Dammit

I keep thinking about Josiah, and his beautiful eyes. It was quite enjoyable/odd to be the only girl in a gaggle of gay men. Five men, to be exact. And sitting across from one who knew I had a crush on him, and whose eyes are mesmerizing and flirtatious.

There is a distinct difference between using one's brain and one's emotional truth, but the distinctions become hazy when insecurities, life circumstances (which can easily convince of me of some "truth" when it is more about coincidence), desires, and projected hopes and dreams are factored in. Sis keeps telling me to get a grip on my feelings, and apparently I let it loose, always parroting the same terrifying dialogue about the same stuff. I keep justifying it to myself/others, but apparently it's psychopathic, mental. I don't have a therapist right now, or else I would be asking her what she thought I should do. I had hoped I did not have a problem. I would rather think that any woman who had gone through what I had would feel the same way, act the same way, etc. It is less horrible than considering that I have let go of my feelings, emotionally sloppy mess, a train wreck of a person, out of control.

Sis' exbf has apparently been miserable since they have stopped talking. I am jealous beyond belief. I wish it did not plague me, but it hurts me so much that my ex has not contacted me, had expected me to maintain contact with him, and, when I stopped that bullshit, has done nothing. And has now a girlfriend. It makes me batshit crazy. I feel like I am one step away from tearing my hair out, from screaming until my throat is destroyed, from shrieking bloody murder. How can someone just write you out of your life after you gave them everything?

I find myself infatuated with men who are absolutely inappropriate because that way I can never have them, and that way it would never go as far as it did with Ex, and while what I am doing is masochistic bullshit, it won't hurt nearly as much as if I did that same song and dance of the past.

I hate this goddamn rain, I hate that my parents are coming up here when I wanted my fucking spring break, and I hate my Ex. And I hate my feelings and my infatuations. Fuck that shit.