sis and mom and dad, for loving me a lot. It is a comfort to be loved. It is a gift.

4. I am grateful for my lovely pantry. Sis was right when she said we have such a great set up. It's true! I have more spices, teas, hot chocolate, and kitchen utensils/thinggmabobbers than I ever thought I could have. My pantry makes me happy.

5. I am glad for my time with my therapist. She is moved to another place, but it was a good, short time. I am grateful for her ears and sympathetic facial expressions. And her obscenely beautiful face.

Adobo Hobo

Happiness Exercise

1. Tutoring Toni and chatting with her mom has got to be the highlights of my week. Two of the loveliest people in San Leandro. I really love them very much, it's weird that we're not outright friends or family. I wish they were. I am lucky that they are in my life at all.

2. Feeling strangely relaxed this evening

3. Had a long ass conversation with my friend Queenie in the Navy. Haven't seen her in a year, and haven't talked to her for ages. She is all grown up, beautiful, independent, and smart as hell--as always. Intimidating woman. I remember how she used to be...a bit young and more light-hearted. There was a sadness in our conversation. I am grateful we are still in touch anyway. She was caring and thoughtful in her own odd Queenie way.

4. Ate really well today. Am proud of myself.

5. Got through 90% of my Physiology homework despite only sleeping 4 hours. Am amazed with myself that I didn't crash.

6. The breakfast mushroom omelette that sis made for me this morning was sooo delish!

7. Current episode of "Monarch of the Glen" was really joyful. Made me really happy.

8. Have a quiet feeling of hope, stubbornly clinging in me about certain things...

HOSTAGE: A Love Story

It is 3:13 am, and I had a very underwater-while-physically-upside-down-sensation all day. Spent a lot of the day being all stressed and feeling sorry for myself, and so that means it's time for me to count my blessings before I get lost in useless unpleasant feelings.

Happiness Exercise

1. I can't believe the amount of patience my mom has given me concerning my wretched and almost constant state of anxiety about my current career goals. I keep expecting her to kick me out of her life. To reject me. Instead she mostly remains very present when I talk to her, a task that is very difficult when I am whining and being annoying. I am amazed that she still loves me, seems to have some sort of faith in me (sort of. Considering my own feelings about my capabilities, I am grateful for any kind of faith). She continues to work on encouraging me in any way that she can. I expect to be orphaned, left out of the will, abandoned. That is the way these things go. But she remains in my life. A constant force. I cannot believe my good luck. I am grateful beyond words.

2. Despite my constant and manic anxiety over school, and despite all the obstacles I put in my path, I still have hope. Hope for myself. It is a beacon of light that shines faintly, but importantly. I remind myself that the task I have placed before me is one of the most difficult and terrifying things I have ever done, and it allows me to forgive myself for being so horrible and ungraceful about everything.

3. Am grateful for sis for continuing to forgive me while I act like a royal self-centered, self-pitying douche time and time again.

4. Am grateful for people like Zachary Quinto and shows like "Monarch of the Glen" for providing avenues for escapism during a particularly and inescapably mundane and tedious part of my life.

5. Am grateful for the hug my knockout beauty of a therapist, Stacy, gave me during our last session together. She was very sympathetic, and I was a mess. I am blown away by her kindness and sensitivity. I cannot believe she sat there through the entire thing. I owe her flowers or something. Or at least dinner, right? Haha. I cannot believe our sessions are coming to an end. I am grateful for the time I had with her.

I had better get to bed. I'm going to try to dream of Zachary Quinto...as a straight man....who wants a piece of my ass! Yes. In my dreams.

Monarch of the Glen

I'm such a grumpy pants that I feel I need to do this to keep my head from pickling with acidity.

Happiness Exercise:
1. Sis is with me after days and days of helping Keeya with her move. It is a comfort to have her nearby.

2. I think I did decently in my Drug Dosages class. I was hit with sleep DURING the test SEVERAL times, and had to fight to stay awake (I even made myself go over the exam painstakingly when I realized I had dozed off during many answers)....yet there was this moment when I felt myself mentally slap myself in the face, thinking, "Dammit, Christine. This is your fucking life. Ace this bitch now!" and I awoke with a painful desperation. Despite all, I think I did well. I really do.

I know the exhaustion and sleep was from helping Jonathan and Leo with their packing. At least the negative came from a positive thing. Helping friends in desperate need of help is a good thing.

3. I'm enjoying being in touch with old "flames" in FB. I thought it would be horrible/weird, and it's still weird...but it's intimate, somehow. I like the element of goodwill that passes through...a wave of positive energy that passes through the internet. An old....semi-"foe" is a facebook friend. It makes me feel warm and happy inside (definitely NOT talking about my ex)... It still tickles me to no end that RC added me on FB. I am so grateful that he has no ill will towards me. It means a lot.

4. My face is doing relatively well. It's pretty clear. Happy about that.

5. Not very bloaty. Figure is decent. I can live with it. It's alright.

6. Ate well too. One greasy meal, but I ate it out of frugality and duty, and not for binge-emotional reasons. Feeling alright about my meals today.

7. Watching certain scenes in Episode 7, Season 1 of "Monarch of the Glen" makes me drunk with giddyness.