Happiness Exercise Number 12

1. After bearing my heart to him he is still here
2. He told me he loves me "the way I am"
3. We were very much in sync all day today
4. He met my J & L!
5. He has a toothbrush in his place for me, and he wants me to leave jeans at his place
6. He told me he loved me very much
7. He said he enjoys "our languid days together"
8. He was very loving even though I looked like crap today
9. We bonded after his comments about death. And my bawling my eyes out.
10. He asked if I would go with him to Morocco.

HALP

Jesus Christ help me.

I am sleepy and I have fucked myself over.

I am seeing Julie tomorrow at 2pm. I need my application crap ready. I need some sort of draft ready. I have Anthropology at 6:30 pm, a test, and a presentation due as well.

Neither of these things I am ready for.

Instead I have spent all weekend with my mind and heart and soul focused on one obnoxiously self-assured and addictive man.

Princess of Disks / Me!

He told me (in the middle of that agonizing talk) that I was the Princess of Disks on the tarot cards.

The Princess of Disks

A young woman indicated by the Princess of Disks would be a quiet, reserved person - sometimes shy. She will be practical and capable, though rarely seeking the limelight. I used to know a stage manager who always came up as a Princess of Disks - she loved the glitz of the theatre as long as she could stay behind the scenes - having, of course, created them first!

She's a gentle person who, like the Queen of Disks, is much concerned with domestic matters, and with Nature and growth. As a result, sometimes when this card comes up we may be looking at somebody who is expecting a child. The Princess of Cups often represents conception, the Princess of Disks shows the pregnancy and the Ace of Wands will then indicate the birth.

The Princess of Disks woman is a reliable and diligent person, trustworthy and hard-working. She is faithful by nature, and deals badly with conflict. She likes life to unfolds in an ordered fashion. In fact, she contemplates life very thoroughly, being sensitive to the needs of others, and sympathetic to their feelings.

Despite her quiet exterior, she has a huge resource of strength and support to offer to those who need it. She is also an excellent practical manager with marked proficiency in dealing with money and accounting. This will, however, generally be expressed in the home environment where she is at her most content.

When the card comes up to indicate a period in somebody's life, rather than the person herself, we will be looking at a young woman on the threshold - of life, marriage, motherhood, though rarely on the threshold of some major career ambition. That step would be more readily indicated by the Princess of Wands.

Alex's Tarot Reading

I've bolded in black the characteristics that make me think of Alex. I've bolded in red the negative qualities/possibilities.

The Knight of Swords

When the Knight of Swords comes up to indicate a man, he will be intelligent, subtle and clever. His capacity for abstract thought will be well developed. He is also highly intuitive and perceptive.

His nature will be elusive and ethereal, yet he has a strength and fascination that is hard to deny. He compels attention, except when he doesn't want it, and at those times you will not even notice him pass by.

Because of the enquiring and analytic nature of his mind, you will often find him involved in occult study, and following spiritual pursuits. Whilst tolerant of those who know less than him, he will not divulge his knowledge easily. Rather those who wish to learn from him must fight to see him clearly, rather than falling for the projections he readily casts around him.

If this man is badly dignified his subtlety turns to manipulation, and his fascination to glamour. In this way, he becomes unprincipled and self-seeking. There is a certain ruthlessness present in the Knight of Swords at all times.

Even when we meet him at his best, he makes a hard task master, and an acutely keen observer.The sword in his hand will quite often be used to cut to the heart of things - and sometimes we will not be comfortable with what is revealed.

When this card comes up to indicate a state of mind in a man not normally seen as a Knight of Swords, we are then dealing with quite another issue. Now we must address the darkest qualities of the card. This is an angry man, who has quite possibly been emotionally hurt, and may well be looking for revenge.

He has the potential to be physically violent and mentally cruel. He is a nasty enemy and somebody who needs to be treated with the utmost caution.

Surrender

What a traumatic experience today has been. I was honest with A. I told him how powerless I feel, how afraid I am. How I can't read him, how I am unable to tell that he loves me. It was a bloodbath. I cried. I was a wreck. It was horrible. He was sorta cold, kinda mad, it was a weird experience. He tried to comfort me. Just not in the way that was ideal to myself.

Facts:
1. He told me I was the most interesting woman he has met since his exwife
2. He told me he hasn't felt this strongly for a woman (as he does for me) since his exwife
3. I'm the first woman his family has met since his exwife
4. He told me he's never spent as much consecutive time with a woman/had a woman stay at his place as long as I have (I was with him for three days)
5. He told me he loves me very much.
6. He seems to equate the sex thing with love. When I told him sex is just sex for guys he said "I'm an old guy. I'm not as ruled with my hormones as when I was younger."

Things to Consider:
1. He told me he doesn't say "I love you" a whole bunch because he doesn't say those words casually
2. He told me the longest he's dated a woman was three months. And we're around...two months. He said let's see how I'll feel about him in a month.

Jonathan said it sounds like he's scared. And that anyone who has dated as much as he has means he's been hurt a lot.

Emotionally I can't imagine hurting him at all. If I was to end things with him, I imagine he would shrug it off.

Intellectually I have to put the pieces together and realize he's human too. He bleeds too. He is afraid too. In fact, it seems his walls have been high for a while. Everything with me is pretty intense.

I asked him to call me after he dropped me off. I didn't expect him to...I thought he would have forgotten since his memory has been shit. But he called me. He had gotten home an hour ago and had forgotten, but remembered, and wanted to call me before heading to bed.

So. That's effort. I asked him if all my comments scared him, and he told me he likes how honest I am with him.

I have never been good at this sort of thing.

I hate my gut feelings. My gut says I am being screwed over. My gut says he doesn't love me the way I deserve. My gut also says I am unloveable, and inherently repulsive to men if they got to know me. My gut tells me I can't do anything because I'm a big fucking failure. So. Yup. Either way God. Please throw me a lifeline here. Please help me. God, can you get me out of this with as little humiliation as possible, please? God, can you please help me take back my dignity in a big way? God, please help me.

And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong

A has asked me to be a dirty school girl for Halloween. I agreed to it with all my fingers and toes crossed as if I could somehow undo his request, as if I wasn't really agreeing to it. Trying to make myself sexy....in such a brazen and obvious manner is the weirdest thing. I have done the sexy in other forms, but not in that tacky Halloween way. And when I say tacky, I am including all my sour grapes-ness in the fact that I look at those girls with admiration and jealousy. I never see myself like them. I never think I could be sexy like that without that horrible dash of desperation, those extra cups of insecurity peppered all over my outfit. I fear of exposing my vulva. It's just one extreme to another for me. I have been trying to do sexy in that safe, covered up, "classy" way while still wanting to be sexy, still wanting to inspire attraction and desire. So doing the tacky Halloween dirty school girl thing is just so refreshing and terrifying for me. Why the fuck not? I am 28, and I would never have dared do this at 18. If not now, when? My body is my friend right now. In fact, I think I look really hot, considering I haven't been dieting or exercising at all. As a woman, being brazenly sexual is such a conscious choice for me. An out of body experience. I hope I pull it off without exposing my vulva (I have such a Britney Spears nightmare) and embarrassing myself. I want to pull of the dirty school girl look and retain my dignity as well. Hah. Hilarious. It's gonna take some guts, attitude, and planning. Sis said she would help me. I am so grateful for her.

Kanye West - Runaway "LIVE" on Saturday Night Live / SNL Feat Pusha T

Happiness Exercise Number 11

1. I had a very unhealthy breakfast (lechon and adobo rice) but I made up for it by having broccoli and slimfast for dunch. I'm quite proud of myself for that. My appetite is practically non-existent because I feel ill. But still. I feel a relief when I can manage to make myself eat some broccoli. Large amounts of broccoli.

2. I saw Janny and Queenie last night. We have managed to stay in touch over the years. Seeing them is like having a bit of my heart replaced. We're not super besties, but I care about them a lot, and I want them to be okay. I want them to be happy. I love them. Janny stayed over for a little bit, and shared a bit of her heart with me. I love her and want her to be okay. Too much suffering in this world.

3. The meeting for anthro was relatively painless

4. Feeling ill, so I napped earlier today. Being gentle with myself

5. Keep reminding myself how uninvested I am with this particular round of applications. That helps a lot.

6. Caroline loves me. She still tries even though I am hyper sensitive and super self-centered

7. Mom loves me still.

8. Seeing Roxanne, Daniel, J.P., and Soiyon, Olivia, and Daniel II, and Tita Tess was therapeutic for me. It did me good to be away.

9. I survived my time with A. He introduced me as his girlfriend. His best friend Bobby said I was a keeper. His gal/best friend Gloria seemed to like me. Her boyfriend flirted with me (ugh). The boyf liked me too much. The last night I was over A was impatient to have me join him in bed so he could wrap himself around me. He said he loved me very much.

10. He called me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We spoke for a decent length of time on the phone. The longest conversation ever! At one point I told him how weird it was to see him at swing, and he was like, "Why? Does it weird you out that I'm there?" And I was like, "Yeah, because swing's sort of been my world..." and he said, "Well, knowing how much that matters to you, baby, I want to be a part of it..." SIGH. He asked when he can see me again, and said we should do something fun. I am too ridiculously high

11. I'm someone's girlfriend!! I'm someone's girlfriend? This is soooooo weird/absurd! He's my boyfriend! AIFHP:ADFHAIFB:ASnvclKSvnlkvb;sihgso That's what he is, allegedly! I can barely make sense of it. I find the entire thing too absurd. Too strange. Too weird. I am happy, but happy the way you would be at the theory of Santa Claus being real. It's unreal. Every time things are good with him, things are unreal. When things suck, it hurts beyond anything. Hmm. He did tell me he was falling in love with me on the third date. *sigh* I think I am only now starting to allow myself to enjoy that.

Runaway fast as you can

Today is such an incredibly hard day. I am feeling not so good, and emotionally I just feel horrible. This always happens after I see him. I don't understand why I can't get my shit together. I am just filled with so much horror. I feel as if all I do is wait to get dumped. All I do is live with horror about a future dumping. I am so very traumatized by the past. I have a very hard time feeling peace with myself, and getting past my shit. I am filled with horror.

Happiness Exercise Number 10

1. I must take solace in the fact that I am PMSing...that I should be getting my period soon. So that could be the sole cause of my intense loneliness for the past couple of days. I am not a horrid person who has irrational feelings. My feelings are directly connected to a surge in hormonal changes that reflect that I am female. And being female is a great thing.

2. I went to court and got the whole thing over with. It's over, and I can now move on.

3. I am not talking to a certain person, despite his two phone calls today. I feel it's a step in the right direction. I deserve better from a friend. I am treating myself with respect by putting my foot down. It is really hard for me to do that. Far easier to be a rug. I am giving myself respect.

4. I finally managed to get comfortable w/Coffee Break French's second episode.

5. I drank a lot of water today. A lot. That's good, I think.

6. A highway patrol officer dude was actually a bit kind to me as I was crying miserably at the courthouse today. He said words of sympathy, and they touched me. Not all men in such positions are evil. He was sweet.

7. Had a long conversation w/a friend I rather take for granted, but it was actually a bit of a comfort in the end. I never give her credit, but it was actually a relief.

8. I was going to say there are absolutely no films I am looking forward to, but there's a film w/Sendhil Ramamurthy coming out in a bit. YUM

9. No matter what happens to me with A, I have my Caroline, some friends who love me and think I'm better than he is, and a heart that is stronger than it seems. I will survive him no matter what.

10. A is arriving tonight, and he wants to see me tomorrow! I am not sure if my body is strong enough to see him. I have been trying to recuperate as fast as possible, but I still get chills and exhaustion at random times. Maybe he will be forced to wait until Thursday, when my period is full blown. lol.

It will be alright. I will be alright. No need to despair. I will be okay.

Happiness Exercise Number 9

1. The Filipino American History Month Celebrations at the Asian Art Museum was such a wonderful break from my ordinary routine. It was just a wonderful, wonderful escape. I got to go back into a world I never think about (well...as much as I used to when I was at SFSU)....identity, being an immigrant, my ancestors, the legacy of Filipinos, Pinays, all that beautiful, wonderful, wonderful stuff. Seeing Dr. Gonzales again almost made me cry (okay. inside at least). He was my champion when I had no one else. He always treated me like I was a serious smartypants. He treated me with respect. I loved his class. I loved the way I found myself swelling with pride as he spoke about the legacy of the Filipinos in our Pilipinos in America class. I remember how much I learned and how much it affected me. I felt my cells trembling with awe and fury and joy. Seeing Jaena after such a long time was a treat. Eating sisig nachos was yummy and fun. That "Lalawigan - A Contemporary Tagalog Song Cycle" was the perfect end to the entire experience. Beautiful, touching, memorable. Those performers shook me to the core. Unforgettable.

2. I feel that spending time with Jonathan and Leo after was better than any medication. I just feel so much better than the past couple days. Their presence is such a comfort to me.

3. A text me this morning! He is coming back sooner! And he wants to see me on Tuesday! I hope it's not wrong how happy this makes me. I text him a picture of my sisig nachos, and he text me back later: "Damn--that looks good" Just reading his texts fills me with an absurd illogical joy.

4. A said he was registering for swing dance classes tonight! Which means....he's going to take Lindy lessons with me for a month! I am so excited! I can't believe he's doing this! I couldn't get my ex to do this! I can't believe it! AMAZING

5. There is something so comforting for me to hear about my culture, to see my face reflected in others, to hear tagalog, to laugh at Filipino humor...the whole shebang. I feel as if my tank has been filled. Emotionally, a fulfilling experience.

Gadzooks

It's 4:42 am, and I awoke a minute before 4 am because I thought I heard a loud knock on the door. My heart filled with terror, and I imagined a very persistent and frightening man on my doorstep. After a few minutes immobilized with fear, I got up and checked my door to find the outside lights were on. They usually remain on for a while until an unspecified time. Then I decided to read up on Zoloft and side effects--a truly depressing task. I am afraid of how it will effect my love life. Dr. L had said I could try getting off it for a few days, essentially planning out when I want to rock my socks off. Since seeing A is usually a premeditated task I suppose I could try that. One of the possible side effects of Zoloft is some insomnia, and, according to some, nightmares....suddenly waking up in horror. Perhaps that is what this whole thing was about. Now if I can just get some sleep...........

Happiness Exercise Number 8

1. Was happy to talk to mom for a little bit. She loves me, even though I am always depressed. I am grateful for her

2. Glad sis called me back and let me whimper and go on with self-pity. lol. I made her worry, which is evil, but her concern was what I wanted. I want to feel cared about. I am grateful for her love

3. Am amused and comforted by Ivan's attraction to me, although I had to turn him down. That I have the power to attract remains something I am grateful for, and continues to both surprise me and give me some comfort.

4. Just got off the phone with Jonathan. We had a long hour conversation that might as well have been an hour-long tea. Such a comfort. He and Leo are such happiness and kindness in my life. Absolute joy

5. Day three of Zoloft, and it has definitely cut the edge off. Yeah, I still had a rough day, but I did not spend the whole day crying like a maniac. I felt down, I struggled, I forced my way through part of the day. Which is a huge achievement compared to the past

6. Am excited for the Filipino American History Month Celebration at the Asian Art Museum tomorrow w/Jaena!

7. Grateful for Coffee Break French

8. My fever is relaxing. I think I am getting better.

9. My conversation w/Jonathan allowed me to remember some of the lovely memories I last had with A. Him kissing my hair and murmuring "baby" while half-awake during the night. The way he kisses my hand. That he insists our connection is more than sex. That he says "I'm quite in love with you." I guess "quite" means "very." Thinking about all this makes me so happy. Happy as a kite.

Kryptonite

I am plagued with loneliness today. Somehow I was able to ward it off a little yesterday. Maybe because sis was around in the morning? I went to bed quite early last night, telling myself I wasn't pathetic (at bed at 9 pm? ) and that I was sick, so an early bedtime was appropriate. Really, I wasn't sleepy at all. I did feel fragile and unable to think because the proteins in my brain and body felt like they were scrambling from the fever--which was on and off--a boiling hot cauldron to icy winter chills from moment to moment........ and this made me feel quite useless as a human being. So sleep seemed like a lovely escape from feelings of uselessness. But I was awoken by several phone calls by people, one of which was mom, who was promising to call again in a few hours since she was on a break at work. I asked her not to since I was desperate to get some sleep and to force some sort of peace in my achey heart, when I noticed that He was on the other line. Mom agreed to just call me in the morning, and I clicked over to hear his scratchy dry voice, and felt my heart explode in my chest. He was walking Mojo and thought to call. We did not speak about anything profound, but I had to fight to keep the shameful joy from erupting in my voice. It was a short conversation, but it was sorta leisurely, I guess. He sounded tired (as he always does), but when the conversation was coming to an end there was this pause, and then we both said I love you at the same time. And that was that. But I was so crazy happy. I was an absolute crazy happy beast for a little bit. Just crazy happy. In a way I hadn't been in a long time. I texted this news to a few beloved, and rolled in bed with scrunched eyes in emotional ecstasy, re-reading old texts he had written and trying to allow myself the idea that he did care for me, that it wasn't fiction. I was in such a good mood that I became hungry and heated up some lechon and rice...which turned out to become fried fat and rice, since there was not as much meat involved. Eating this, ice cream, and then sleeping resulted in a nightmarish dream in which sis was kidnapped. I managed to get her rescued, but I was plagued with guilt that she was kidnapped in the first place because it was my dream, I should have found a way for it not to happen, ever. Fatty food = nightmares.

I tried to sleep away my Saturday, telling myself it was to make myself better--that this was more about fighting my fever, and less about my depression and inability to face life. But around 2 pm I could not go around it any longer. I am only able to take microscopic steps as far as doing anything at all. I organized my bills. That was a task I always feel better about achieving. I tidied up my room. I fed myself. I returned some texts. I emailed my aunt. I contacted SFSU (err...left a message). I called mom, J & L, sis. I called back Ivan, and broke the news that I was seeing someone. That was fun. I hate the way men react to this, go into mourning. I admitted my insecurities about Him, and Ivan pounced on this, eager to rip Him to pieces, trying to make himself appealing. But Ivan is a conservativepants. Yuck. Dinner was chicken masaala, which was delicious, but it made me think of H. Thinking of H made me feel guilty and horrified. I get why I had to dump him, but it's still absurd. To turn down the affections of another--especially someone who is actually a very lovely, dedicated, attentive, generous, needy (I guess I like that shit since I'm a needy monster), vulnerable, beautiful soul......I feel like it's an act of Hell. An act of Satan. That I turned this beautiful soul down....that my heart turned away from him the moment I was with Him. It fits no sense of justice or love logic at all. In fact it is an act of violent perversion. I can't ever imagine it working out with H. Ever. But he is emotionally handleable, while He is emotionally handling me. So. Where does that leave us? H, D, and now Ivan, are three fellas who are clamoring for me, all now officially rejected, and none remotely a possibility. And there is Him, who hurts my heart, who is my kryptonite.

Happiness Exercise Number 7

1. Second day on Zoloft. I don't know if it's a placebo effect (okay, it probably is), but I feel like I am managing my depression waay better. I know I feel sad/bad, but instead of it consuming me like it usually does, I've thought: "What are ways to fight this? How can I stay busy?" I did not have the strength to this just a few days ago. All I could do was cry

2. I'm sick, but I spent all morning sleeping away. I'm glad I did. Will probably head to bed early after taking some tylenol. My body has the chills and feels achey, my throat is sore, and my head feels sorta weird. But I am taking it easy, and being gentle with myself

3. Jonathan and Leo. Need I say more?

4. It was lovely to talk to Cheryl this morning :-)

5. He text me this morning....I was happy for that. I am trying to come to terms with how crazy I am for him, and the way he is. I am forgiving myself for this as much as I can. At this point, all I can do is pray that God will get me through this. As impossible and unbelieving as I am, I need to believe I will survive this. I will be forgiven in the end (I hope) for being so powerless and...well, stupid about someone like him. I will survive this. And I will be loved again.

6. Considering I spent most of today by myself, I did not fall into as deep a depression as I normally would. In fact, I was able to surrender to my loneliness in a non-debilitating manner. I know I feel lonely and needy easily, and it's okay. I don't need to hate myself for that, or crucify myself. I took matters into my own hands to fight the loneliness. I listened to Coffee Break French, I cleaned. I rested. I texted a few friends. It's gonna be okay.