Camp Mendocino

It's 5:56 am, and I woke up with the painful thought of him and his ex. Hanging out. I am waking up every morning now, and he is always the first thought in my mind. It hurts. A lot. I told my therapist that this constant pain is me telling myself that he's going to dump me. So when it happens, I won't be surprised. She then responded, "How has this [strategy] served you?" She was trying to get me to realize that it hasn't. That constant pain is not as great a protective mechanism as my psyche is leading me to believe. After I told her how I called my ex.....she said, "That's okay that you called him. It's okay." She read my mind, my want from her. I wanted her to say that. I wanted someone to forgive me. I have been doing things that harm me. I have felt I had no choice. They were sad, painful compulsions, like an addict. My inability to do anything to protect myself, my compulsion to turn the other cheek has gotten out of hand, and my desperation to be forgiven and loved is an endless well of sadness. But she has lent me a book that she says will help me find coping strategies. I need ways to cope with this horrific part of my life. All I can do is find ways to cope, pray a lot (despite my bitterness and misgivings about religion), and keep busy. I beg God for a solution everyday. The most obvious one is too horrible--I should dump him. I should end it. I am afraid I will never meet someone like him. I hated my dry spell. HATED IT. It was lovely actually. For my body and mind to heal. I was able to actually think about my goals and dreams. But my body and heart would much rather lean on someone, have someone validate me, in some superficial means. It is very, very hard to do it on my own. I had been half-assedly doing that for the past bunch of years. It is hard to convince myself, I am not a large fan of myself in general. At least not right now. Any little thing makes me want to disappear.

I need to dissect why I feel this need to cling on to someone that makes me feel deeply unloved. I think it must be his money *BARF*. No, too cheap. I may worry that his wealth makes me crazy, but I'm not that shallow. It must be what he represents to me. Stability and a bit of glamour. Two things I desire desperately right now. But how has he, the way he is, served me? Not much. Expensive dinners and fleeting moments of romance are cheap cover-ups for emotional agony, back-breaking insecurity, and constant sadness.