Geezus

OMG. How am I going to survive the quiz on Thursday? I am not studying, and I feel miserable sick. This weather is making me batty, and my PMS is making me sentimental and sad. I need to suck it up and study. Must remember that there are people out there who I love and love me. Must think about Tita Bits and Sonia, the two women who took care of me as a baby. Must think about Lolo and Lola. It's gotten to that. I have to think of people who loved me at my most vulnerable state, and meditate on being cared for, in a womb-like manner. Must think about Manang Fe, the wonderful Tita/Lola who always tells me, with fierce-ness in both voice and eyes, "We LOVE YOU!" Must think about the precious gifts of friendship given to me by many people. Must think about Lola Puring, Charlotte Zelka, and Carmen Covington. Women who have passed away, whom I miss and love, women who have touched my heart. Must use love as a shield to help my body/mind heal so I can focus on my goals, my dreams, and this damn quiz.

Noodle Knees

It is 12:55am, and I have a fever that is scrambling my proteins. My friend thinks I need to cut back my flirting. He is both right and wrong. He believes in caution and subtlety--which I appreciate, but cannot abide by. I live in that awful margin of being both Asian and American, meaning that I am both garishly obvious, loud, and unabashed, and painfully subtle and repressed. Always at points when the other side is more appropriate. We are supposed to do karaoke/hotpot this weekend, and he is (rightfully!) scared that I will hit on his very taken friend. I told him I would behave and he (rightfully) doesn't believe me. I think all I have to do is see my sis' disapproving look/look of disgust, and I will cut back on my flirting. It's just that my attractions have gotten all out of whack. It is like high school all over again. In my head I am attracted to the most generic, safe, and conventionally attractive guys. Very beautiful, handsome, upstanding citizens. But reality shows an attraction to the weirdest creatures on earth. A strange gaggle of men and women. It must be some Darwinian thing. I consider myself attractive in a relatively conventional way. Not hideous or super model, but decent. So, of course, I would be attracted to some unconventional people, right? It's all about desiring your opposite, or someone who would vary up the gene pool. Make things lively. But I am a feminist, and I HATED, absolutely loathed flirty single women when I had a bf. So I need to reign in my horrible tendency to flirt with men knowing they are unable to flirt back (safe for me, since I don't have to deal with the consequences of actually dealing with a person who flirts back. YES. I'm a COWARD). This also explains my attraction to my crush. I feel he cannot flirt back, because he is of a different culture. Aside from his bedroom eyes. Which I appreciate very much. I assume he is caged in by his culture, and will never go after me, despite my red, enflamed, baboon ass, which I wag in his face every chance I get. But maybe it's not true. It could be he knows exactly what I'm doing, and he doesn't desire me back at all. At all. Maybe I am a goofy joke.

I have an insane fantasy of going to Venus for breakfast at 8 am, and giving my crush my phone number. I want her very much. She is absurdly hot. I found my crush on FB, and his picture is ultimate dork. What a dork! Gooftastic. I am now even more repelled. Yet it makes him even more accessible. He continues to be my ridiculous fascination. It has really become too long at this point. I need to make myself go out and date.

I've been feeling upside down for the past three evenings. An overall sense of physical unease, a mental jumbled-ness. Emotionally discombobulated. I wish I can just say it has something to do with being physically sick, or my PMS, but it is also due to a few actions/mistakes (specifically, two mistakes) I have recently made in the past week. Sometimes I find myself unable to keep my hand from touching the flame. I have to make the same mistakes a million times, get burned a million times, stare in shock at my bad choices a million times. And still I never learn. What do they call that? Being insane? Life is such a nightmare in the sense that I never know if an investment is really worth it, if people are worth the effort. I find my heart gives out at seemingly arbitrary moments, and I reach out to a strange array of people. It is always a gamble. It turns out to be 50/50. But without risk I would be an aloof, closed-off person. That is how I justify my tendency to reach out to the coldest, most obviously unfriendly sorts. I am a masochist, true and true. *sigh* I can't help it. I LOVE, love, love, love, l-o-v-e Melvin and Shoole. I love them. Oh God, please forgive me for loving the wrong people. Please forgive me for being soft and weak for people who are unable to love back. I wish I was stronger and more aloof. I wish I knew how to know which people not to love, and which people were able to love me back.

Must Remember

Before I forget...I must remember

successful if nerve-wracking gram stain test / streak plate

30/25 (extra credit!) for math serial dilution quiz

Calling Melvin, calling Shoole--her answering...a very lovely 45 minutes with them. Her telling me she had hoped I would call. The great feeling I got from her.

The productive and friendly study meeting for drug dosages.

Offering Gita a ride home
being invited in for tea
having chai tea made for me from scratch! seeing her toss in a handful of spices and a piece of cinnamon stick into brewing milk
telling her my big secret
her jaw dropping in shock
her saying he was so sexy
her showing me pictures of Nepal
having Nepalese food for dinner
the pork dish is AMAZING
realizing that Nepalese food is AMAZING and I might like it better than Indian food
her explaining to me all of his signals

realizing that this crush is officially reciprocated

not quite able to handle it

surprised and high of the fact that these two guys like me

feeling burdened by the responsibility of their feelings

giddy and stupid over tomorrow

I have been waking up at 4am for the past week. Am starting to feel brain dead and high.

Have been bonding with a woman from Central Africa, a woman from Nigeria, a woman from Nepal, a woman from Mexico. Relishing and enjoying these moments.

Definitely NOT watching my diet, exercising, or sleeping very much...and yet not feeling guilty one bit. Things aren't fitting right, but my heart is consumed with this goal. The lovely numb feeing of a goal. The ability to shut out pain. I am loving this bandaid, if this is all it is. I am loving this tunnel vision very much.

Adore Dr. Perez and Dr. Levine SO MUCH.

Trying really hard to absorb as much of this happiness as much as I can.

Telling mom about my visiting Gita, and her enjoyment from the story

High off "Battlestar Galactica," the hottie Apollo, and thinking about my crush

Thinking about how these two guys are confused as hell on who I like. Realizing I had somehow gotten their attention. Wanting to laugh at the preposterous idea of getting in between two men. Ridiculous. Absurd.

Enjoying my immunity from needing people right now. Enjoying my lack of needyness. Am grateful for this respite. This peace has been hard earned. It comes with a growing inability to trust or hope in more from people, but at least it spares me further pain.

Love Dr. Levine's almostsexy bow and hand flourish when she suddenly opened the door for me and friend. 64 year-old-women are still hot! Especially scientists! Who climb trees and have piercing eyes! I adore her.