And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong

A has asked me to be a dirty school girl for Halloween. I agreed to it with all my fingers and toes crossed as if I could somehow undo his request, as if I wasn't really agreeing to it. Trying to make myself sexy....in such a brazen and obvious manner is the weirdest thing. I have done the sexy in other forms, but not in that tacky Halloween way. And when I say tacky, I am including all my sour grapes-ness in the fact that I look at those girls with admiration and jealousy. I never see myself like them. I never think I could be sexy like that without that horrible dash of desperation, those extra cups of insecurity peppered all over my outfit. I fear of exposing my vulva. It's just one extreme to another for me. I have been trying to do sexy in that safe, covered up, "classy" way while still wanting to be sexy, still wanting to inspire attraction and desire. So doing the tacky Halloween dirty school girl thing is just so refreshing and terrifying for me. Why the fuck not? I am 28, and I would never have dared do this at 18. If not now, when? My body is my friend right now. In fact, I think I look really hot, considering I haven't been dieting or exercising at all. As a woman, being brazenly sexual is such a conscious choice for me. An out of body experience. I hope I pull it off without exposing my vulva (I have such a Britney Spears nightmare) and embarrassing myself. I want to pull of the dirty school girl look and retain my dignity as well. Hah. Hilarious. It's gonna take some guts, attitude, and planning. Sis said she would help me. I am so grateful for her.