Weird Compliments

Is it me or did you just get out of a bathtub full of rainbows?

-Andy Milonakis

My friend Didi and her bf visited, and it was cool. I felt like I would have a heart attack for all the stuff I had to do to prepare, but somehow, with not all that much sleep, lots of juggling, and a little bit of stalling (she arrived early, asked if we needed a little bit more time before they came over) it all worked out. It was great to meet her bf. He was really sweet, and I could see why they were together. What a nurturing and sensitive soul. I did wonder to myself, "What kind of guy would drive his gf 7 hours just so she could see her friends?" A really generous dude, for sure. They were fussing over each other a lot, and did the usual couple-in-love-things. I felt amazed how immune I was to it. Didn't feel an urge to barf or any desire to tell them how gross it is for innocent bystanders to watch that stuff. I felt a little violated when they were on my bed, and he was sorta straddling her, and they were talking to me as if this was normal. I hid my inner gagging (I did wash my sheets the minute they were gone). I just felt really happy that they had each other, and that they made each other happy. Maybe I've finally become an adult. Or maybe they just kept their public fornication to a minimum. It's odd. I always thought I would be the most bitter and horrible single person. Hating on couples and stuff. Sometimes I get that way. But not as much as I thought I would. Lately I feel happy for them, cause I know how damn hard it is to keep that love stuff going. It's so much work, sacrifice, tears, blood. The futility of it all makes it so damn special. And the hard part of it, the unglamorous part...the part that makes you neurotically jealous, or horrifically insecure, annoying to be around (cause you won't stop yakking about your romantic other), and terrifyingly vulnerable is so harrowing and life-changing that it's freeing to just watch others go through it. I can step back and feel joy for the love they have, feel compassion for how vulnerable it makes them, and forgive myself that it's gone from me now, and that I was imperfect and sometimes horrible and weak and lame. Because love does that to a person. It makes you really strong and feel powerful and protected. And it also makes you really lame! Haha.

Next week is my last week with Jade, my therapist. I will miss her. She was really cool. Last week she told me that she cared about me, that she hopes I will be okay. What a lovely thing to say. Her English is a little halting (not her first language), and everything she says and does is infused with Buddhist-like stillness and quietness. When she told me she cared about me she said it shyly, but with this seriousness. I was very touched and humbled. I mean, I vomit my emotional baggage on this woman! She also said that I have an openness with people that is not common. She said I have an emotional generosity. She told me this after a particularly hard session. For her to tell me all these nice things after I was so emotionally naked and horribly imperfect...it was so kind of her.

Dead Feet

It's my feet. Being all scary and shit.

I miss you, Charlotte!

When I was in So. Cal, I had a moment with my mom when we spoke about Charlotte, this good friend who had passed away some years ago. She was my mother's good friend, but when she was alive we always seemed to hold our breath about her, because she was too good to be true, too lovely, too generous, too talented, glamorous and worldly,...unforgettable. When someone like that graces you with their friendship, it is bizarrely impossible to express openly how much you love and appreciate them. I think we never quite believed it, she was sorta unreal--like a fairy godmother I had always wanted. An older woman who always seemed to look out for me, sis, and my mom. When she died it feels like a part of my mom died as well. She does not talk about it. I sense it is such a deep and shocking loss to her. I was playing my clarinet, dusting off my old music, and mom joined me for some duets. We did Weber's Concertino--one of our favorites, and one that I was so fortunate to play in my very last recital (? Who knows, maybe one day I will get lessons again and have more recitals) with the overly qualified, toured-Europe-with-the-Vienna-Boys-Choir Charlotte. So, playing the Concertino made me think of Charlotte. After that, we reminisced about the old days, talking about my different clarinet tutors over the years (and each of their interesting and peculiar personalities), my horrible practicing habits, and Charlotte. After a silent pause, I burst into tears and told my mom how much I missed her. My mom's response was, "How do you think I feel?" She knew her so much more--she must miss her infinitely more. Yet these days, after not thinking about Charlotte for some years, she has been popping up in my heart a lot, in my mind. I cannot play the clarinet and not think about her. Her memory haunts me. It horrifies me that Charlotte's family has not allowed friends to visit Charlotte's grave. I hate that they don't seem to realize how important it is to grieve her loss and celebrate her life. My mom says their family is very private. If there is an after-life...I hope Charlotte somehow knows how important she was to these Saddul women.

Speaking of good friends, it was lovely to see uno de mis mejores amigos, Anthony, while we were in town. Anthony is so tiiiight and in shape, it's amazing!

My phone died. It did leave me one farewell message: "Insert your SIM card." This flashed, and then it zonked out. I pulled out the battery to see if the SIM card had fallen out, but it was still there. And then I turn on and off my cell several times and was only greeted with this frozen scene saying "Cingular." It's like it's frozen. It is "on," but I can't access anything. Pooo!

Three Cool Things:

1. Therapy went well. Jade has the best energy. I only have two more sessions with her. I have really enjoyed meeting with her. I will miss her a lot.

2. Really lovin' my new glasses. I just love it. It works with my hair. With hair and glasses combined, I feel immune from unwanted male attention! Yay! I guess it doesn't give me wanted male attention either, but I'm just happy to get rid of the gross attention I was getting with the long hair.

3. Brian was really sweet to us, and I love how he treats my sis. I am touched by it very much.