Punjab

I need to write this down before I forget how this feels. Today was such an odd surprise. I woke up begrudgingly. I wanted to sleep in. But I knew I had promised to join Tj at Guruduwara. I had to force myself into some clothes and out the door before I lagged any further than was. Gas, and then frantically on the freeway. I remember a part of me panicking as I sped into 80 E, feeling the morning hit me like an ice bath. I felt barely conscious to be out on the road, driving somewhere I had never been before. Then I was at a toll area, and I realized I brought no cash. Thankfully I brought my laundry quarters, and had enough for the toll.
I arrived at her home, was allowed in, met neighbor and neighbor's breathtakingly beautiful daughter (she's gonna be a heartbreaker fo sho), and then we were all packed into Tj's nice and sporty car, heading for Fairfield. I've only heard of Fairfield, and I always thought it sounded like a faraway place. Immediately all the women in the car started speaking in Punjabi, and it hit me that I was going to something foreign to me, and I would be an outsider. I panicked a little, but kept it in, telling myself to be open to this experience. I had no idea that they were saying, but there was a lot of laughter. Tj sometimes turned and translated, smiling and laughing. Indian women always have the most wicked and fun sense of humor. There is opportunity for laughter in everything. When we got there Tj told me that there would be cops, as security, because the place would be packed.
Long story short (too late!), I ate sooooooo much food. And saw so many gorgeous Sikh men. And got a mad sunburn. And spent the entire time reassuring myself that I wasn't the weirdest thing there. That my East Asian features and non-Indian-ness and non-Sikh-ness was no big deal, and that ppl didn't wish me gone or something. I told myself I was welcome, and it was okay. That fish-out-of-water-feeling one gets from being the outsider, the foreigner. People were cool. No one made me feel bad or anything. All the women were stunning in their Salwaar Kameez and chunni...and spectacular jewelry. I felt like an imposter with my usual layer of makeup. There is no competition, with their gorgeous clothing, jewelry, and demure, traditional demeanor. I did my best not to think about how garish I seemed with my drag queen makeup. There were many women who did wear makeup. Anyway. All the women were stunning. What surprised me was the number of tall, hot Indian men. Wow. Surprise, surprise. I thought my crush was a single thing. One of those rare things that happen when you have been abstinent for waay too long. I thought that he was the exception to the rule, as far as attractions go. Boy am I surprised. Checking out this one particular guy...tall, beautifully buff back (I can tell through his top), wearing this lovely light lavender shirt that revealed a stunning body underneath, dark jeans....beautiful face. There were many hot guys. Surprise, surprise. Hot guy in lavender did check me out. I think it was cuz I was so blatantly checking him out. But the men and women stayed apart from each other. The prayer area was gender segregated. That was fascinating. Anyway, the men mostly did not take note of me. How can they, when it would be 1. blasphemous and 2. Indian women are HOT. It makes no sense.
I ate so much. It was crazy. And I bonded a lot with TJ. That was nice. I sorta tossed studying/working on Micro out the window. Naughty me. And I talked at length with her about my crush(es). Everything about that (the crush-thing) is starting to feel more and more absurd. Like a David Lynch film. I have to find a way to stop. Just turn it off. But I am afraid because it's like going from a David Lynch film to a stupid Michael Bay film. Having a crush is the most invigorating non-boring part of my life right now. It's half crazy stupidity and half exhilirating joy.

Dammit

I keep thinking about Josiah, and his beautiful eyes. It was quite enjoyable/odd to be the only girl in a gaggle of gay men. Five men, to be exact. And sitting across from one who knew I had a crush on him, and whose eyes are mesmerizing and flirtatious.

There is a distinct difference between using one's brain and one's emotional truth, but the distinctions become hazy when insecurities, life circumstances (which can easily convince of me of some "truth" when it is more about coincidence), desires, and projected hopes and dreams are factored in. Sis keeps telling me to get a grip on my feelings, and apparently I let it loose, always parroting the same terrifying dialogue about the same stuff. I keep justifying it to myself/others, but apparently it's psychopathic, mental. I don't have a therapist right now, or else I would be asking her what she thought I should do. I had hoped I did not have a problem. I would rather think that any woman who had gone through what I had would feel the same way, act the same way, etc. It is less horrible than considering that I have let go of my feelings, emotionally sloppy mess, a train wreck of a person, out of control.

Sis' exbf has apparently been miserable since they have stopped talking. I am jealous beyond belief. I wish it did not plague me, but it hurts me so much that my ex has not contacted me, had expected me to maintain contact with him, and, when I stopped that bullshit, has done nothing. And has now a girlfriend. It makes me batshit crazy. I feel like I am one step away from tearing my hair out, from screaming until my throat is destroyed, from shrieking bloody murder. How can someone just write you out of your life after you gave them everything?

I find myself infatuated with men who are absolutely inappropriate because that way I can never have them, and that way it would never go as far as it did with Ex, and while what I am doing is masochistic bullshit, it won't hurt nearly as much as if I did that same song and dance of the past.

I hate this goddamn rain, I hate that my parents are coming up here when I wanted my fucking spring break, and I hate my Ex. And I hate my feelings and my infatuations. Fuck that shit.

Shadows grow so long before my eyes

And they're moving
across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away
from the city
Well, don't
hesitate
cause your love
won't wait..............

It is so lovely to end this week with a decadent, rich meal with sis and Vanessa. It was just really great. Vanessa looked radiant and beautiful. I love men and that one-of-a-kind-energy you only get from penis, but I love love love women so much. Happy about my relationships with women these days. I have friends and have become friends with jewels. When I think of these women, and how lucky I am to have them as friends, I feel richer than anything. I am grateful.

I came to a realization during the meal: that I find Dr. Levine ridiculously attractive. I hope I am as maddeningly sexy at 64. She is so beautiful. Not sexy in a jerk-off-when-you-are-alone-and-no-one-is-watching-kinda way. Not at all. She's just wonderful. Her aura, her fierce intelligence, her brain. And I think she is lovely to look at. I can look at her all day. She is a cat, she looks like she climbs trees, she is radiant. There must be a God that women can be so beautiful outside of the narrow definition of beauty offered by the media. Women like Dr. Levine and Dr. Barnes exist, and I find them so sexy and beautiful older women. None of them look like they diet or are even connected to conventional traditional ideas of anything at all, be it gender, sex, human species, mammal, gram positive organisms, eukaryote, etc. They are outside of everything. They are beyond it. They are gods. They are just really warm, kind, fiercely intelligent, magical women. I love them so much.

I continue to be in awe of my growing friendships with Yanira and Wivine. I am trying to take it in the way I did when I first realized the friendships forming with the lovely ladies in Physio. They are unexpected gifts. Whether they be a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I am so blessed to be allowed to have been allowed to share some of their time on this planet.

SPRING BREAK! I can now rest (I hope!). I haven't slept decently in ages. I am excited about sleep. Now that I finally have my period, I am back to daydreaming about my crush. I am enjoying torturing myself with thoughts and fantasies about him. Bliss. I hope I can reign it in somehow. Today was so satisfying.