You know...

Yesterday was a very, very hard day. It is PMS week, and everything felt agonizing yesterday. Caroline was a total life-saver.

I've been reading horrifying articles that reflect the horror in my heart right now. I have to remind myself that it's just my hormones....that the negative feelings, the feelings that the world hates me, all that lovely PMS shit--that it will be gone. I just have to ride it out. When it's like this, I can't see the forest for the trees, as my mom would put it. I just see madness and sadness and betrayal. The charming quirks of people, the flaws that make them human, become intolerable. Little snipes become catastrophic. I see treachery everywhere. But sis was a ray of sunshine. I am surprised that I didn't manage to bring her down with me. It is relief to know she is my twin. That there is a part of me that can be sunshine as well.

I have fantasies of having offspring...but I think (matching my PMS mood) that maybe I shouldn't.

Reasons not to reproduce:
1. autism
2. emotional/some physical/verbal abuse is almost always reproduced by the parent. Don't want to do that to anyone if I can help it!
3. lack of role models
4. selfish reasons in wanting a child
5. scared that I can't protect my offspring from certain perpetrators of crap (altho said person will likely have passed away...and, just like I said in #2, I might replace perpetrator of crap)
6. not financially stable yet (a.k.a. filthy rich. Cuz a happy child is only possible if you're stinkin' rich. Cuz money buys happiness. Yeah. That's been proven by looking at Paris Hilton, all the Kardashians, those rich kids in that Rich documentary...all mom's patients in psych...and all the lovely well-adjusted rich kids I've known through the years)

I've spoken at length with Karla, analyzing my motives for wanting a child, and she is very forgiving of me. She thinks I would be great. Her faith in me is warm and wonderful. Too bad I don't feel the same. Maybe when I am not PMSing?