That's pain leaving the body

It is 12:07 am, and I will be dumped today. Or. Maybe. I . Will. Dump. Him. First. Unsure how it will work out. I would rather not. I have been a weepy, depressed mess over this guy. And all signs keep pointing downhill. I have never dated a lying cretin before. I have never liked someone who was so slick and evil before. I have never been so stupid in my life. A significant, highly idiotic, foolish part of me wishes it were all untrue. That this is all smoke and mirrors. Maybe there's been some large misunderstanding. Once all facts have come out, it turned out he loves me after all. That he's not a fucking liar. But no matter how hard I cling on to that fantasy, deep inside I know the truth. I wish so hard there was another way. I want no more pain. I want a release button, some sort of escape route from today. I want a fast forward button to a time when my life makes sense, when pain is an alien concept. All I can do is read my book on trauma, and contemplate my upcoming trauma. I am starting to imagine myself as an impala being attacked by a cheetah. Being ripped piece by excruciating piece. Except right before the moment of impact (or during), I tense, I immobilize, and I feel nothing. I leave my body, and hence, I leave my pain. I wonder if there was a way i can do that. Leave my body, leave my pain. And come back to it when things don't hurt anymore.