Surrender

What a traumatic experience today has been. I was honest with A. I told him how powerless I feel, how afraid I am. How I can't read him, how I am unable to tell that he loves me. It was a bloodbath. I cried. I was a wreck. It was horrible. He was sorta cold, kinda mad, it was a weird experience. He tried to comfort me. Just not in the way that was ideal to myself.

Facts:
1. He told me I was the most interesting woman he has met since his exwife
2. He told me he hasn't felt this strongly for a woman (as he does for me) since his exwife
3. I'm the first woman his family has met since his exwife
4. He told me he's never spent as much consecutive time with a woman/had a woman stay at his place as long as I have (I was with him for three days)
5. He told me he loves me very much.
6. He seems to equate the sex thing with love. When I told him sex is just sex for guys he said "I'm an old guy. I'm not as ruled with my hormones as when I was younger."

Things to Consider:
1. He told me he doesn't say "I love you" a whole bunch because he doesn't say those words casually
2. He told me the longest he's dated a woman was three months. And we're around...two months. He said let's see how I'll feel about him in a month.

Jonathan said it sounds like he's scared. And that anyone who has dated as much as he has means he's been hurt a lot.

Emotionally I can't imagine hurting him at all. If I was to end things with him, I imagine he would shrug it off.

Intellectually I have to put the pieces together and realize he's human too. He bleeds too. He is afraid too. In fact, it seems his walls have been high for a while. Everything with me is pretty intense.

I asked him to call me after he dropped me off. I didn't expect him to...I thought he would have forgotten since his memory has been shit. But he called me. He had gotten home an hour ago and had forgotten, but remembered, and wanted to call me before heading to bed.

So. That's effort. I asked him if all my comments scared him, and he told me he likes how honest I am with him.

I have never been good at this sort of thing.

I hate my gut feelings. My gut says I am being screwed over. My gut says he doesn't love me the way I deserve. My gut also says I am unloveable, and inherently repulsive to men if they got to know me. My gut tells me I can't do anything because I'm a big fucking failure. So. Yup. Either way God. Please throw me a lifeline here. Please help me. God, can you get me out of this with as little humiliation as possible, please? God, can you please help me take back my dignity in a big way? God, please help me.