HOSTAGE: A Love Story

It is 3:13 am, and I had a very underwater-while-physically-upside-down-sensation all day. Spent a lot of the day being all stressed and feeling sorry for myself, and so that means it's time for me to count my blessings before I get lost in useless unpleasant feelings.

Happiness Exercise

1. I can't believe the amount of patience my mom has given me concerning my wretched and almost constant state of anxiety about my current career goals. I keep expecting her to kick me out of her life. To reject me. Instead she mostly remains very present when I talk to her, a task that is very difficult when I am whining and being annoying. I am amazed that she still loves me, seems to have some sort of faith in me (sort of. Considering my own feelings about my capabilities, I am grateful for any kind of faith). She continues to work on encouraging me in any way that she can. I expect to be orphaned, left out of the will, abandoned. That is the way these things go. But she remains in my life. A constant force. I cannot believe my good luck. I am grateful beyond words.

2. Despite my constant and manic anxiety over school, and despite all the obstacles I put in my path, I still have hope. Hope for myself. It is a beacon of light that shines faintly, but importantly. I remind myself that the task I have placed before me is one of the most difficult and terrifying things I have ever done, and it allows me to forgive myself for being so horrible and ungraceful about everything.

3. Am grateful for sis for continuing to forgive me while I act like a royal self-centered, self-pitying douche time and time again.

4. Am grateful for people like Zachary Quinto and shows like "Monarch of the Glen" for providing avenues for escapism during a particularly and inescapably mundane and tedious part of my life.

5. Am grateful for the hug my knockout beauty of a therapist, Stacy, gave me during our last session together. She was very sympathetic, and I was a mess. I am blown away by her kindness and sensitivity. I cannot believe she sat there through the entire thing. I owe her flowers or something. Or at least dinner, right? Haha. I cannot believe our sessions are coming to an end. I am grateful for the time I had with her.

I had better get to bed. I'm going to try to dream of Zachary Quinto...as a straight man....who wants a piece of my ass! Yes. In my dreams.