Kryptonite

I am plagued with loneliness today. Somehow I was able to ward it off a little yesterday. Maybe because sis was around in the morning? I went to bed quite early last night, telling myself I wasn't pathetic (at bed at 9 pm? ) and that I was sick, so an early bedtime was appropriate. Really, I wasn't sleepy at all. I did feel fragile and unable to think because the proteins in my brain and body felt like they were scrambling from the fever--which was on and off--a boiling hot cauldron to icy winter chills from moment to moment........ and this made me feel quite useless as a human being. So sleep seemed like a lovely escape from feelings of uselessness. But I was awoken by several phone calls by people, one of which was mom, who was promising to call again in a few hours since she was on a break at work. I asked her not to since I was desperate to get some sleep and to force some sort of peace in my achey heart, when I noticed that He was on the other line. Mom agreed to just call me in the morning, and I clicked over to hear his scratchy dry voice, and felt my heart explode in my chest. He was walking Mojo and thought to call. We did not speak about anything profound, but I had to fight to keep the shameful joy from erupting in my voice. It was a short conversation, but it was sorta leisurely, I guess. He sounded tired (as he always does), but when the conversation was coming to an end there was this pause, and then we both said I love you at the same time. And that was that. But I was so crazy happy. I was an absolute crazy happy beast for a little bit. Just crazy happy. In a way I hadn't been in a long time. I texted this news to a few beloved, and rolled in bed with scrunched eyes in emotional ecstasy, re-reading old texts he had written and trying to allow myself the idea that he did care for me, that it wasn't fiction. I was in such a good mood that I became hungry and heated up some lechon and rice...which turned out to become fried fat and rice, since there was not as much meat involved. Eating this, ice cream, and then sleeping resulted in a nightmarish dream in which sis was kidnapped. I managed to get her rescued, but I was plagued with guilt that she was kidnapped in the first place because it was my dream, I should have found a way for it not to happen, ever. Fatty food = nightmares.

I tried to sleep away my Saturday, telling myself it was to make myself better--that this was more about fighting my fever, and less about my depression and inability to face life. But around 2 pm I could not go around it any longer. I am only able to take microscopic steps as far as doing anything at all. I organized my bills. That was a task I always feel better about achieving. I tidied up my room. I fed myself. I returned some texts. I emailed my aunt. I contacted SFSU (err...left a message). I called mom, J & L, sis. I called back Ivan, and broke the news that I was seeing someone. That was fun. I hate the way men react to this, go into mourning. I admitted my insecurities about Him, and Ivan pounced on this, eager to rip Him to pieces, trying to make himself appealing. But Ivan is a conservativepants. Yuck. Dinner was chicken masaala, which was delicious, but it made me think of H. Thinking of H made me feel guilty and horrified. I get why I had to dump him, but it's still absurd. To turn down the affections of another--especially someone who is actually a very lovely, dedicated, attentive, generous, needy (I guess I like that shit since I'm a needy monster), vulnerable, beautiful soul......I feel like it's an act of Hell. An act of Satan. That I turned this beautiful soul down....that my heart turned away from him the moment I was with Him. It fits no sense of justice or love logic at all. In fact it is an act of violent perversion. I can't ever imagine it working out with H. Ever. But he is emotionally handleable, while He is emotionally handling me. So. Where does that leave us? H, D, and now Ivan, are three fellas who are clamoring for me, all now officially rejected, and none remotely a possibility. And there is Him, who hurts my heart, who is my kryptonite.