Noodle Knees

It is 12:55am, and I have a fever that is scrambling my proteins. My friend thinks I need to cut back my flirting. He is both right and wrong. He believes in caution and subtlety--which I appreciate, but cannot abide by. I live in that awful margin of being both Asian and American, meaning that I am both garishly obvious, loud, and unabashed, and painfully subtle and repressed. Always at points when the other side is more appropriate. We are supposed to do karaoke/hotpot this weekend, and he is (rightfully!) scared that I will hit on his very taken friend. I told him I would behave and he (rightfully) doesn't believe me. I think all I have to do is see my sis' disapproving look/look of disgust, and I will cut back on my flirting. It's just that my attractions have gotten all out of whack. It is like high school all over again. In my head I am attracted to the most generic, safe, and conventionally attractive guys. Very beautiful, handsome, upstanding citizens. But reality shows an attraction to the weirdest creatures on earth. A strange gaggle of men and women. It must be some Darwinian thing. I consider myself attractive in a relatively conventional way. Not hideous or super model, but decent. So, of course, I would be attracted to some unconventional people, right? It's all about desiring your opposite, or someone who would vary up the gene pool. Make things lively. But I am a feminist, and I HATED, absolutely loathed flirty single women when I had a bf. So I need to reign in my horrible tendency to flirt with men knowing they are unable to flirt back (safe for me, since I don't have to deal with the consequences of actually dealing with a person who flirts back. YES. I'm a COWARD). This also explains my attraction to my crush. I feel he cannot flirt back, because he is of a different culture. Aside from his bedroom eyes. Which I appreciate very much. I assume he is caged in by his culture, and will never go after me, despite my red, enflamed, baboon ass, which I wag in his face every chance I get. But maybe it's not true. It could be he knows exactly what I'm doing, and he doesn't desire me back at all. At all. Maybe I am a goofy joke.

I have an insane fantasy of going to Venus for breakfast at 8 am, and giving my crush my phone number. I want her very much. She is absurdly hot. I found my crush on FB, and his picture is ultimate dork. What a dork! Gooftastic. I am now even more repelled. Yet it makes him even more accessible. He continues to be my ridiculous fascination. It has really become too long at this point. I need to make myself go out and date.

I've been feeling upside down for the past three evenings. An overall sense of physical unease, a mental jumbled-ness. Emotionally discombobulated. I wish I can just say it has something to do with being physically sick, or my PMS, but it is also due to a few actions/mistakes (specifically, two mistakes) I have recently made in the past week. Sometimes I find myself unable to keep my hand from touching the flame. I have to make the same mistakes a million times, get burned a million times, stare in shock at my bad choices a million times. And still I never learn. What do they call that? Being insane? Life is such a nightmare in the sense that I never know if an investment is really worth it, if people are worth the effort. I find my heart gives out at seemingly arbitrary moments, and I reach out to a strange array of people. It is always a gamble. It turns out to be 50/50. But without risk I would be an aloof, closed-off person. That is how I justify my tendency to reach out to the coldest, most obviously unfriendly sorts. I am a masochist, true and true. *sigh* I can't help it. I LOVE, love, love, love, l-o-v-e Melvin and Shoole. I love them. Oh God, please forgive me for loving the wrong people. Please forgive me for being soft and weak for people who are unable to love back. I wish I was stronger and more aloof. I wish I knew how to know which people not to love, and which people were able to love me back.