5 weeks ago
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Blah!
I am looking at my last post, and it is too doom and gloom. I want to undue it's darkness somehow. I don't know how. I need to work on my goddamn careplan.
Ridiculous
I can't believe that the last time I wrote on here it was February.
Life has been such a crazy rollercoaster, I guess I have been afraid to write. Loving Alex has changed everything internally. I have viewed him with so much fear, so much distrust. He tells me it is I who is not trusting, I, who is afraid. I hope he is right. I hope it is not my gut instinct that is right, telling me to be afraid, telling me not to trust him, telling me I am fucked, utterly, and hopelessly powerless against the huge bombastic power imbalance between us. I confuse my "gut instinct" with a small, very powerful, negative voice, that tells me I am nothing, I have no power, and that ultimately, I can only trust someone who is obvious, someone who is exactly like me, someone "innocent," someone unthreatening, someone like my ex-boyfriend before Diabetes. But it is not true. I have some serious false memories when it comes to my ex. I remember him as both an angel and satan. I remember him as being super kind, super patient, super loving, super patient. And then I remember the bad stuff. The one-sided fights (all me arguing, him being all "nice" and not even engaging me), the weird mild racism and ignorance. The way he patronized me/was "kind" to me with little white lies to protect me, believing I couldn't handle certain things cuz I was female. He thought he was being a gentleman. I did too. I always believe I am too weak for the truth.
Now I am dating a man who, regardless of everything, will not lie to me. He is honest, to the point that I cannot stop a single tear the moment he starts with, "I'm gonna be honest with you." He promises no ideals. He says he will do his best. He says he loves me more than anything. He says he will (if we have any) love our baby in a different way than me. He makes no promises to adjust to my need for constant assurance about anything. He wants me to be strong and secure. He wants me to feel strong without him, to be independent. I think, intellectually, what he wants from me, is to be happy regardless of him. I think what he is asking of me is the hardest, most painful thing I can even imagine.
I do not know if I am just being a weak woman, but I am telling myself, maybe....just maybe it means he wants what is best for me.
What he asks of me, is to be powerful. To have no fear. To have faith in myself regardless of all.
I hope so. I do not want to be a fool. I am so afraid, he says. He is so right! I am so afraid! So afraid of being a fool, of making mistakes, of being in love and being a laughingstock.
The Buddhist way would be to accept that I will and am making mistakes. That it is okay.
I am so afraid to love him because it is all consuming and violent. Yet I do, with a madness that is based on my own self-hatred.
I do not love him without hating myself. That is the truth. I look at his flaws and hold it tightly to make myself feel superior and less inferior. But the truth is, I compare myself to him constantly.
He gives me everything he can to show me he loves me. I think I believe him when he says that. He shows it without being showy.
I plague myself with guilt and self-hatred.
I was gonna die with exhaustion this evening, and he too. He just came back from work, and was so tired. Yet he entertained my family and friends with a patience and a smile. And laughed at all the jokes from me and Michelle, listening to all out stories about Lolo and Lola. He forgave me for the double-standard I have about our family stuff. I asked for forgiveness, and he just understood, waving away my self-attack/apology. Then he insisted I stay at home and sleep while he drove Michelle home. If that isn't love, I am being unfair.
He says I am fragile, and needing protection. And he provides it in the way he can. Not in an emotional way because that is not his strong suit. He never had that. He provides it in other ways. Everyone I talk to says that 1. it is obvious he loves me, 2. he does it in the way he seems be protective and attentive to me. I think about it now and want to cry. It is true. I don't let myself notice it because I am too focused on my own actions towards him, trying to keep him in love with me, afraid he will change his mind, afraid, afraid. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe such a man loves me. I idealize him, I love him so. I hate myself for loving again. I hate myself for loving such a dangerous, powerful, magical, man. I hate myself for being so swept off my feet, for kissing the air he breathes, for being 15 around him. I resent that he is not like me in the way I love. But he loves me like a 44 year-old who has been divorced, and is afraid of being betrayed. He loves me like a man who has experienced many things. He tells me his life is better with me in it. He loves sharing his life with me. He said these things after staying with me as I cried the entire day, and as he said them, I thought, "Liar! How could you? I am so horrible!" It is amazing.
I refuse to accept his love, because I do not want to get used to it, and then have it taken away.
What has that strategy done for me? Nothing. What is the point of love if I am half-way enjoying it?
Happiness Exercise:
1. Spending time with Caroline and Michelle gave me absurd amounts of joy. Their presence is instant peace and happiness.
2. Cooking and feeding Caroline and Michelle gives me a peace and comfort.
3. I think Joanna and Maki maybe liked me. I cannot read Joanna all that well, but Maki seemed to approve of me. CJ grew comfortable with me anyway. I do adore him.
4. Seeing Karla again was happiness. Spending Thanksgiving with her was the best. Doing "Everybody Dance" with her and Alex and Maki... so awesome.
5. I have a man who loves me very much! Very much.
6. I have a family that loves me very much too!
7. Jonathan and Leo are my friends! They are the most wonderful friends! I love them so much. I cherish them.
8. The love from Yanira and Wivine mean a lot to me.
9. Cheryl's happiness is such peace. I feel like my fragile, broken friend has been given a second chance in life after so many years of sadness. I feel like there is justice in the world that Cheryl is finally given this chance. She deserves joy beyond her wildest dreams. She deserves this love
Life has been such a crazy rollercoaster, I guess I have been afraid to write. Loving Alex has changed everything internally. I have viewed him with so much fear, so much distrust. He tells me it is I who is not trusting, I, who is afraid. I hope he is right. I hope it is not my gut instinct that is right, telling me to be afraid, telling me not to trust him, telling me I am fucked, utterly, and hopelessly powerless against the huge bombastic power imbalance between us. I confuse my "gut instinct" with a small, very powerful, negative voice, that tells me I am nothing, I have no power, and that ultimately, I can only trust someone who is obvious, someone who is exactly like me, someone "innocent," someone unthreatening, someone like my ex-boyfriend before Diabetes. But it is not true. I have some serious false memories when it comes to my ex. I remember him as both an angel and satan. I remember him as being super kind, super patient, super loving, super patient. And then I remember the bad stuff. The one-sided fights (all me arguing, him being all "nice" and not even engaging me), the weird mild racism and ignorance. The way he patronized me/was "kind" to me with little white lies to protect me, believing I couldn't handle certain things cuz I was female. He thought he was being a gentleman. I did too. I always believe I am too weak for the truth.
Now I am dating a man who, regardless of everything, will not lie to me. He is honest, to the point that I cannot stop a single tear the moment he starts with, "I'm gonna be honest with you." He promises no ideals. He says he will do his best. He says he loves me more than anything. He says he will (if we have any) love our baby in a different way than me. He makes no promises to adjust to my need for constant assurance about anything. He wants me to be strong and secure. He wants me to feel strong without him, to be independent. I think, intellectually, what he wants from me, is to be happy regardless of him. I think what he is asking of me is the hardest, most painful thing I can even imagine.
I do not know if I am just being a weak woman, but I am telling myself, maybe....just maybe it means he wants what is best for me.
What he asks of me, is to be powerful. To have no fear. To have faith in myself regardless of all.
I hope so. I do not want to be a fool. I am so afraid, he says. He is so right! I am so afraid! So afraid of being a fool, of making mistakes, of being in love and being a laughingstock.
The Buddhist way would be to accept that I will and am making mistakes. That it is okay.
I am so afraid to love him because it is all consuming and violent. Yet I do, with a madness that is based on my own self-hatred.
I do not love him without hating myself. That is the truth. I look at his flaws and hold it tightly to make myself feel superior and less inferior. But the truth is, I compare myself to him constantly.
He gives me everything he can to show me he loves me. I think I believe him when he says that. He shows it without being showy.
I plague myself with guilt and self-hatred.
I was gonna die with exhaustion this evening, and he too. He just came back from work, and was so tired. Yet he entertained my family and friends with a patience and a smile. And laughed at all the jokes from me and Michelle, listening to all out stories about Lolo and Lola. He forgave me for the double-standard I have about our family stuff. I asked for forgiveness, and he just understood, waving away my self-attack/apology. Then he insisted I stay at home and sleep while he drove Michelle home. If that isn't love, I am being unfair.
He says I am fragile, and needing protection. And he provides it in the way he can. Not in an emotional way because that is not his strong suit. He never had that. He provides it in other ways. Everyone I talk to says that 1. it is obvious he loves me, 2. he does it in the way he seems be protective and attentive to me. I think about it now and want to cry. It is true. I don't let myself notice it because I am too focused on my own actions towards him, trying to keep him in love with me, afraid he will change his mind, afraid, afraid. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe such a man loves me. I idealize him, I love him so. I hate myself for loving again. I hate myself for loving such a dangerous, powerful, magical, man. I hate myself for being so swept off my feet, for kissing the air he breathes, for being 15 around him. I resent that he is not like me in the way I love. But he loves me like a 44 year-old who has been divorced, and is afraid of being betrayed. He loves me like a man who has experienced many things. He tells me his life is better with me in it. He loves sharing his life with me. He said these things after staying with me as I cried the entire day, and as he said them, I thought, "Liar! How could you? I am so horrible!" It is amazing.
I refuse to accept his love, because I do not want to get used to it, and then have it taken away.
What has that strategy done for me? Nothing. What is the point of love if I am half-way enjoying it?
Happiness Exercise:
1. Spending time with Caroline and Michelle gave me absurd amounts of joy. Their presence is instant peace and happiness.
2. Cooking and feeding Caroline and Michelle gives me a peace and comfort.
3. I think Joanna and Maki maybe liked me. I cannot read Joanna all that well, but Maki seemed to approve of me. CJ grew comfortable with me anyway. I do adore him.
4. Seeing Karla again was happiness. Spending Thanksgiving with her was the best. Doing "Everybody Dance" with her and Alex and Maki... so awesome.
5. I have a man who loves me very much! Very much.
6. I have a family that loves me very much too!
7. Jonathan and Leo are my friends! They are the most wonderful friends! I love them so much. I cherish them.
8. The love from Yanira and Wivine mean a lot to me.
9. Cheryl's happiness is such peace. I feel like my fragile, broken friend has been given a second chance in life after so many years of sadness. I feel like there is justice in the world that Cheryl is finally given this chance. She deserves joy beyond her wildest dreams. She deserves this love
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