Happiness Exercise:
1. Grateful for sis. And for the lovely brownies she made. (Sorry I was a mess yesterday)
2. Grateful that mom was with me through skype as I unraveled over Physio.
3. Grateful to have another chance at things
5 weeks ago
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Go Team Jacob!
I know that the Twilight thing is eye-gauging, vomit-inducing, self-aborting to many, but I made myself read all 4 of those books. And Jacob is the only character who I liked (other than his thing for BellaBarfBag). And woohoo for a Native American character! I am always happy when there is a decent characterization of a character in an ethnic group that isn't always represented in the media. I would love to see more Native American characters in film (that aren't stereotypical).
Happiness Exercise:
1. Had lunch with a squirrel! Shared some of my nuts from my trail mix. A cute guy told me that I could just put some on my feet, and it would come right over. He stayed a little, watching me feed the squirrel and chatting pleasantly with me. He was a cutiepants. Other than him, the squirrel was a cutiepants as well. At one point I put the peanuts in the seat beside me, and the squirrel came up and ate beside me. We just sat together enjoying the nuts. I felt happy.
2. Got into both Nursing Drug Dosages AND the Physio class with the teacher I want! Yay!
3. I am grateful that I have this opportunity to continue my journey into a possible new career. I still have so much to do, but I am at stage 2, and I am grateful to still have this chance.
Happiness Exercise:
1. Had lunch with a squirrel! Shared some of my nuts from my trail mix. A cute guy told me that I could just put some on my feet, and it would come right over. He stayed a little, watching me feed the squirrel and chatting pleasantly with me. He was a cutiepants. Other than him, the squirrel was a cutiepants as well. At one point I put the peanuts in the seat beside me, and the squirrel came up and ate beside me. We just sat together enjoying the nuts. I felt happy.
2. Got into both Nursing Drug Dosages AND the Physio class with the teacher I want! Yay!
3. I am grateful that I have this opportunity to continue my journey into a possible new career. I still have so much to do, but I am at stage 2, and I am grateful to still have this chance.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
So What & the Seven What Nuts
I promised sis I would do these Happiness Enhancement Thingermabobbers since I've been stubbornly Eeyore for too long.
1. Mom and Dad's visit made me so happy. They had a good time---and that made me so happy. The parents indulged us and watched "Heroes"...and got sucked in good. Poor Dad got headaches from keeping up with all the characters--he thought there were just too many--and from all the watching. I offered other activities we could do instead, but they sat tight. When we got to a particularly irritating episode I told them we could just skip it, but Dad wouldn't have it. He ended up watching every episode of Season 1. Mom would leave the room after a while and join sis and I at the kitchen to chat and snack. When the juicy parts of Season 1 came on, sis and I were back at the tv with them, reliving every moment like it was the first time. Sometimes Mom would make a whistling noise in admiration at a particularly exciting plot twist, or if something got really tense. She would do the whistle, shake her head and smile. Dad was even game for pizza (miracle!). I think he finally got tired of our diet of Filipino food for the past 5 days. Last night, after pizza, Dad said, "Let's get back to our movie!" with a smile. We watched the last episode and talked about it when it ended. Dad and Mom asked questions about some details. Everyone agreed that Sylar was a fun villain. Mom said watching Heroes was fun, and Dad agreed. <-- That Dad enjoyed the show is fantastic! He is one hard customer. When they left, the last thing Dad said to us as he was hugging both sis and I goodbye was, "Now girls, be careful. Look out for Sylar." Sis and I were not expecting that, and laughed in surprise. It put a light-heartedness to the usually depressing task of saying goodbye.
2. Tutoring Toni today was lovely. Every time I leave a session with her I feel bizarrely blessed and crazy grateful. I struggle to appreciate it for what it is--a temporary situation--but it is hard. Toni and her mother Suzanne are the most loveliest people in San Leandro. Suzanne dropped us off at the library, went off to do some errands--one of them being a trip to the Farmer's Market--and came back to get us, giving me some strawberries she bought. She had discovered the Farmer's Market last week--and bought me strawberries then as well. Such a lovely gesture. I am so grateful.
3. As I was walking towards the apartment (after tutoring Toni) I smelled bbq, and heard the laughter of my glamorous neighbors downstairs. Remembering their friendliness at the neighborhood get-together months ago, and their panicky look when we had danced with their mates at the salsa dancing thing (It wasn't meant in ill will! They were dancing with other guys, I thought it was okay!), I felt an urge to give them a reconciliatory gesture of friendship (and to show that I was unafraid to hang out with them when I looked plain and dowdy). I also felt drawn to their laughter. So I walked over to the high wood fence and called out to a man in their backyard, handing him the strawberries and running off. Long story short (too late!), Deborah and Halliya invited me to join their bbq. I felt guilty...I felt like I trapped them to invite me....but it was lovely. They appeared really pleased and cool with my presence. We talked for a while, and I got to enjoy their lovely food. They even complimented my broccoli (I made sure to cook some to bring over). There is something about Halliya and Deborah (and their flirty mates!) that is alluring and seductive. They appear carefree, unpretentious, kind, and quick to laughter. The women are lovely and could be conceited if they wanted. But they seem unaware of their charms and dress simply and with no fuss.
4. Parents got me a laptop! It is hard to even talk about it. I feel incredibly unworthy and guilty. I vow to make the best use of it. It is symbolic. My previous lappy was from my ex, and now that part of him is gone now. I have something new! I am grateful and stunned.
5. I am on Day 4 of the 30 Day Shred! I could say it's Day 6...adding two other days when I wasn't doing the workout video...but was instead walking three miles around Lake Merritt. But I have a feeling Jillian Michaels would disagree with me. Anyway...I'm proud of myself for not giving up.
1. Mom and Dad's visit made me so happy. They had a good time---and that made me so happy. The parents indulged us and watched "Heroes"...and got sucked in good. Poor Dad got headaches from keeping up with all the characters--he thought there were just too many--and from all the watching. I offered other activities we could do instead, but they sat tight. When we got to a particularly irritating episode I told them we could just skip it, but Dad wouldn't have it. He ended up watching every episode of Season 1. Mom would leave the room after a while and join sis and I at the kitchen to chat and snack. When the juicy parts of Season 1 came on, sis and I were back at the tv with them, reliving every moment like it was the first time. Sometimes Mom would make a whistling noise in admiration at a particularly exciting plot twist, or if something got really tense. She would do the whistle, shake her head and smile. Dad was even game for pizza (miracle!). I think he finally got tired of our diet of Filipino food for the past 5 days. Last night, after pizza, Dad said, "Let's get back to our movie!" with a smile. We watched the last episode and talked about it when it ended. Dad and Mom asked questions about some details. Everyone agreed that Sylar was a fun villain. Mom said watching Heroes was fun, and Dad agreed. <-- That Dad enjoyed the show is fantastic! He is one hard customer. When they left, the last thing Dad said to us as he was hugging both sis and I goodbye was, "Now girls, be careful. Look out for Sylar." Sis and I were not expecting that, and laughed in surprise. It put a light-heartedness to the usually depressing task of saying goodbye.
2. Tutoring Toni today was lovely. Every time I leave a session with her I feel bizarrely blessed and crazy grateful. I struggle to appreciate it for what it is--a temporary situation--but it is hard. Toni and her mother Suzanne are the most loveliest people in San Leandro. Suzanne dropped us off at the library, went off to do some errands--one of them being a trip to the Farmer's Market--and came back to get us, giving me some strawberries she bought. She had discovered the Farmer's Market last week--and bought me strawberries then as well. Such a lovely gesture. I am so grateful.
3. As I was walking towards the apartment (after tutoring Toni) I smelled bbq, and heard the laughter of my glamorous neighbors downstairs. Remembering their friendliness at the neighborhood get-together months ago, and their panicky look when we had danced with their mates at the salsa dancing thing (It wasn't meant in ill will! They were dancing with other guys, I thought it was okay!), I felt an urge to give them a reconciliatory gesture of friendship (and to show that I was unafraid to hang out with them when I looked plain and dowdy). I also felt drawn to their laughter. So I walked over to the high wood fence and called out to a man in their backyard, handing him the strawberries and running off. Long story short (too late!), Deborah and Halliya invited me to join their bbq. I felt guilty...I felt like I trapped them to invite me....but it was lovely. They appeared really pleased and cool with my presence. We talked for a while, and I got to enjoy their lovely food. They even complimented my broccoli (I made sure to cook some to bring over). There is something about Halliya and Deborah (and their flirty mates!) that is alluring and seductive. They appear carefree, unpretentious, kind, and quick to laughter. The women are lovely and could be conceited if they wanted. But they seem unaware of their charms and dress simply and with no fuss.
4. Parents got me a laptop! It is hard to even talk about it. I feel incredibly unworthy and guilty. I vow to make the best use of it. It is symbolic. My previous lappy was from my ex, and now that part of him is gone now. I have something new! I am grateful and stunned.
5. I am on Day 4 of the 30 Day Shred! I could say it's Day 6...adding two other days when I wasn't doing the workout video...but was instead walking three miles around Lake Merritt. But I have a feeling Jillian Michaels would disagree with me. Anyway...I'm proud of myself for not giving up.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tired as Fuck
I decided to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I started yesterday, and was seeing stars. Today is Day 2, and the workout was both harder and easier at the same time. As I worked out today, I contemplated my motivations. A nice toned body just isn't enough. I was in cross country for three years in high school, and loathed my body. I don't hate my body anymore, and my body is bigger than it was back then. I remember stepping on a scale and feeling hatred and misery to see that I hadn't lost any weight. I didn't understand. We ran for hours and hours, it felt. Each step felt like death. I would stare at my stomach in disgust and anger. I look back now and realize that the lack of weight loss was not about fat retention, but muscle gain. My body was probably in good shape. My mom swears I have blossomed, and that my body is curvier now than before (don't see it), and Michelle and Caroline tell me I am slimmer than I was five years ago. Apparently I didn't have a waistline back then. All I can remember was the chafing of my thighs when I had started to gain weight back in the day, the way my arms made every outfit look bloated, and how the sides of my stomach ruined every top I wore by peeking out and waving at everyone all the time. Since being in shape doesn't automatically equate a healthy self-esteem, I think I have to go about this in a different way. Instead of going about this for a particular body or weight, I have to do this workout for the mental challenge. The part of me that says I can't do it, that I am not strong, that I am not worthy of anything. This is not about body, this is about mind.
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