Rohypnol

I didn't think I could feel the kind of pain I had years ago from that breakup. I didn't think I would ever heal from that or ever feel that same excruciating pain on a daily basis again. I thought I had managed to heal, I had managed to start to put the pieces together. I was starting to get there, there was other things to hope for, other dreams, other thoughts in my head. I had good, healthy people in my life. I had people who accepted me, warts and all. I thought I got my shit together.

I feel as if I am in a daily hell. I don't know how to get it out. I know how to make it worse. I finally spoke to a friend with the clearest head, and she had a lot of crazy wise things to say. She blows my mind by how wonderful she is. I have to get my brain back. I have to get my heart back. I need myself back. I wonder if this guy is poison. I wonder if I have been poisoned. I think I would actually feel better if I was stabbed a million times than to experience this. At least the pain would be out and not in. At least I would know that the pain would soon blacken out to unconsciousness instead of being in this hellish purgatory.

I want my voice back. I want my agency. I want my heart back. I want my soul back. I want my dignity. I want my fight back. I am tired of being afraid. Of being scared. What the fuck?! This is insane.