Happiness List

Happiness Exercise

1. Not perfect, and quite dysfunctional, but still, I am thankful for my parents. They are my only parents, and they love me as best as they can.

2. Caroline (duh)

3. brothers, of course. Oldest bro is going to be spending Xmas and New Year's in the Middle East. He will be staying in a military base. I am scared about potential dangers. He is apparently making a lot of money for all this stuff. It sounds like it is all going to invitro fertilization. Jet appears to be going along with his life. He is still the most "healthy" (buff) of all of us, and I feel pride in his ability to maintain his peacock feathers. It is fun to have vain siblings.

4. I should realize that Golden Spoon is the safest and most meaningful manner through which ~ can be a friend. And, perhaps, the best way for me to spend time with her. She looks as tiny and petite as ever. No matter what Weight Watchers says, she looks more in shape than she was before!

5. Heart-breaking but good to see old roommate. A sweet soul.

6. A joy and privilege to see Manang Fe. I love her very much!

7. Was heart-warming to see Jet tend to Lolo all through Thanksgiving. I have the best brother ever! Lolo relished the attention, and told everyone about it. Jet is a class act.

8. Tita Bong looked great at the Thanksgiving gathering.

9. I was happy to spend some time with my cousins. Hearing their laughter is a happy drug for me. They get more glamorous and beautiful everyday. I am humbled and in awe of their youth and hope.

10. Jonathan picked me up from the airport and picked up sis after! I never ever thought I could have such a generous and giving friend. I am very lucky for him!

11. Just being back with Caroline is peace in my heart. She is a kind and generous sister and best friend.

12. My apartment is an absolute relief. And relatively warm compared to the outside and even our house in S Pas.

13. I don't care. All the Xmas songs give me some peace and hope in my heart.

14. I called D tearfully yesterday, and she was an absolute shoulder. Protective and loving. I am grateful that she remains my friend all these years. Through thick and thin, through millions of disagreements, we remain friends, despite it all. I remain in awe that this is so.

15. I am jealous but happy that sis has a much more joyous Thanksgiving. She deserves joy in every form imaginable.

VOMIT

Sick and tired of socially-embarrassing/ epsilon/ hideous/ caveman/low self-esteem/ ignorant/ uneducated/ undesirable men with "Asian fetishes." VOMIT. I wish there was a way to make these men just go away. Or to make them desire other kinds of women (I guess that's not fair to those women). Just because you are not an Asian male does not make you more desirable than my Asian male peers. You are not the object of my deepest hopes and desires. I'm Asian and female, I'm not trash. I'm not grateful that your White male ass is oggling me. I'm not easy to please. I'm complicated and contradictory, I'm passionate and profound and also ditzy and naive, I'm riddled with insecurities, but I'm also more confident, powerful and violent than you can ever imagine. I'll be as fat or as slim as I choose, I'll eat what I want, I'll clean and cook or leave my apartment a mess if I want, I'd rather be lonely and sex-deprived than let you ejaculate into me you nasty disgusting specimen of life. Go play your video games, or your AA or GA or whatever A meetings, and find yourself some other woman. A woman with self-esteem low enough to think you're the best she can ever do. But leave me the fuck alone!

Uriniferous tubules!

"The nephron and the collecting duct together are referred to as the uriniferous tubules." -from my Phyiology lab book.

Love this word: "uriniferous." It's an adjective. And it "conveys urine"--as in, "denoting the tubules of the kidney." Har har. Love it.

The hobo walked past, leaving an unmistakable uriniferous odor in his wake.

San Francisco is often uriniferous in many parts of town.

Before a child is potty trained, every location upon which it's tush has been in contact with will retain a uriniferous odor.

Not even sure if I'm using the word right, but it's fun using it.

Mood Gym

It is fun to do these Happiness Exercises when I am PMSing. It is downright cartoonish/freakish.

1. Grateful for Caroline. For saving my ass yesterday. I was just a wreck. And she was AWESOME. Times five. A mood-lifter. Just a hero.

2. Lovvvved tutoring Toni yesterday. I just adore her and her mom Suzanne. They are the most loveliest, most wonderful, fantastic people. I love them so much. SO MUCH. It's crazy. I have to pretend to be "normal" and chill around them, and I have to hide how goddamn cool I think they are.

3. When I was BARTing home yesterday after tutoring Toni I thought I lost my phone. Being hormonal I cried like a maniac. Imagine my surprise/joy when I got home and sis told me Suzanne said I left it in her car. I called Suzanne, and I am picking it up today after class. Thank God for that!!! Phone is not lost! YAY

4. Allowed myself to sleep a lot for the past couple of days cuz it's been so cold that sleep is the yummiest solution. I love sleep. It's so delicious.

5. Now that I am back (and not in So. Cal), I feel like I am eating better. My body is thanking me for it.

6. Woke up at 4am out of sheer worry over Physio. Secretly pleased that my body is in tune with my aspirations.

7. Made two sandwiches this morning. Very accomplished person I am

8. Discovered a new Faure song I now love.

You know...

Yesterday was a very, very hard day. It is PMS week, and everything felt agonizing yesterday. Caroline was a total life-saver.

I've been reading horrifying articles that reflect the horror in my heart right now. I have to remind myself that it's just my hormones....that the negative feelings, the feelings that the world hates me, all that lovely PMS shit--that it will be gone. I just have to ride it out. When it's like this, I can't see the forest for the trees, as my mom would put it. I just see madness and sadness and betrayal. The charming quirks of people, the flaws that make them human, become intolerable. Little snipes become catastrophic. I see treachery everywhere. But sis was a ray of sunshine. I am surprised that I didn't manage to bring her down with me. It is relief to know she is my twin. That there is a part of me that can be sunshine as well.

I have fantasies of having offspring...but I think (matching my PMS mood) that maybe I shouldn't.

Reasons not to reproduce:
1. autism
2. emotional/some physical/verbal abuse is almost always reproduced by the parent. Don't want to do that to anyone if I can help it!
3. lack of role models
4. selfish reasons in wanting a child
5. scared that I can't protect my offspring from certain perpetrators of crap (altho said person will likely have passed away...and, just like I said in #2, I might replace perpetrator of crap)
6. not financially stable yet (a.k.a. filthy rich. Cuz a happy child is only possible if you're stinkin' rich. Cuz money buys happiness. Yeah. That's been proven by looking at Paris Hilton, all the Kardashians, those rich kids in that Rich documentary...all mom's patients in psych...and all the lovely well-adjusted rich kids I've known through the years)

I've spoken at length with Karla, analyzing my motives for wanting a child, and she is very forgiving of me. She thinks I would be great. Her faith in me is warm and wonderful. Too bad I don't feel the same. Maybe when I am not PMSing?

Unusual Way

Irene's recital is haunting me. I am having the hardest time in focusing. I don't want to study when I am at home. Studying is such a lonely process, filled with self doubt and self loathing. I don't want to tap into that misery when I am at home. I would rather be with my Mom and Dad, and to absorb their love. I hate that Dad wants us to leave at 4am. It just makes me bonkers. I have yet to pack. The appointment to see Dr. Long was emotionally draining. I felt embarrassed talking about my problems. I felt like I was trying to convince someone that my stupid feelings mattered. It just feels cartoonish to bitch and moan in front of a sagely old man in the clinic area of his gorgeous, stunning Beverly Hills home. I mean, how could someone like that relate to someone like me? How can my problems even matter in the slightest? And then after, mom and I had a mini fight. And I am actually impressed with Mom...after I reacted sensitively to the words she said, she backtracked, and explained what she meant. And I felt her words make more sense.
Anyway. Irene sang so many gorgeous, stunning songs. All her songs felt like they were tiny wounds in my heart...all of them beautiful and a little sad. I am itching to go karaoke again. Itching!

It is very hard to do this. But I had promised sis ages ago that I would try.

Happiness

1. Jonathan has been a lovely friend. He has made himself a shoulder and an ear, and beyond generous. I am so grateful.

2. Leo is a level of cool that goes beyond high school bullshit. He is above all that, & is just so funny and cool and clever. He and Jonathan have deep levels of compassion, and...apparently forgiveness...for me. It covers my bruised and broken heart.

3. I will see my parents this weekend. I am scared about it. But they are loving and have not rejected me yet. I am theirs, and they have made me...and they still love me. I am grateful for their love.

4. Genki crepes are happiness. I am happy for the food I eat.

5. Caroline should be at the top. Thanks to Caroline for being with me everyday, even though I have been a special challenge this year. You are more than I can hope for in a sister and in a friend. I am grateful that you are my twin, so I can remember that there must be beauty within me, because it shines so fiercely in you.

6. Sheryl's last phone call included a "love you!" This, from a woman about my own mother's age! Especially because she is one of my Women Studies Grad cohort friends, I only expect distance and intellectual discomfort. But she has been warming to me over the years, and I was startled/blissfully happy that she said such a "girlfriend!" kind of line to me. Her age is something I very much appreciate, and I look to her as an inspiration, as far as the way she is very much herself, unapologetically.

7. Am grateful for W as well. He was especially kind on the phone last night. I thank God he has a girlfriend (hopefully that is still going on). I need a friend, and will never be more to him. He seems to be very compassionate as a friend.

8. Grateful to the cute, scary cop I spoke to last night. He was trying to be helpful, but he was sympathetic--very. Although there was nothing he could do, his care with me--I value very much.

9. I must learn to be grateful for my trials and tribulations. They are infinitely smaller than many other people. Then the majority of people in the world who are living in poverty. And any mental illness I feel I might have has not hindered me in an obviously debilitating way. Everyone gets depressed. It's almost just like the common cold. Depression just seems like modern life. My trials force me to open my eyes, and be grateful for any love in my life, any kindness. It humbles me, it makes me more connected to those who suffer. It forces me to not take forgranted anything and anyone in my life. I must learn to find the silver lining in pain, because pain appears to be one constant in this part of my life.

10. I must recognize that ppl in my life have free will, and I must be grateful when they choose to share some of their journey with me. It is a privilege and an honor to be included in other people's lives. I must be grateful when they touch me with their presence, their humor, their beauty, their pain, their humanity. I am grateful for Vanessa, for her bewildering beauty and violent brains. She is fiercely herself, and thus invites those around her to be themselves. I am always trying to subdue myself because I fear that I am not acceptable. I fear I am too feminist, too radical, too emotional, a horrible wreck. I should allow those around me to be themselves by being myself, and learning to love myself the way I am.

11. Not sure if I will end up seeing anyone else (aside from the recital) during my trip down, but I must be grateful for the gesture Mary has made, even if it was just a gesture. Mimicking friendship is good enough for me. Her intent felt kind, and I will take it for what it is.

12. Grateful for Michelle, for the past two sweet and short phone calls. She has been empathetic and delicate with my broken heart. I am grateful that she is in my life, that she shares her life with me.

13. Any success I have had so far, I am grateful for. I am grateful for any A's I have earned in Physiology.

14. I am grateful for makeup--for hiding my face, and giving me a mask to keep my real self safe and protected. Makeup and flattering clothes....they work to shield my real self from the world, and I am grateful for the shield.

15. I spend so much time grieving ~, but I am glad, ultimately, that ~ is not in my life anymore. I know I have been bitter, and my heart is still tender, but I now have been forced to stand on both of my two feet, to use more of my brains than before....I have shell-shocked, survivor mentality. I (hopefully) will use this to my advantage. I no longer have a romantic view of the world, and maybe that is a good thing. I feel like I am no longer a child in that way. My once, delicate outer skin is now scarred, white-haired, and toughened from abuse and pain. I just might be stronger now. No more illusions, no more naive hopes. I now live in the reality and not childhood bullshit fantasy land. This pain has also been fuel to survive my classes and my new life. I realize that there is value in this fuel.

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror

"Nosferatu, a name that ringeth like the cry of a bird of prey - speak it not aloud".

"Nosferatu - doesn’t this name sound like the very midnight call of death ? Speak it not aloud, or life’s pictures will turn to pale shadows, and nightmares will rise up to feed on your blood".