Tired as Fuck

I decided to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I started yesterday, and was seeing stars. Today is Day 2, and the workout was both harder and easier at the same time. As I worked out today, I contemplated my motivations. A nice toned body just isn't enough. I was in cross country for three years in high school, and loathed my body. I don't hate my body anymore, and my body is bigger than it was back then. I remember stepping on a scale and feeling hatred and misery to see that I hadn't lost any weight. I didn't understand. We ran for hours and hours, it felt. Each step felt like death. I would stare at my stomach in disgust and anger. I look back now and realize that the lack of weight loss was not about fat retention, but muscle gain. My body was probably in good shape. My mom swears I have blossomed, and that my body is curvier now than before (don't see it), and Michelle and Caroline tell me I am slimmer than I was five years ago. Apparently I didn't have a waistline back then. All I can remember was the chafing of my thighs when I had started to gain weight back in the day, the way my arms made every outfit look bloated, and how the sides of my stomach ruined every top I wore by peeking out and waving at everyone all the time. Since being in shape doesn't automatically equate a healthy self-esteem, I think I have to go about this in a different way. Instead of going about this for a particular body or weight, I have to do this workout for the mental challenge. The part of me that says I can't do it, that I am not strong, that I am not worthy of anything. This is not about body, this is about mind.