Runaway fast as you can

Today is such an incredibly hard day. I am feeling not so good, and emotionally I just feel horrible. This always happens after I see him. I don't understand why I can't get my shit together. I am just filled with so much horror. I feel as if all I do is wait to get dumped. All I do is live with horror about a future dumping. I am so very traumatized by the past. I have a very hard time feeling peace with myself, and getting past my shit. I am filled with horror.